Now that's some Hot Stuff! Thnx 9:)
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Friday, 4 December 2009
I read somwhere...
I read somewhere that 23 is too old to be jobless and living
with your parents.
Wait, that was a note I found on the wall in my room.
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Thursday, 26 November 2009
They were all just passing by
One fine noon, when I sit under the tree,
In my college, named W.T.F I E
Keeping out a very keen eye,
I watch, all these people pass by.
"I have the best make-up kit" girls,
hairdos with a 100 million curls,
with a record for the most insult hurls,
They were all just passing by.
I watch the Kamas and the Thamas,
and rest of the college maamas,
with their usual list of dramas,
They were all just passing by.
Famous drinkers, smokers, ones without who-who dillies,
the drooling starers, the wankers, the hilly-billies,
easy little targets for all the college bullies,
They were all just passing by.
The dopers and the junkies,
with their early morning funkies,
Just another troop of monkeys,
They were all just passing by.
One more honest pervert goes past,
with shameless lines that leave us aghast,
people with indecency unsurpassed,
They were all just passing by.
The teachers, and the "Teach-Her"s,
the flirty faculty creatures,
party poopers cum canteen squatters,
They were all just passing by.
The desperado and the "seductress",
Doubles for monsters from Lock Ness,
everyone who is trying to impress,
They were all just passing by.
The ones who think racing is cool,
"I am a racist" says one fool,
and every other kind of tool,
They were all just passing by.
The nerds with their glasses tight,
The exam dates giving them a fright,
mugging up with all their might,
They were all just passing by.
The nerdy girl with the broken back,
the useless kid who wants to hack,
a decent brain is all they lack,
Yet they were passing by.
The noisy girl+boy gangs,
playing attention seeking pranks,
a funny mix of losers and skanks,
They were all just passing by.
And now a stanza dedicated to some mongs,
people who will take offense to this song,
diplomatic fags dunno where they belong,
They were all just passing by.
Best are the people on their own,
licking up an ice cream cone,
talking on their mobile phones,
They were all just passing by.
There is a B.E College for everyone and probably one in every kind, in WTF Institute of Engineering.
In my college, named W.T.F I E
Keeping out a very keen eye,
I watch, all these people pass by.
"I have the best make-up kit" girls,
hairdos with a 100 million curls,
with a record for the most insult hurls,
They were all just passing by.
I watch the Kamas and the Thamas,
and rest of the college maamas,
with their usual list of dramas,
They were all just passing by.
Famous drinkers, smokers, ones without who-who dillies,
the drooling starers, the wankers, the hilly-billies,
easy little targets for all the college bullies,
They were all just passing by.
The dopers and the junkies,
with their early morning funkies,
Just another troop of monkeys,
They were all just passing by.
One more honest pervert goes past,
with shameless lines that leave us aghast,
people with indecency unsurpassed,
They were all just passing by.
The teachers, and the "Teach-Her"s,
the flirty faculty creatures,
party poopers cum canteen squatters,
They were all just passing by.
The desperado and the "seductress",
Doubles for monsters from Lock Ness,
everyone who is trying to impress,
They were all just passing by.
The ones who think racing is cool,
"I am a racist" says one fool,
and every other kind of tool,
They were all just passing by.
The nerds with their glasses tight,
The exam dates giving them a fright,
mugging up with all their might,
They were all just passing by.
The nerdy girl with the broken back,
the useless kid who wants to hack,
a decent brain is all they lack,
Yet they were passing by.
The noisy girl+boy gangs,
playing attention seeking pranks,
a funny mix of losers and skanks,
They were all just passing by.
And now a stanza dedicated to some mongs,
people who will take offense to this song,
diplomatic fags dunno where they belong,
They were all just passing by.
Best are the people on their own,
licking up an ice cream cone,
talking on their mobile phones,
They were all just passing by.
There is a B.E College for everyone and probably one in every kind, in WTF Institute of Engineering.
This article falls under
poem
Monday, 2 November 2009
My weird neighbourhood - Top 10 characters
Since I am leaving this neighbourhood, I am feeling a bit nostalgic already. And I have decided to mention a few sweet lines about the weird characters in the neighbourhood. Maybe I will write one about my new neighbourhood soon. And since only the first character in my story reads my page, you feel free to leave comment ;)
First is DPT Shake-her!
I just picked her first because of the amusing nomenclature. DPT is known to have the only forehead visible from space.It amounts to 1/4th the total surface area of earth. It is responsible for reflecting most of the infrared radiation from the sun back to outer space, unless she is wearing a helmet. She tried to run me over with her car a few times, failed miserably.
Second is Mrs.V
She is what you call a career petty thief. Yes. Thief. A cheap one at that.
She is passionate about stealing
*left over cakes of detergent soaps.
*torn chappals that are left outside
*Even morsels of food meant for the neighbours children...
with the title track of Dhoom 2 playing in her head during every one of her skilful con jobs.
Occasionally she also makes away with some unattended 3000 in cash and gold jewellery on her lucky days.
However, all the items in this list are as real as it gets. No exaggeration here. If anyone thought stealing was cool, they must really meet Mrs.V
Initially I thought she just had some mental disorder, but later realised she was just passionate about her skills at flicking left-over cakes of soap and torn chappals etc,.
Oh, btw she is overweight. She accounts for 1/4th the total volume of earth and is also the established newspaper of the street. She has all the details about every person on the street. If some woman regularly beats up her husband, Mrs.V will know how many blows he has taken.
I had decided to award her the character of the year until I discovered ANC Yamma, her tenant.
Yo mamma..ANC Yamma!
She used to live next door until Mrs.V stole a neat 3000 from her purse one fine day, a few years ago. They evacuated in a month.
ANC Yamma was under the impression that her purpose on earth was to speak English, Albeit in the most haphazard way, and go back to where she came from. Land of the Butler English probably.
She called herself "Working ladies-u" and thought it was more important to mention in an introduction than her name itself.
"Hi, I see you just moved in here, I am working ladeesu, and you are?"
Infact, the 'working ladies' part always appeared in a conversation, however irrelevant it may be.
For example:
Aunty no 1 (Govinda for short) says: "The power cuts are so frustrating these days isnt it?"
Aunty no 2 says: "Yeah, when do you think we will get regular power ANC?"
ANC: Hmmm? No idea Im working ladeesu no!
Govinda: My friend said the it was given in the Deccan that the power issue will be resolved in a week.
Aunty no 2: Oh is it? Who gets Deccan here..you get Deccan don't you ANC?
ANC: Uhh? Im working ladeesu no? Im hardly familiar with these housewife concepts!
Well, I guess she thought she was the next Iron lady of India or something of the sort.
Once two people of our neighbourhood were busy talking in soft tones when she nudged in between and asked with full confidence
"Talking with personal-a?"
Other hit dialogues include
"Going with temple" (To say I'm going to the temple)
"Coming to tomorrow" (To say, I'll see you again tomorrow)
Once two people of our neighbourhood were busy talking in soft tones when she nudged in between and asked with full confidence
"Talking with personal-a?"
Other hit dialogues include
"Going with temple" (To say I'm going to the temple)
"Coming to tomorrow" (To say, I'll see you again tomorrow)
Arradaa
She is the deserving winner of "The Nanny of the year" award for 10th main 1st cross, door number..
Anyway, whenever she whispered, she woke us all up and when she shouted she brought a few trees down. She recently got married. She had a great pair of twins, (who were born to ANC Yamma) and she took good care of them.
The Twins
This will be short. One twin was almost blind while the other was almost deaf. Oh the kids these days!
She is the deserving winner of "The Nanny of the year" award for 10th main 1st cross, door number..
Anyway, whenever she whispered, she woke us all up and when she shouted she brought a few trees down. She recently got married. She had a great pair of twins, (who were born to ANC Yamma) and she took good care of them.
The Twins
This will be short. One twin was almost blind while the other was almost deaf. Oh the kids these days!
Mr.V & Chota V
Mr.V:
Mr.V:
I call him pussy cat. For no particular reason. We also called him Pa Pa Pandu. But we should really call him the goat cause he married Mrs.V.
When the desperate housewives of our street set out to claim the record for "Most blows delivered to hubby", Mr.V really is at the receiving end.
Chota V:
This 2 year old kid resembles both his parents. Looks like his mum when he is flicking something and looks like his dad when he is being whooped by the girl kids of the street. Otherwise he is quite cute and cuddly.
The Mini Skirt
She claims that she got the nickname because she used to wear a lot of mini skirts. (Eww thank you for that picture I said.)
Her special super power was her ability to cry...during anything.
She cried when she was sad,
she cried when she was mad.
Where she came from,
Crying was the biggest fad.
