How to be "smart"? - For dummies

Note: I get this strange feeling I should not be putting up such a sarcastic post, cause very few people can take a joke. But I say what the hell, and have gone ahead it with it anyway, amidst fears of unintentionally upsetting people.
Any resemblance to dumb asses worldwide is purely co-incidental and definitely NOT regretted!
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Do you feel dumb around your friends?

Do you even have friends?

Do you feel you need to be in a higher class of society than you are in right now?

Need to be treated better by people?

Missing out on all the cream?

How to become smart? Damn! The age old question plaguing all the dummies out there.

Worry no more, for I have brought you the tutorial you have been waiting for! The next 5 minutes will be the best 5 minutes you have ever spent, as it will take you from dumbass to smart, just like that. Just follow these these steps in the same order and you wont have to worry about a thing in the future!

1. Speaka - ina - inglishhh! (Speak in English)

Get yo' grammar right dog! You must be perfect in English. And no matter how much you love your other mother-tongue, whatever it is, you must pretend as if every other language is filthy and tapori. "You don't gimme no shit, bitch!" is no more smart!

From now, It should be a bit like,

"Oh that guy? Chiiii you know he speaks in kannada and all? I wouldn't touch him with a 20 feet pole."

Just run to your nearest book store and grab that GRE book and start memorizing the toughest, longest and the most unnecessary words ever created in the language so that you can sound as complex as possible.

For more info on improving vocabulary and opportunistic usage of words contact My friend Rubs if you know her and ask her about the day when

"A lizard was APPROACHING her system"

For info on being smart, you still have to continue with this tutorial.


2. Now fuck English - Learn Spanish!

Or French or Italian for that matter. Because, you know, once you start behaving like you were born to the Queen Victoria herself, you suddenly realise everybody around you are behaving like that too. English is passe!

So you need to set yourself apart, learn some french or spanish or latin here and there and use it with your friends.

Important: The more your friend doesn't understand/know these languages, more often you must use it on him/her!

For example-

C'est Moi - What can that mean?
You just ping your old friend (Who is dumb) or your new friend (Who thinks YOU are dumb) and type "C'est Moi!"

" What did S/he say? Must be something smart. Let me just laugh! "

Chances are both won't know what it means. It means "It's me". Now WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!


Your buddy will probably go "uh? what?" and then you go.. "What..oh that! Ha-ha, its French. Sorry about that. I forgot you didn't know French! Silly me!"


3. You think you are being funny do you?

When you are supposed to be smart, you are supposed to have a good sense of humour. So the "smart" people think, the better the sense of humour, the lesser you laugh at poor jokes. So you should also think like that.

Thus, being smart comes at a price. You can't laugh at normal people's jokes anymore. No matter how much other people are enjoying, no matter how much you wanna roll on the floor and laugh, you just sit there, take a deep breath and say to him/her

"Hmmm...that's funny! :| "

However, if the joke concerns a celebrity/fictional character that very few people around have any clue about, then you get to laugh your ass out. For ex-

In a party of say 10 people, 'A' and 'B' are trying to show everyone else that they are smart.

A: Hey do you what Tony Callouses new song is gonna be called?

B: Lol! I don't know A, tell me will you?

A: Tubthumping!!

"HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

In the whole party, only A & B seem to get the joke. Who knows, Tony Callouses may not even be a real person or a fictional character, but only A & B know that right?

B: A, you are too much...hahaha..."Chumbawumba?"....haha..how do you come up with such stuff anyway? you sicko!
--

Poor onlookers, are forced to accept that you two are smart!

Rest of the times, you are forced to use

"Very funny!"

"That's not funny"

"You think you are being funny do you?"

Or if a lot of people seem to find the other guy/gal funny you just make sure you say

"That's dumb!!!"



4. Mockery

You are perfect. You are supreme. You can do no wrong. Rest are filthy mortals. Why? Because you are smart, they're not!
And since you are smart, you have to pick up the mantle of having to cleanse this tainted world of all it's filth. So you mock!

Daily exercise: Pick one dumb ass in random today and use all means to make fun of him/her behind the persons back.
When you are climbing up the smart ladder, there are bound to be kiss-asses all around you. Use them for the laughter factor (But you don't laugh).


5. Status message

Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, gtalk, yahoo are some elements on an endless list of ways you can use to update status messages. So here is what you do.

1)Find something smart to say.
2)Then say it.

I remember this one guy, God knows why he is on my list, used to cook up something rude to say about a general group of people, and every 5 minutes he would login and update that as a status in all his online accounts.

Then there was this kiss-ass who would always press like for his status messages. Lets face it, he is a guy who will love this tutorial. He probably never realised that one of those statuses were targeted at him.

Blogging is a big No-No for you! "Smart" people don't blog. You WILL be caught!


6. Of Films and Books

[Click here for NOTE]

You gotta be in on a discussion, everytime someone speaks about a movie or a book. So what you do is ask friends for some good books to read and then instead of borrowing them, you look up its plot on the internet. Same goes for movies.

Now imagine you are at this neat party, two people are discussing a book,
"I am reading Gahboo Hoosa's book 'Blah-Blah' it is simply amazing"

This is when you butt in. Yes butt in, you will see why,

"Oh yeah, 'blah-blah' is nice but you must read his 'snore-snore', that's his best work"

Notice the difference in the way they look at you now!

Just in case they pick up some particular line or incident from the book you gotta bail out saying "Oh yeah? I don't remember much, I read it long back, but I remember I thoroughly enjoyed it"

7. Light travels faster than sound...

...which is why most people appear smart until they speak. This means that you, who ain't really smart, must only speak when you are absolutely sure about things! Rest of the times, you just acknowledge or bail out.

"Oh yes I agree"

or

"I can't come to a conclusion on that opinion of yours, I believe it needs more speculation"


8. Correction my dear Watson

Again, when you are very sure about things, never loose an opportunity to point out a mistake and make people feel dumb. Cause as you might have already guessed, it makes you look smart!

9. Ethics and principles

Seriously, you may not have any, but now you need some. But don't worry, its just for show. You only need to bring up your ethics and principles when somebody is taking notice.

10. Diplomacy

Remember the mockery behind the back thing? That's only around stupid people. When someone literally smart is around you, you put up your best diplomatic behaviour, cause honestly, you just don't have the balls to talk straight.

But of course, the 'about me's on your orkut and facebook must always say "Bold, straight talking, blah blah"

In reality you are probably the biggest gossip in your class/college, and everybody knows that, but don't worry, that still makes you "Smart".




Summary:
There are some 17-19 year olds making visits to this page(which makes this cold man happy) and a few others who are still a li'l immature to decipher and understand the nested levels of sarcasm in my writing. So:

This is NOT a real tutorial. It's just a little tribute to all the fools in the world who think they are smart! You CANNOT become smart like this, that's why it says "smart"
Don't leave comments like

"Iceman Iceman, you are wrong. You can't become smart like this."

It ends up making me look stupid, not you.

Anyway, want the best solution to become smart? - Think



Come back read my next tutorial. Its called

"How to loose so-called friends in a single blog post"