If she had nothing to do, she would like to cry and fill up the boring gap. She was also a self confessed 'over sensitive' being. The first and only person I met who confessed to being sensitive.
She was also alien to the normal human world and normal human communication. Once when speaking to a friend, she dropped in and I asked both of them what plans they had for the next day. This happened to be on Feb 13th. My luck. In true Mafia Wars style, she asked her boyfriend to ATTACK ME for "asking her out" for Valentines day. The poor bloke..sent another poor bloke to "sort out the issue" with me. And later he ended calling me and apologised for nothing.
I wonder why I was confused for 3 days!
Oh btw, when the whole issue was resolved - she celebrated by crying.
The Tailor house
This is by far the weirdest family I have seen - ever. They claim to be animal lovers, and by what I have heard, their favourite animals are Cockroaches. Yes!!!!! Cockroaches. Funny, because the last time I checked, cockroaches were insects.
The story goes that Mrs.V had been inside their kitchen one (un)fine day. When the lady of the house opened a box of sugar to make tea/coffee for the guests, about 4-5 cockroaches ran out (probably shouting "I'm free I'm free"). And when she was done taking few teaspoons of sugar, our Tailor the Jailor 'captured' all the roaches and put them back in the box. Saying something like "Get back in there you naughty. Where do you think you are going?".
I seriously don't see how anyone can like roaches. The very sight of those wretched creatures make my stomach churn and I get a puking sensation. That's one living thing that the world can do without.
Btw, their dog sucks!
--
And finally, after mentioning the Top 10 weirdos of the street, I must end this write up by mentioning the weirdest and the most deserving character ever to have walked this street. It's called saving the best for the last. The person is none other than me. The whole neighbourhood was confused over what kind of a guy I was.
Half the people will swear I am the angel of the area, while the other half has put a bounty on my head. I say, its just a simple reflection of how they have treated me. The easiest way to locate our house in the street was to mention my name and "mentally disturbed" in the same sentence.
Sucks to leave this house and the people around, but all good things come to an end.
Astala Vista..baby!
When the desperate housewives of our street set out to claim the record for "Most blows delivered to hubby", Mr.V really is at the receiving end.
Chota V:
This 2 year old kid resembles both his parents. Looks like his mum when he is flicking something and looks like his dad when he is being whooped by the girl kids of the street. Otherwise he is quite cute and cuddly.
The Mini Skirt
She claims that she got the nickname because she used to wear a lot of mini skirts. (Eww thank you for that picture I said.)
Her special super power was her ability to cry...during anything.
She cried when she was sad,
she cried when she was mad.
Where she came from,
Crying was the biggest fad.
If she had nothing to do, she would like to cry and fill up the boring gap. She was also a self confessed 'over sensitive' being. The first and only person I met who confessed to being sensitive.
She was also alien to the normal human world and normal human communication. Once when speaking to a friend, she dropped in and I asked both of them what plans they had for the next day. This happened to be on Feb 13th. My luck. In true Mafia Wars style, she asked her boyfriend to ATTACK ME for "asking her out" for Valentines day. The poor bloke..sent another poor bloke to "sort out the issue" with me. And later he ended calling me and apologised for nothing.
I wonder why I was confused for 3 days!
Oh btw, when the whole issue was resolved - she celebrated by crying.
The Tailor house
This is by far the weirdest family I have seen - ever. They claim to be animal lovers, and by what I have heard, their favourite animals are Cockroaches. Yes!!!!! Cockroaches. Funny, because the last time I checked, cockroaches were insects.
The story goes that Mrs.V had been inside their kitchen one (un)fine day. When the lady of the house opened a box of sugar to make tea/coffee for the guests, about 4-5 cockroaches ran out (probably shouting "I'm free I'm free"). And when she was done taking few teaspoons of sugar, our Tailor the Jailor 'captured' all the roaches and put them back in the box. Saying something like "Get back in there you naughty. Where do you think you are going?".
I seriously don't see how anyone can like roaches. The very sight of those wretched creatures make my stomach churn and I get a puking sensation. That's one living thing that the world can do without.
Btw, their dog sucks!
--
And finally, after mentioning the Top 10 weirdos of the street, I must end this write up by mentioning the weirdest and the most deserving character ever to have walked this street. It's called saving the best for the last. The person is none other than me. The whole neighbourhood was confused over what kind of a guy I was.
Half the people will swear I am the angel of the area, while the other half has put a bounty on my head. I say, its just a simple reflection of how they have treated me. The easiest way to locate our house in the street was to mention my name and "mentally disturbed" in the same sentence.
Sucks to leave this house and the people around, but all good things come to an end.
Astala Vista..baby!
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Dad's Khat-khatiya
Have you seen my dad's noble steed?
Theoretically its a scooter. A two wheeler.
Practically, its just metallic rubble twisted and turned like a totalled car which manages to go from A to B with a lot of noise and multiple break downs. When we had moved into the neighbourhood we stay in now, people had run out of their houses screaming, the first few times my dad came home on his khat-khatiya(Christened so based on the kind of sound the machine makes when rolling). We have forgotten where the wheels are.
When the local seismograph measures a consistent 4-5 on the Richter scale, the authorities know that my dad is out on his stallion.
When the local seismograph measures a consistent 4-5 on the Richter scale, the authorities know that my dad is out on his stallion.
Dad bought it on my 11th birthday(Which means I was 10) and I didn't get to ride on it. Of course, he took every other kid in the street and also all my cousins. No, this is not a sad "Dad didn't take me for a ride" story. Its just the irony that I mentioned.
Anyway, my dad rides it at an astonishingly high speed of 0.009 KM/h. In fact, its so fast that every time he rides, there is a reverse sonic boom we have to contend with. That is, the intensity of the noise generated from the khat-khatiyan is so high that it travels one full circle around the earth and hits him from behind a few hours after he started the journey, by then, he would have travelled about 800 meters from the starting point.
At one point, we all suspected that Valentino Rossi was my dad's secret love child.
I once had him on pillions and rode at around 10 KM/h. Khat-khatiya sounded like she was breathing after centuries, but my dad almost had a heart attack. Khat-khatiya never breathed like that again.
We once put a board "Please steal me" on it and parked it in the compound with the keys in the pawn the whole night. Next morning the modified sign now read "No thanks". We thought of adding a 100 rupee note the next night, but figured he will just take the note and leave.
On a good day, khat-khatiya breaks down only twice. Dad pushes the metallic rubble for about 1 KM. However, its the reason he is in such good shape. So to travel a distance of roughly 5 kilometers, he spends about 200 ML of petrol and 2 tablets of Isordil.
But everybody forgets the good things khat-khatiya has done. Where would all the mechanics/service-guys and their children go, where would they be without Khat-Khatiya who has fed them all these years? Is there no value to social service anymore?
This post is dedicated to the best Khat-Khatiya in the whole wide world, and my daddy owns it! My daddy can beat your daddy at the Super Slow-mo Championship.
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
ಸಿರಿಗನ್ನಡಂ ಗೆಲ್ಗೆ
\ಎಂ/ ಯೋ ಮ್ಯಾನ್ ಯೋ!! \ಎಂ/
ಕನ್ನಡ ಟೋಟಲಿ ರೂಲ್ಸ್ ಡೂಡ್... ಯೋ!
ಬಾರಿಸು ಕನ್ನಡದ ಡಿಂಡಿಮವ ;)
ಕನ್ನಡ ಟೋಟಲಿ ರೂಲ್ಸ್ ಡೂಡ್... ಯೋ!
ಬಾರಿಸು ಕನ್ನಡದ ಡಿಂಡಿಮವ ;)
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Saturday, 31 October 2009
House Hunt
The term finally came to an end after 7 long years and staying in this lovely neighbourhood with its weird neighbours (remind me to write about that) will soon come to an end.
Initially in search of a house in lease, we finally agreed to start considering houses for rent also as the date (end of term) drew closer.
The thing about the houses we could afford is that they always had a rider. Either they were
- too small,
- or they didn't like dogs
-No AEH
-Water problem
- or they wanted their furniture to stay in the house - which was a big no no for us. On top of all the frustration of riding around under the hot sun from house to house that the brokers took us to, I had to handle with an extra embarrassment to the landlords about What I Do!
The brokers would always introduce me as 'Engineer sayabru' followed by the landlord(s) looking at me with a bit more respect than what I have been getting from the people I already know. Then THAT would be followed by me explaining how I was not really all what the broker meant and that I had just finished my BE and was jobless.
My father is a big piteel master. (In kannada slang, it means he talks too much. More than necessary sometimes). Thus I also had to bear with the looong looong unwanted stories (which I have already heard a million gazzilion times) that eventually led to nowhere. The landlords always thought that the whole story made a point somewhere in the end with respect to the house, only to realise otherwise. One thing I never understood was the fact that they all seemed to enjoy the story anyway, even after realising it was not required in the discussion. And I thought I was jobless!
I mean come on, how can you be entertained on hearing the story about how my granny lived in a new and only house in a lonely new area with no power for 4 months all alone(ofcourse with all the drama, masala and tadka marke), when you are actually negotiating the rent/lease?
I would have said, wtf old man, you here for rent or story telling?
Anyway, after all the searching we narrowed in on two houses. One in a land far far away, the kind of lands where charming princes and beautiful princess' come from. And the other quite close to where we live now. The latter was for rent while the former is on lease.
Lease kinda works out financially, but the problem was that my dad sometimes returns late on his khat-khatiya scooter. And if it broke down on the way, he being a cardiac patient definitely cannot push it all the way to the land far far away.
So it has been decided that we will go for the house on rent. Those who know me for real, please remind me to show you where we are moving into. I just began packing stuff and even returned some DIY furnitures that I had borrowed from aunt a few years ago.
The update about the blocked SIM is that it miraculously fixed itself, even though all the while the dealers and occasional customer care fellows were blaming the problem on me, that I had changed some settings. Yess sirr, after all I recently moved into the city straight from the deepest darkest jungles of the Amazon and have no clue about gadgets.
After nearly 45 houses, one has been settled. After the shifting is complete, I search for my job with 0.19% more seriousness than I had all this while.
Note that I had to write this one in a hurry as the internet connection might be temporarily terminated for the time being during the shifting process and the exile may last as long as the whole of next month keeping in mind the lazy bums from BSNL.
Initially in search of a house in lease, we finally agreed to start considering houses for rent also as the date (end of term) drew closer.
The thing about the houses we could afford is that they always had a rider. Either they were
- too small,
- or they didn't like dogs
-No AEH
-Water problem
- or they wanted their furniture to stay in the house - which was a big no no for us. On top of all the frustration of riding around under the hot sun from house to house that the brokers took us to, I had to handle with an extra embarrassment to the landlords about What I Do!
The brokers would always introduce me as 'Engineer sayabru' followed by the landlord(s) looking at me with a bit more respect than what I have been getting from the people I already know. Then THAT would be followed by me explaining how I was not really all what the broker meant and that I had just finished my BE and was jobless.
My father is a big piteel master. (In kannada slang, it means he talks too much. More than necessary sometimes). Thus I also had to bear with the looong looong unwanted stories (which I have already heard a million gazzilion times) that eventually led to nowhere. The landlords always thought that the whole story made a point somewhere in the end with respect to the house, only to realise otherwise. One thing I never understood was the fact that they all seemed to enjoy the story anyway, even after realising it was not required in the discussion. And I thought I was jobless!
I mean come on, how can you be entertained on hearing the story about how my granny lived in a new and only house in a lonely new area with no power for 4 months all alone(ofcourse with all the drama, masala and tadka marke), when you are actually negotiating the rent/lease?
I would have said, wtf old man, you here for rent or story telling?
Anyway, after all the searching we narrowed in on two houses. One in a land far far away, the kind of lands where charming princes and beautiful princess' come from. And the other quite close to where we live now. The latter was for rent while the former is on lease.
Lease kinda works out financially, but the problem was that my dad sometimes returns late on his khat-khatiya scooter. And if it broke down on the way, he being a cardiac patient definitely cannot push it all the way to the land far far away.
So it has been decided that we will go for the house on rent. Those who know me for real, please remind me to show you where we are moving into. I just began packing stuff and even returned some DIY furnitures that I had borrowed from aunt a few years ago.
The update about the blocked SIM is that it miraculously fixed itself, even though all the while the dealers and occasional customer care fellows were blaming the problem on me, that I had changed some settings. Yess sirr, after all I recently moved into the city straight from the deepest darkest jungles of the Amazon and have no clue about gadgets.
After nearly 45 houses, one has been settled. After the shifting is complete, I search for my job with 0.19% more seriousness than I had all this while.
Note that I had to write this one in a hurry as the internet connection might be temporarily terminated for the time being during the shifting process and the exile may last as long as the whole of next month keeping in mind the lazy bums from BSNL.
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
The day I almost sent an SMS forward
There are about 500 contacts in my phone book.
Out of these 500, 498 people do NOT send me any messages. Ever.
What is left is A and B. The only two people who send me any forwards.
Both A and B complain that I do not send them any forwards. My situation is very clear and simple.
A sends, receives, understands and likes only veg jokes.
B sends, receives, understands and likes only non veg jokes. In fact, B can't even laugh at the veg jokes even if s/he wants to.
[Non veg jokes - Sexed up jokes ; Veg jokes - jokes about life and limb ]
Deadlock.
Come 27th, I received over 10 good forwards on my phone. And I thought to myself - Is it my birthday or what? 10 messages? For me? This is the best day ever! Wait till A,B and rest of the Fortune 500 contacts receive my forwards today! Yeah Baby!!
.
.
.
.
Lo and behold, Kahani mein twist hain...all my outgoing has been blocked. WTF?
I did call customer care, but they have such a pathetic customer care service that you have to listen to the automated auntiji's voice for over 15 friggin minutes about all their excitingly unwanted offers. And it's not like, you can just call them up and keep the cellphone on your desk for 15 minutes while you go take a dump. You have to press a number every time the automated voice asks me to and she does that like every 40 seconds or else I have to start from the beginning.
"To know more about my dumbass dail-a-tone service press 1..to know about..."
And when I do get connected, some girl who sounds like she is the most exhausted woman in the world doesn't even want to pretend that she is interested in solving the problem and asks me to change the handset and hangs up after saying something like "Thank you for calling customer care...".
ನಿಮ್ಮ ತಾತ ಕೊಡ್ತಾನ ಹೊಸ handset?
I heard later that these cell service companies do such things if a SIM validity has drawn to an end as most customers are expected to change the SIM. Many faces of corruption! What an Idea Sirjee?
Sorry A & B..No cookie for you!
(Yes, my life is boring!)
Out of these 500, 498 people do NOT send me any messages. Ever.
What is left is A and B. The only two people who send me any forwards.
Both A and B complain that I do not send them any forwards. My situation is very clear and simple.
A sends, receives, understands and likes only veg jokes.
B sends, receives, understands and likes only non veg jokes. In fact, B can't even laugh at the veg jokes even if s/he wants to.
[Non veg jokes - Sexed up jokes ; Veg jokes - jokes about life and limb ]
Deadlock.
Come 27th, I received over 10 good forwards on my phone. And I thought to myself - Is it my birthday or what? 10 messages? For me? This is the best day ever! Wait till A,B and rest of the Fortune 500 contacts receive my forwards today! Yeah Baby!!
.
.
.
.
Lo and behold, Kahani mein twist hain...all my outgoing has been blocked. WTF?
I did call customer care, but they have such a pathetic customer care service that you have to listen to the automated auntiji's voice for over 15 friggin minutes about all their excitingly unwanted offers. And it's not like, you can just call them up and keep the cellphone on your desk for 15 minutes while you go take a dump. You have to press a number every time the automated voice asks me to and she does that like every 40 seconds or else I have to start from the beginning.
"To know more about my dumbass dail-a-tone service press 1..to know about..."
And when I do get connected, some girl who sounds like she is the most exhausted woman in the world doesn't even want to pretend that she is interested in solving the problem and asks me to change the handset and hangs up after saying something like "Thank you for calling customer care...".
ನಿಮ್ಮ ತಾತ ಕೊಡ್ತಾನ ಹೊಸ handset?
I heard later that these cell service companies do such things if a SIM validity has drawn to an end as most customers are expected to change the SIM. Many faces of corruption! What an Idea Sirjee?
"Today is the day you will all remember as the day I almost sent you forwards!"
Sorry A & B..No cookie for you!
(Yes, my life is boring!)
This article falls under
What the hell??
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Choices
- Hey I got into some rough waters with the boys from down the lane. If you can get your chums from back in the day, you can help me win this bro.
-I can't call anyone from back in the day. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you company. I'll come with you to lose.
-I can't call anyone from back in the day. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you company. I'll come with you to lose.
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Happy ದೀಪಾವಳಿ (Deepavali)
Remember that sky rocket firecracker image I had on this page in the year I started writing here? Well about 2 people knew about my blog then..so I guess most of you haven't seen it. The blog had a green background and the moving image was black and it never went well with each other. I was just wondering that it would do really well right now.
Oh..Happy ದೀಪಾವಳಿ everyone :) Don't ask me why the mix between English and Kannada in the wish. I hope all of ya have a great time.
This year I somehow feel like bursting crackers. Anybody else feel like it too? I burst my last cracker about 9 years ago. Well, its got nothing to do with the child labour issue in Shivakasi. I somehow feel a lot of families there are able feed because of the industry. Something like a necessary evil. I stopped for the environment ;) I know I know..boring. Won't be so boring when there is no place left to live.
Yet, somehow, I feel like bursting one or two this time. I have always enjoyed bursting crackers.
Letc what happens.
Meanwhile, You have a safe and happy time celebrating the festival! (Thnx to everyone who wished me on sms, mail and other means.)
Oh..Happy ದೀಪಾವಳಿ everyone :) Don't ask me why the mix between English and Kannada in the wish. I hope all of ya have a great time.
This year I somehow feel like bursting crackers. Anybody else feel like it too? I burst my last cracker about 9 years ago. Well, its got nothing to do with the child labour issue in Shivakasi. I somehow feel a lot of families there are able feed because of the industry. Something like a necessary evil. I stopped for the environment ;) I know I know..boring. Won't be so boring when there is no place left to live.
Yet, somehow, I feel like bursting one or two this time. I have always enjoyed bursting crackers.
Letc what happens.
Meanwhile, You have a safe and happy time celebrating the festival! (Thnx to everyone who wished me on sms, mail and other means.)
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Hear that? Exactly!
I have had nothing new to tell or share.
Which is why Im nowhere to be seen.
Im not in exile, if that's what it seems.
Have you been reading my blog lately?
Exactly!
There is nothing to write about.
Oh yeah! We have to move soon. So we are searching for a new house. The property rates and rent/lease rates have really gone up around here. So the houses we like, we can't afford and the ones we can afford are really just mud walls covered with coconut leaves.
Our broker took us to one really bad condition house in the middle of nowhere. And the Landlady was so full of herself that she was shouting at the broker, with a loud, hoarse, vulgar voice in that koplu accent for being 15 mins late and just because of that she was not ready to show us the house. We were as it is rather pissed at being taken to the place, so my dad folded his hands at the lady with...ummm..."respect" and said "Maam, even if you show us the house, we won't live here, kindly get back to whatever you were doing. Sorry for the disturbance" :P My parents are very sarcastic when it comes to humour. Both mum and dad. So you know now where I get it from.
So we are still searching - for a house that can hold our movables and our egos as well as fit into our pockets.
There was one such place, very close to my college(former). Guess what, it even had a girls PG. Wohoo? Well no. The owner didn't like dogs. Any man who doesn't like dogs can't be my landlord. Hmmpphh!! So I forced my parents to stop checking it out in between. Bye bye Girls PG! My folks seemed to like the place.
--
BTW, I realised I haven't acknowledged a lot of comments on my blogs lately. Im sorry about that. The thing is I avoid pinging my own page for many many reasons. So I kinda lost track lately. Will do.
--
Mafia wars, the text based game..it has really got me. I have moved a 100 levels since the last post.( For those who understand what that means.)
--
And oh. Can you believe Obama won the Nobel for peace? Thank God they hadn't given a noble to Mahatma Gandhi, or it would have been a disgrace to his soul. I mean, all the guy did was pump weapons and money into just another terrorist state.
What is the world coming to? 2012!!
Which is why Im nowhere to be seen.
Im not in exile, if that's what it seems.
Have you been reading my blog lately?
Exactly!
There is nothing to write about.
Oh yeah! We have to move soon. So we are searching for a new house. The property rates and rent/lease rates have really gone up around here. So the houses we like, we can't afford and the ones we can afford are really just mud walls covered with coconut leaves.
Our broker took us to one really bad condition house in the middle of nowhere. And the Landlady was so full of herself that she was shouting at the broker, with a loud, hoarse, vulgar voice in that koplu accent for being 15 mins late and just because of that she was not ready to show us the house. We were as it is rather pissed at being taken to the place, so my dad folded his hands at the lady with...ummm..."respect" and said "Maam, even if you show us the house, we won't live here, kindly get back to whatever you were doing. Sorry for the disturbance" :P My parents are very sarcastic when it comes to humour. Both mum and dad. So you know now where I get it from.
So we are still searching - for a house that can hold our movables and our egos as well as fit into our pockets.
There was one such place, very close to my college(former). Guess what, it even had a girls PG. Wohoo? Well no. The owner didn't like dogs. Any man who doesn't like dogs can't be my landlord. Hmmpphh!! So I forced my parents to stop checking it out in between. Bye bye Girls PG! My folks seemed to like the place.
--
BTW, I realised I haven't acknowledged a lot of comments on my blogs lately. Im sorry about that. The thing is I avoid pinging my own page for many many reasons. So I kinda lost track lately. Will do.
--
Mafia wars, the text based game..it has really got me. I have moved a 100 levels since the last post.( For those who understand what that means.)
--
And oh. Can you believe Obama won the Nobel for peace? Thank God they hadn't given a noble to Mahatma Gandhi, or it would have been a disgrace to his soul. I mean, all the guy did was pump weapons and money into just another terrorist state.
What is the world coming to? 2012!!
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Thursday, 24 September 2009
You know things are just screwed up when...
---You get requests from the guys, who are hairier than the juggler and his bear, and the requests say "Hi, come with me to my farm, we can grow colourful fruits and vegetables and milk cute fat cows"
---You think this is the gayest thing you have ever seen and go "Dude! That's gay" until one fine day, the girl who plays the lead role in your honey coated dreams sends you the same invite and you accept. (Then religiously login everyday cause you get to send a gift each day and logout).
---Your wise cracks start appearing on SMS, status messages and low quality websites. And suddenly, you are the one who is not original.
---You realise there are very few hobbies that you can afford right now, and you are interested in none of them.
---You think everyday is a Tuesday until you realise its already weekend only because everybody is returning to the city to their homes. Sometimes you even ask "Is it september or October?"
---You have exceeded your net usage by 735MB this month. Dad is sharpening his axe.
---You move to Mafia wars for time pass (and get away from all the boredom and gayness in the world) and start slicing, dicing and icing losers world over. Boys will be boys? All of a sudden you are attacked by "Danger Kitty" and robbed off 12 million.
There is nothing better to boost your self esteem than being bullied by a 16 year old girl who calls herself Danger Kitty.
Why do I even try to be normal?
---You think this is the gayest thing you have ever seen and go "Dude! That's gay" until one fine day, the girl who plays the lead role in your honey coated dreams sends you the same invite and you accept. (Then religiously login everyday cause you get to send a gift each day and logout).
---Your wise cracks start appearing on SMS, status messages and low quality websites. And suddenly, you are the one who is not original.
---You realise there are very few hobbies that you can afford right now, and you are interested in none of them.
---You think everyday is a Tuesday until you realise its already weekend only because everybody is returning to the city to their homes. Sometimes you even ask "Is it september or October?"
---You have exceeded your net usage by 735MB this month. Dad is sharpening his axe.
---You move to Mafia wars for time pass (and get away from all the boredom and gayness in the world) and start slicing, dicing and icing losers world over. Boys will be boys? All of a sudden you are attacked by "Danger Kitty" and robbed off 12 million.
There is nothing better to boost your self esteem than being bullied by a 16 year old girl who calls herself Danger Kitty.
Why do I even try to be normal?
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
My path to self discovery
I have an energetic soul ("most active and adventurous of your group..jumpy and active and are a fun person to be around!")
My lucky number is 1 (Probably cause that's how much I used to score in my internals)
My nickname should be sporty
I am wolverine
I was born to be a detective cause I have a lot of natural instincts (Yeah, a guy who is writing about problems with self discovery)
Am the perfect guy with the girls and they are all over me cause I treat them so well (They must be all invisible)
Am a kitten because I am shy,vulnerable but sweet! (Yes, I puked after this)
Am Excellent at kissing("awesome" and "talented" )
Am in love and the victim is supposed to be lucky
The first letter of my soul mate starts with A
Adolph Hitler was my ancestor!
I can fly and...
I Am actually Jim Carey!!
--
I wrote this blog all this while on a mission to discover myself and ended up with nothing. All I had to do was ask Facebook!!
Dang it! Why don't people tell me about stuff like this in time?
My lucky number is 1 (Probably cause that's how much I used to score in my internals)
My nickname should be sporty
I am wolverine
I was born to be a detective cause I have a lot of natural instincts (Yeah, a guy who is writing about problems with self discovery)
Am the perfect guy with the girls and they are all over me cause I treat them so well (They must be all invisible)
Am a kitten because I am shy,vulnerable but sweet! (Yes, I puked after this)
Am Excellent at kissing("awesome" and "talented" )
Am in love and the victim is supposed to be lucky
The first letter of my soul mate starts with A
Adolph Hitler was my ancestor!
I can fly and...
I Am actually Jim Carey!!
--
I wrote this blog all this while on a mission to discover myself and ended up with nothing. All I had to do was ask Facebook!!
Dang it! Why don't people tell me about stuff like this in time?
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Never ending holidays By Whine the Poo
You know what they say about pretty girls?
"If a girl is really pretty, she will have a complete jerk boyfriend to prove it"
Come on. This is so unfair. You must not propagate phrases like that. It gives false hope to guys like me!
<--Since I have a lot of spare time with myself, these are the kind of thoughts flooding my head write now.
Every two hours, I get this strange feeling:
I want to delete my blog,
deactivate all my internet accounts,
burn this years diary,
format my computer,
and just vanish into thin air without leaving a trace.
That is if, boredom doesn't kill me already.
If you have read that post "Some things you dunno about me" you would know I wanted to be a drummer as a kid. When I recall that, I feel like pulling my hair out. Them darned instruments are more than twice my entire worth.
I also just love cricket. Playing, watching, listening. When I was in 2nd semester, this guy who then played for Mysore used to play with us in the evenings, and he had asked me to appear for selection that I may stand some chance with my bowling. I had asked my dad to let me go. He gave me a four word answer that put a big period next to all that.. "Shut - Up - And - Study"
Then I realised I really like this coding and shit. I had a knack for it, all the loops and variables, hardly got confused. It ain't so bad after all eh. I thought I will get somewhere with BE.
Fast-forward two and a half (million) years. I am sitting on a tattered, executive, antique, chair, which probably belonged to my grandpa - The Legendary Drunken Master, listening to Led Zepplin's Stairway To heaven and still dreaming about everything I thought I could have been.
The most entertaining thoughts come from a stray ant or a fly on the wall I am staring at (Yes, I'm still doing that, and No, it's not just a joke) and I go-
"Oh My God! There is an ant on the wall!! I wish I had a camera, I could take snaps and put it on Orkut and Facebook and I would be so popular"
I check my cellphone. No new messages.
Check my mail. No new mail.
There is something in the spam. "The enlargement that you needed"
I can't login to any sites. I used up my internet usage quote about 15 days ago.
While rummaging through my drawers and cupboards for something-anything interesting, I found a list I had made in January. And no, it was not interesting.
The list, was made with an assumption that I would have got my first earnings by Aug/Sep, and it included the things I wanted to buy,
*Chain for Pluto
*Repair DVD drive
*DVDs
*..
The list goes on..and I finally realise how unrealistically ambitious I have been all this while. I tore the piece of paper, crumpled the bits and threw it out of the house.
Feels like, I have been peeing in the ladies toilet, all my life. You dunno nothing wrongs yet and all seems to be fine, but when faced with reality, you just wanna hang yourself.
My mind is drifting away to nothingness, and that ain't happening any quickly either.
Dear God, if you are listening, I could really use one of those miracle thingies right now..
--
Whine the Poo
"If a girl is really pretty, she will have a complete jerk boyfriend to prove it"
Come on. This is so unfair. You must not propagate phrases like that. It gives false hope to guys like me!
<--Since I have a lot of spare time with myself, these are the kind of thoughts flooding my head write now.
Every two hours, I get this strange feeling:
I want to delete my blog,
deactivate all my internet accounts,
burn this years diary,
format my computer,
and just vanish into thin air without leaving a trace.
That is if, boredom doesn't kill me already.
If you have read that post "Some things you dunno about me" you would know I wanted to be a drummer as a kid. When I recall that, I feel like pulling my hair out. Them darned instruments are more than twice my entire worth.
I also just love cricket. Playing, watching, listening. When I was in 2nd semester, this guy who then played for Mysore used to play with us in the evenings, and he had asked me to appear for selection that I may stand some chance with my bowling. I had asked my dad to let me go. He gave me a four word answer that put a big period next to all that.. "Shut - Up - And - Study"
Then I realised I really like this coding and shit. I had a knack for it, all the loops and variables, hardly got confused. It ain't so bad after all eh. I thought I will get somewhere with BE.
Fast-forward two and a half (million) years. I am sitting on a tattered, executive, antique, chair, which probably belonged to my grandpa - The Legendary Drunken Master, listening to Led Zepplin's Stairway To heaven and still dreaming about everything I thought I could have been.
The most entertaining thoughts come from a stray ant or a fly on the wall I am staring at (Yes, I'm still doing that, and No, it's not just a joke) and I go-
"Oh My God! There is an ant on the wall!! I wish I had a camera, I could take snaps and put it on Orkut and Facebook and I would be so popular"
I check my cellphone. No new messages.Check my mail. No new mail.
There is something in the spam. "The enlargement that you needed"
I can't login to any sites. I used up my internet usage quote about 15 days ago.
While rummaging through my drawers and cupboards for something-anything interesting, I found a list I had made in January. And no, it was not interesting.
The list, was made with an assumption that I would have got my first earnings by Aug/Sep, and it included the things I wanted to buy,
*Chain for Pluto
*Repair DVD drive
*DVDs
*..
The list goes on..and I finally realise how unrealistically ambitious I have been all this while. I tore the piece of paper, crumpled the bits and threw it out of the house.
Feels like, I have been peeing in the ladies toilet, all my life. You dunno nothing wrongs yet and all seems to be fine, but when faced with reality, you just wanna hang yourself.
My mind is drifting away to nothingness, and that ain't happening any quickly either.
Dear God, if you are listening, I could really use one of those miracle thingies right now..
--
Whine the Poo
Friday, 28 August 2009
How to be "smart"? - For dummies
Note: I get this strange feeling I should not be putting up such a sarcastic post, cause very few people can take a joke. But I say what the hell, and have gone ahead it with it anyway, amidst fears of unintentionally upsetting people.
Any resemblance to dumb asses worldwide is purely co-incidental and definitely NOT regretted!
--------------------------------
Do you feel dumb around your friends?
Do you even have friends?
Do you feel you need to be in a higher class of society than you are in right now?
Need to be treated better by people?
Missing out on all the cream?
How to become smart? Damn! The age old question plaguing all the dummies out there.
Worry no more, for I have brought you the tutorial you have been waiting for! The next 5 minutes will be the best 5 minutes you have ever spent, as it will take you from dumbass to smart, just like that. Just follow these these steps in the same order and you wont have to worry about a thing in the future!
1. Speaka - ina - inglishhh! (Speak in English)
Get yo' grammar right dog! You must be perfect in English. And no matter how much you love your other mother-tongue, whatever it is, you must pretend as if every other language is filthy and tapori. "You don't gimme no shit, bitch!" is no more smart!
From now, It should be a bit like,
"Oh that guy? Chiiii you know he speaks in kannada and all? I wouldn't touch him with a 20 feet pole."
Just run to your nearest book store and grab that GRE book and start memorizing the toughest, longest and the most unnecessary words ever created in the language so that you can sound as complex as possible.
For more info on improving vocabulary and opportunistic usage of words contact My friend Rubs if you know her and ask her about the day when
"A lizard was APPROACHING her system"
For info on being smart, you still have to continue with this tutorial.
2. Now fuck English - Learn Spanish!
Or French or Italian for that matter. Because, you know, once you start behaving like you were born to the Queen Victoria herself, you suddenly realise everybody around you are behaving like that too. English is passe!
So you need to set yourself apart, learn some french or spanish or latin here and there and use it with your friends.
Important: The more your friend doesn't understand/know these languages, more often you must use it on him/her!
For example-
C'est Moi - What can that mean?
You just ping your old friend (Who is dumb) or your new friend (Who thinks YOU are dumb) and type "C'est Moi!"
" What did S/he say? Must be something smart. Let me just laugh! "
Chances are both won't know what it means. It means "It's me". Now WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!
Your buddy will probably go "uh? what?" and then you go.. "What..oh that! Ha-ha, its French. Sorry about that. I forgot you didn't know French! Silly me!"
3. You think you are being funny do you?
When you are supposed to be smart, you are supposed to have a good sense of humour. So the "smart" people think, the better the sense of humour, the lesser you laugh at poor jokes. So you should also think like that.
Thus, being smart comes at a price. You can't laugh at normal people's jokes anymore. No matter how much other people are enjoying, no matter how much you wanna roll on the floor and laugh, you just sit there, take a deep breath and say to him/her
"Hmmm...that's funny! :| "
However, if the joke concerns a celebrity/fictional character that very few people around have any clue about, then you get to laugh your ass out. For ex-
In a party of say 10 people, 'A' and 'B' are trying to show everyone else that they are smart.
A: Hey do you what Tony Callouses new song is gonna be called?
B: Lol! I don't know A, tell me will you?
A: Tubthumping!!
"HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
In the whole party, only A & B seem to get the joke. Who knows, Tony Callouses may not even be a real person or a fictional character, but only A & B know that right?
B: A, you are too much...hahaha..."Chumbawumba?"....haha..how do you come up with such stuff anyway? you sicko!
--
Poor onlookers, are forced to accept that you two are smart!
Rest of the times, you are forced to use
"Very funny!"
"That's not funny"
"You think you are being funny do you?"
Or if a lot of people seem to find the other guy/gal funny you just make sure you say
"That's dumb!!!"
4. Mockery
You are perfect. You are supreme. You can do no wrong. Rest are filthy mortals. Why? Because you are smart, they're not!
And since you are smart, you have to pick up the mantle of having to cleanse this tainted world of all it's filth. So you mock!
Daily exercise: Pick one dumb ass in random today and use all means to make fun of him/her behind the persons back.
When you are climbing up the smart ladder, there are bound to be kiss-asses all around you. Use them for the laughter factor (But you don't laugh).
5. Status message
Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, gtalk, yahoo are some elements on an endless list of ways you can use to update status messages. So here is what you do.
1)Find something smart to say.
2)Then say it.
I remember this one guy, God knows why he is on my list, used to cook up something rude to say about a general group of people, and every 5 minutes he would login and update that as a status in all his online accounts.
Then there was this kiss-ass who would always press like for his status messages. Lets face it, he is a guy who will love this tutorial. He probably never realised that one of those statuses were targeted at him.
Blogging is a big No-No for you! "Smart" people don't blog. You WILL be caught!
6. Of Films and Books
[Click here for NOTE]
You gotta be in on a discussion, everytime someone speaks about a movie or a book. So what you do is ask friends for some good books to read and then instead of borrowing them, you look up its plot on the internet. Same goes for movies.
Now imagine you are at this neat party, two people are discussing a book,
"I am reading Gahboo Hoosa's book 'Blah-Blah' it is simply amazing"
This is when you butt in. Yes butt in, you will see why,
"Oh yeah, 'blah-blah' is nice but you must read his 'snore-snore', that's his best work"
Notice the difference in the way they look at you now!
Just in case they pick up some particular line or incident from the book you gotta bail out saying "Oh yeah? I don't remember much, I read it long back, but I remember I thoroughly enjoyed it"
7. Light travels faster than sound...
...which is why most people appear smart until they speak. This means that you, who ain't really smart, must only speak when you are absolutely sure about things! Rest of the times, you just acknowledge or bail out.
"Oh yes I agree"
or
"I can't come to a conclusion on that opinion of yours, I believe it needs more speculation"
8. Correction my dear Watson
Again, when you are very sure about things, never loose an opportunity to point out a mistake and make people feel dumb. Cause as you might have already guessed, it makes you look smart!
9. Ethics and principles
Seriously, you may not have any, but now you need some. But don't worry, its just for show. You only need to bring up your ethics and principles when somebody is taking notice.
10. Diplomacy
Remember the mockery behind the back thing? That's only around stupid people. When someone literally smart is around you, you put up your best diplomatic behaviour, cause honestly, you just don't have the balls to talk straight.
But of course, the 'about me's on your orkut and facebook must always say "Bold, straight talking, blah blah"
In reality you are probably the biggest gossip in your class/college, and everybody knows that, but don't worry, that still makes you "Smart".
Summary:
There are some 17-19 year olds making visits to this page(which makes this cold man happy) and a few others who are still a li'l immature to decipher and understand the nested levels of sarcasm in my writing. So:
This is NOT a real tutorial. It's just a little tribute to all the fools in the world who think they are smart! You CANNOT become smart like this, that's why it says "smart"
Don't leave comments like
"Iceman Iceman, you are wrong. You can't become smart like this."
It ends up making me look stupid, not you.
Anyway, want the best solution to become smart? - Think
Come back read my next tutorial. Its called
"How to loose so-called friends in a single blog post"
Any resemblance to dumb asses worldwide is purely co-incidental and definitely NOT regretted!
--------------------------------
Do you feel dumb around your friends?
Do you even have friends?
Do you feel you need to be in a higher class of society than you are in right now?
Need to be treated better by people?
Missing out on all the cream?
How to become smart? Damn! The age old question plaguing all the dummies out there.
Worry no more, for I have brought you the tutorial you have been waiting for! The next 5 minutes will be the best 5 minutes you have ever spent, as it will take you from dumbass to smart, just like that. Just follow these these steps in the same order and you wont have to worry about a thing in the future!
1. Speaka - ina - inglishhh! (Speak in English)
Get yo' grammar right dog! You must be perfect in English. And no matter how much you love your other mother-tongue, whatever it is, you must pretend as if every other language is filthy and tapori. "You don't gimme no shit, bitch!" is no more smart!
From now, It should be a bit like,
"Oh that guy? Chiiii you know he speaks in kannada and all? I wouldn't touch him with a 20 feet pole."
Just run to your nearest book store and grab that GRE book and start memorizing the toughest, longest and the most unnecessary words ever created in the language so that you can sound as complex as possible.
For more info on improving vocabulary and opportunistic usage of words contact My friend Rubs if you know her and ask her about the day when
"A lizard was APPROACHING her system"
For info on being smart, you still have to continue with this tutorial.
2. Now fuck English - Learn Spanish!
Or French or Italian for that matter. Because, you know, once you start behaving like you were born to the Queen Victoria herself, you suddenly realise everybody around you are behaving like that too. English is passe!
So you need to set yourself apart, learn some french or spanish or latin here and there and use it with your friends.
For example-
C'est Moi - What can that mean?
You just ping your old friend (Who is dumb) or your new friend (Who thinks YOU are dumb) and type "C'est Moi!"
" What did S/he say? Must be something smart. Let me just laugh! "Chances are both won't know what it means. It means "It's me". Now WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!
Your buddy will probably go "uh? what?" and then you go.. "What..oh that! Ha-ha, its French. Sorry about that. I forgot you didn't know French! Silly me!"
3. You think you are being funny do you?
When you are supposed to be smart, you are supposed to have a good sense of humour. So the "smart" people think, the better the sense of humour, the lesser you laugh at poor jokes. So you should also think like that.
Thus, being smart comes at a price. You can't laugh at normal people's jokes anymore. No matter how much other people are enjoying, no matter how much you wanna roll on the floor and laugh, you just sit there, take a deep breath and say to him/her
"Hmmm...that's funny! :| "
However, if the joke concerns a celebrity/fictional character that very few people around have any clue about, then you get to laugh your ass out. For ex-
In a party of say 10 people, 'A' and 'B' are trying to show everyone else that they are smart.
A: Hey do you what Tony Callouses new song is gonna be called?
B: Lol! I don't know A, tell me will you?
A: Tubthumping!!
"HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
In the whole party, only A & B seem to get the joke. Who knows, Tony Callouses may not even be a real person or a fictional character, but only A & B know that right?
B: A, you are too much...hahaha..."Chumbawumba?"....haha..how do you come up with such stuff anyway? you sicko!
--
Poor onlookers, are forced to accept that you two are smart!
Rest of the times, you are forced to use
"Very funny!"
"That's not funny"
"You think you are being funny do you?"
Or if a lot of people seem to find the other guy/gal funny you just make sure you say
"That's dumb!!!"
4. Mockery
You are perfect. You are supreme. You can do no wrong. Rest are filthy mortals. Why? Because you are smart, they're not!
And since you are smart, you have to pick up the mantle of having to cleanse this tainted world of all it's filth. So you mock!
Daily exercise: Pick one dumb ass in random today and use all means to make fun of him/her behind the persons back.
When you are climbing up the smart ladder, there are bound to be kiss-asses all around you. Use them for the laughter factor (But you don't laugh).
5. Status message
Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, gtalk, yahoo are some elements on an endless list of ways you can use to update status messages. So here is what you do.
1)Find something smart to say.
2)Then say it.
I remember this one guy, God knows why he is on my list, used to cook up something rude to say about a general group of people, and every 5 minutes he would login and update that as a status in all his online accounts.
Then there was this kiss-ass who would always press like for his status messages. Lets face it, he is a guy who will love this tutorial. He probably never realised that one of those statuses were targeted at him.
Blogging is a big No-No for you! "Smart" people don't blog. You WILL be caught!
6. Of Films and Books
[Click here for NOTE]
You gotta be in on a discussion, everytime someone speaks about a movie or a book. So what you do is ask friends for some good books to read and then instead of borrowing them, you look up its plot on the internet. Same goes for movies.
Now imagine you are at this neat party, two people are discussing a book,
"I am reading Gahboo Hoosa's book 'Blah-Blah' it is simply amazing"
This is when you butt in. Yes butt in, you will see why,
"Oh yeah, 'blah-blah' is nice but you must read his 'snore-snore', that's his best work"
Notice the difference in the way they look at you now!
Just in case they pick up some particular line or incident from the book you gotta bail out saying "Oh yeah? I don't remember much, I read it long back, but I remember I thoroughly enjoyed it"
7. Light travels faster than sound...
...which is why most people appear smart until they speak. This means that you, who ain't really smart, must only speak when you are absolutely sure about things! Rest of the times, you just acknowledge or bail out.
"Oh yes I agree"
or
"I can't come to a conclusion on that opinion of yours, I believe it needs more speculation"
8. Correction my dear Watson
Again, when you are very sure about things, never loose an opportunity to point out a mistake and make people feel dumb. Cause as you might have already guessed, it makes you look smart!
9. Ethics and principles
Seriously, you may not have any, but now you need some. But don't worry, its just for show. You only need to bring up your ethics and principles when somebody is taking notice.
10. Diplomacy
Remember the mockery behind the back thing? That's only around stupid people. When someone literally smart is around you, you put up your best diplomatic behaviour, cause honestly, you just don't have the balls to talk straight.
But of course, the 'about me's on your orkut and facebook must always say "Bold, straight talking, blah blah"
In reality you are probably the biggest gossip in your class/college, and everybody knows that, but don't worry, that still makes you "Smart".
Summary:
There are some 17-19 year olds making visits to this page(which makes this cold man happy) and a few others who are still a li'l immature to decipher and understand the nested levels of sarcasm in my writing. So:
This is NOT a real tutorial. It's just a little tribute to all the fools in the world who think they are smart! You CANNOT become smart like this, that's why it says "smart"
Don't leave comments like
"Iceman Iceman, you are wrong. You can't become smart like this."
It ends up making me look stupid, not you.
Anyway, want the best solution to become smart? - Think
Come back read my next tutorial. Its called
"How to loose so-called friends in a single blog post"
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Music and Me
I was tagged by Miss Perplexed!
Just read on to understand the tag.
Favourite artist: Metallica
Favourite artist was not part of her tag, but part of a facebook tag made to me earlier. Thought I will take care of both in one post ;)
Also note that none of the songs below are from Metallica, even though they are my favourite. Mainly because, I can't relate any of their songs to my life. I also tried to fit in a kannada song somewhere, but didn't have a favourite that matched any of these questions and I couldn't come up with questions to match the favourites, so that didn't happen either.
Opening credits: Danger zone - Kenny Loggins.
Waking up : Here I am - Bryan Adams
Average day: Everyday - Bon Jovi
First date: You are beautiful - James Blunt
Falling in love: For I cant help falling in love with you - George Weiss
Love scene: Zara Zara - R.H.T.D.M
Fight scene: Ten Thousand Fists in the air - Disturbed
Breaking up: Last Thing On My Mind - Ronan Keating
Getting back together: Way back into Love - Hugh Grant & Haley Bennet
Secret love: She Fucking Hates Me - Puddel Of Mudd
Life's okay: Keep rollin' - Limp Bizkit
Mental breakdown: Du Hast - Rammstein
Driving: Decadance - Disturbed
Learning a lesson: A new day has come - Celine Dion
Deep thought: Loose yourself - Eminem
Flashback: Koi Lauta De Mere Beete Hue Din - Kishore Kumar
Partying: - Tubthumping - Chumbawamba
Happy dance: - Hakuna Matata
Regretting: No regrets here, thus this one will be left empty.
Long night alone: Tere Bina Zindagi se koi - Kishore & Lata (Cause there is a line 'aaj ki raat tum jo kehdo toh...' remember?)
Death scene: Bring me to life - Evanescence
Closing credits: My Way - Elvis Presley
--
Thank you Perplexed. I had to pick songs that you or Silverstreak hadn't picked (Atleast most of them) and sorry for the ones meant to be funny :P I just had to do it!
Now I tag those who I think have any chance of picking this up-
Abhishek (Who will be going to Varanasi)
Ajay (Out of curiousity)
Anup (Who hasn't blogged for like forever)
Anush (who will love this)
Gauri (Who writes lovely poems)
Mithun (Who desperately needs a second post)
Rashmi (Who doesn't like tags)
Rubs (Who won't even read this post)
Shilpa the great (Damn!)
Shimmer (Who loves coffee too)
Smitha (Who will read this, won't comment on it and definitely will not follow the tag because aunty has ego)
Trashley (Who really needs an excuse to blog)
And anybody who reads this and wants to do this :)
Just read on to understand the tag.
Favourite artist: Metallica
Favourite artist was not part of her tag, but part of a facebook tag made to me earlier. Thought I will take care of both in one post ;)
Also note that none of the songs below are from Metallica, even though they are my favourite. Mainly because, I can't relate any of their songs to my life. I also tried to fit in a kannada song somewhere, but didn't have a favourite that matched any of these questions and I couldn't come up with questions to match the favourites, so that didn't happen either.
Opening credits: Danger zone - Kenny Loggins.
Waking up : Here I am - Bryan Adams
Average day: Everyday - Bon Jovi
First date: You are beautiful - James Blunt
Falling in love: For I cant help falling in love with you - George Weiss
Love scene: Zara Zara - R.H.T.D.M
Fight scene: Ten Thousand Fists in the air - Disturbed
Breaking up: Last Thing On My Mind - Ronan Keating
Getting back together: Way back into Love - Hugh Grant & Haley Bennet
Secret love: She Fucking Hates Me - Puddel Of Mudd
Life's okay: Keep rollin' - Limp Bizkit
Mental breakdown: Du Hast - Rammstein
Driving: Decadance - Disturbed
Learning a lesson: A new day has come - Celine Dion
Deep thought: Loose yourself - Eminem
Flashback: Koi Lauta De Mere Beete Hue Din - Kishore Kumar
Partying: - Tubthumping - Chumbawamba
Happy dance: - Hakuna Matata
Regretting: No regrets here, thus this one will be left empty.
Long night alone: Tere Bina Zindagi se koi - Kishore & Lata (Cause there is a line 'aaj ki raat tum jo kehdo toh...' remember?)
Death scene: Bring me to life - Evanescence
Closing credits: My Way - Elvis Presley
--
Thank you Perplexed. I had to pick songs that you or Silverstreak hadn't picked (Atleast most of them) and sorry for the ones meant to be funny :P I just had to do it!
Now I tag those who I think have any chance of picking this up-
Abhishek (Who will be going to Varanasi)
Ajay (Out of curiousity)
Anup (Who hasn't blogged for like forever)
Anush (who will love this)
Gauri (Who writes lovely poems)
Mithun (Who desperately needs a second post)
Rashmi (Who doesn't like tags)
Rubs (Who won't even read this post)
Shilpa the great (Damn!)
Shimmer (Who loves coffee too)
Smitha (Who will read this, won't comment on it and definitely will not follow the tag because aunty has ego)
Trashley (Who really needs an excuse to blog)
And anybody who reads this and wants to do this :)
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Monday, 24 August 2009
If you see Kay..
Warning: Total Bad ass post. Not suitable for weenies, jimbos, meow-meows, cry babies, priests, nuns, altar boys, righteous people, do-gooders, say-gooders, oldies, coldies, gandhis, sadhus and perhaps some children below the age of 18.
Being a reader on this page is subject to heart attack risks, please read the offer document (disclaimer post) carefully before reading.
---------------------------------------------
(Another article re-incarnated from the old drafts)
Such a wonderful word! No seriously. There was some baccha kuccha izzat that remained hidden away from my view. Today I intend to wipe it off by writing about this word - Fuck. Its sorta like selling your soul to the devil. But of course I did that also, long back, so lets just shut the Fuck up and talk about the word Fuck?
Everybody has a touching story about how they were introduced to this literary marvel. Maybe your brother gave it to you, or your sister gave it to you. (Or forced it onto you) Perhaps it was your neighbour, a friend..what the hell it may have been the TV.
My touching story begins with me joining a new school after a lousy 7th standard in a school where "idiot" was the biggest swear word I had known. If some kid yelled idiot, no not call ME an idiot, even if he yelled 'The I-word' aloud at someone else or even at nothing then I would
"ohhhhhh you said bad word, wait I will tell teacher. Maaaaaaaaam maaaaaaam he said bad worrrrrd "
After that the teacher would come and spank the living fuck outta these anti-social elements who spoke of the 'I-word'. (Which I was made to believe was an abomination to God)
8th standard came and I was in a new school. In this new school, it was customary to bring a new guy up-to speed of all their heart-warming traditions. I remember my very first day in my new school. Everyone seemed to be like crazy animals, shouting yelling, throwing stuff. All this was new to me. In my earlier school, everything had to be well-mannered and disciplined. Anyway, its barely 10 minutes after my first assembly here, and as we returned to the classroom, this guy comes up-to me and says
"Hey new boy, what's your name?"
"I'm so&so"
"Hello 'so&so', do you know what Fuck means?" (Time is money and he was stingy)
I just looked at him puzzled. And he went on
"Fuck! Fuck? F U U U U K. FUCK! dunno?"
I looked on more puzzled.
"Have you seen Titanic?"
"Yes"
"Did you watch what they do in the Jeep properly?"
"Not clearly"
"But you have an idea right?"
"No"
"God..OK Anyway. That is fucking"
"OK"
By now quite a group had come together to watch my holy acceptance tradition going on.
"Do you know how babies are born? "
"No"
"By fucking"
"OK" (After the horrible ending to the conversation I was clearly confused about whether I just learnt English or Cinema or Biology)
---------
I learnt a lot that day on my first day of school. I just wish I could say I was proud of it all!
Later in the evening that day, as I got into the school bus to head back home, two guys, also from from the other section, sat next to me. One of these guys spoke to me, while the other just watched on, with a silly smirk on his face:
"Hi, what's your name?"
"So&so"
"OK, I'm guy1, he is guy2"
"Hello:)"
"Aren't you the new guy who hit M C D?"
(Worried) "Hmmm, is he hurt? Im sorry, I wouldn't have..."
"Why did you hit him?"
"He threw stones at me, one of them hurt me hard on my forehead"
"Why did he throw stones at you?"
"I dunno. After that he was just smiling when I asked him. So I hit him"
"Good. We don't like him either"
Now I started to feel good. I had met somebody better than the other horrible boys n girls. Somebody I could have a normal conversation with, which did not involve introducing me to a new swear word, somebody to...
" Did you get hurt? "
"No"
"Cool...so do you know what Fuck is? "
-------------------------
Things have changed a lot from that fateful day to date. Today, Fuck is the brilliant answer to almost all of life's burning questions.
Its already 1 AM have you taken the dog out?
Fuck!!!
How was your exam?
Got fucked.
Is your Crush good looking?
She is fuckin cute.
Please don't feel bad but everybody here hates you.
Like I give a fuck
How much you studied?
Fuck off.
How about you take me to Coffee day after your exams? Or atleast Icecream?
How about a fucking no?
I dunno why people don't like this word. And I definitely dunno why people don't like me.
I'm such a sweet, soft and decent guy!
I'm thinking as I write this, from now onwards, any day I try to put up my angel face, people will straight-away say "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote the 'fuck' blog?"
The world is so FUCKED up!
Being a reader on this page is subject to heart attack risks, please read the offer document (disclaimer post) carefully before reading.
---------------------------------------------
(Another article re-incarnated from the old drafts)
The word "Fuck"
Such a wonderful word! No seriously. There was some baccha kuccha izzat that remained hidden away from my view. Today I intend to wipe it off by writing about this word - Fuck. Its sorta like selling your soul to the devil. But of course I did that also, long back, so lets just shut the Fuck up and talk about the word Fuck?
Everybody has a touching story about how they were introduced to this literary marvel. Maybe your brother gave it to you, or your sister gave it to you. (Or forced it onto you) Perhaps it was your neighbour, a friend..what the hell it may have been the TV.
My touching story begins with me joining a new school after a lousy 7th standard in a school where "idiot" was the biggest swear word I had known. If some kid yelled idiot, no not call ME an idiot, even if he yelled 'The I-word' aloud at someone else or even at nothing then I would
"ohhhhhh you said bad word, wait I will tell teacher. Maaaaaaaaam maaaaaaam he said bad worrrrrd "
After that the teacher would come and spank the living fuck outta these anti-social elements who spoke of the 'I-word'. (Which I was made to believe was an abomination to God)
8th standard came and I was in a new school. In this new school, it was customary to bring a new guy up-to speed of all their heart-warming traditions. I remember my very first day in my new school. Everyone seemed to be like crazy animals, shouting yelling, throwing stuff. All this was new to me. In my earlier school, everything had to be well-mannered and disciplined. Anyway, its barely 10 minutes after my first assembly here, and as we returned to the classroom, this guy comes up-to me and says
"Hey new boy, what's your name?"
"I'm so&so"
"Hello 'so&so', do you know what Fuck means?" (Time is money and he was stingy)
I just looked at him puzzled. And he went on
"Fuck! Fuck? F U U U U K. FUCK! dunno?"
I looked on more puzzled.
"Have you seen Titanic?"
"Yes"
"Did you watch what they do in the Jeep properly?"
"Not clearly"
"But you have an idea right?"
"No"
"God..OK Anyway. That is fucking"
"OK"
By now quite a group had come together to watch my holy acceptance tradition going on.
"Do you know how babies are born? "
"No"
"By fucking"
"OK" (After the horrible ending to the conversation I was clearly confused about whether I just learnt English or Cinema or Biology)
---------
I learnt a lot that day on my first day of school. I just wish I could say I was proud of it all!
Later in the evening that day, as I got into the school bus to head back home, two guys, also from from the other section, sat next to me. One of these guys spoke to me, while the other just watched on, with a silly smirk on his face:
"Hi, what's your name?"
"So&so"
"OK, I'm guy1, he is guy2"
"Hello:)"
"Aren't you the new guy who hit M C D?"
(Worried) "Hmmm, is he hurt? Im sorry, I wouldn't have..."
"Why did you hit him?"
"He threw stones at me, one of them hurt me hard on my forehead"
"Why did he throw stones at you?"
"I dunno. After that he was just smiling when I asked him. So I hit him"
"Good. We don't like him either"
Now I started to feel good. I had met somebody better than the other horrible boys n girls. Somebody I could have a normal conversation with, which did not involve introducing me to a new swear word, somebody to...
" Did you get hurt? "
"No"
"Cool...so do you know what Fuck is? "
-------------------------
Things have changed a lot from that fateful day to date. Today, Fuck is the brilliant answer to almost all of life's burning questions.
Its already 1 AM have you taken the dog out?
Fuck!!!
How was your exam?
Got fucked.
Is your Crush good looking?
She is fuckin cute.
Please don't feel bad but everybody here hates you.
Like I give a fuck
How much you studied?
Fuck off.
How about you take me to Coffee day after your exams? Or atleast Icecream?
How about a fucking no?
I dunno why people don't like this word. And I definitely dunno why people don't like me.
I'm such a sweet, soft and decent guy!
I'm thinking as I write this, from now onwards, any day I try to put up my angel face, people will straight-away say "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote the 'fuck' blog?"
The world is so FUCKED up!
This article falls under
Life bindaas
Saturday, 22 August 2009
World's most happening friends list
In India, people love to talk(and definitely not listen). And half the people on Gtalk may not even know how to compose and send an email (Except forwarding other people's meaningless mails) but they sure know how to chat on it!
You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to chat on gtalk, which is why its the most popular thing on the internet around here. Any fool can be a techno-crappo without even knowing what that even means!
Why am I saying all this? You must have thought that when I wrote "My incredible boring life" post a few days ago, that I wrote just for the kicks...right? Ohh so funny and all? Not really.
You must really take a look at my friends list on Gtalk in the peak hours. (India's most popular online app)
They are ALL IDLE!!! What the hell are they so busy with? I just don't get it!
You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to chat on gtalk, which is why its the most popular thing on the internet around here. Any fool can be a techno-crappo without even knowing what that even means!
Why am I saying all this? You must have thought that when I wrote "My incredible boring life" post a few days ago, that I wrote just for the kicks...right? Ohh so funny and all? Not really.
You must really take a look at my friends list on Gtalk in the peak hours. (India's most popular online app)
They are ALL IDLE!!! What the hell are they so busy with? I just don't get it!
This article falls under
A 1000 words
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Disclaimer
After severe public outcry against the lack of disclaimers on my blog, I have decided to add a disclaimer finally.
Please understand that if I have spoken about someone/something who sounds a lot like you (even if its you) I'm not speaking about you, because you are probably not worth it.
This blog is not for people who are offended easily and/or have relatively poorer sense of humour.
So reminding you, that, due to the kind of language used on this site, besides the fact that the author is inexcusably egocentric, it is not suitable for readers of any particular group, ethnicity, region or age!
So nobody should read it!
Please note: There are only two people who still read this blog, one is yourself, who is reading it right now and the other is not online. You both should know, you make your cold man happy!
Please understand that if I have spoken about someone/something who sounds a lot like you (even if its you) I'm not speaking about you, because you are probably not worth it.
This blog is not for people who are offended easily and/or have relatively poorer sense of humour.
So reminding you, that, due to the kind of language used on this site, besides the fact that the author is inexcusably egocentric, it is not suitable for readers of any particular group, ethnicity, region or age!
So nobody should read it!
Please note: There are only two people who still read this blog, one is yourself, who is reading it right now and the other is not online. You both should know, you make your cold man happy!
This article falls under
Hange Sumne
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)