The office Part II - I see dumb people

I know the last one was good, but I had decided not to write again about work, but the incidents that happen over here just plague my mind to just come back and write one more. If you liked the last one, you will like this one too. The very last story was slightly lengthy, so I decided to write a seperate one for that, but it is linked here anyhow and is probably the best in the series.

Today I will tell you about the characters I have to encounter at office.

Bubbling brook

The faces a person is most likely to remember here when it comes to strangers are those that belong to the unfortunate souls that are seated very close to the Rest room area. Of course, it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes to cleanliness or aroma, but I imagine it must be very annoying to have people walking around (With that OMG! OMG! :S look) all day.

Bubbling Brook is a lady in her mid-30s who sits right at the corner of the office where we have to turn left just before entering the restroom. She seems like a lonely soul and for good reason. I had thought I had seen it all when once I saw her smiling wildly at her monitor and drooling. Yep! I said drooling. I usually walk very fast and I could have never been sure if I could trust what I saw. And then I got sure, my eyesight was perfect. I witnessed the phenomenon a couple of times more. I don’t know if it’s some kind of a disorder she has, but I never wanna know what was on her screen every time I saw her drooling.

I avoid going to the restroom from that side now!

Revenge of the Sith

This is the guy I run into daily at the restroom (What’s with the restroom?). On first look you would think he has fallen straight out of a coconut tree into this company. But look at him again and he has that forever angry look like as if he has come here to avenge the murder of his nanny. His eyebrows seem like they are eternally held together in a scornful look. Probably the only thing missing in the entire getup is a shining Machete. Even when he is patiently combing his well oiled coconut coir-like hair he has his angry git look. And if he ever turns to look at you, it is as if he just met his nemesis and you are never sure if he going to pull out his super lethal oily comb and slash away “Die you nanny killer die die die!!!”

I always maintain 6 feet of distance between him and me. Hey, better safe than sorry!

Alanis Morissette

This name applies to everybody here who find it funny that I wash my hands with soap before and after breakfast/lunch/dinner. Now I have all the more reason not to shake hands with anyone.

Me: You bought your girlfriend a condom for her birthday? What’s wrong with you?

Alanis Morissette: Relax, It’s not like I washed my hands with soap BEFORE and AFTER lunch. what do you know about relationships anyway?

Me: ????? I don’t think there is even a reply to that.

Alanis Morissette: Guys we have finally won an argument with Iceman. Thanks to our Teamwork...

Me: ...And your untouchable sense of hygiene.

Tale of two techies:

GanteGiri (Techie 1): I am thinking of buying an iPod. (This dope is always busy wondering what he should think he should buy next.)

The Other guy (Techie 2): Buy the one from Apple.

GanteGiri: No the iPods that Apple make are costlier and don’t have many features. What do you say Iceman?

Me: Does Apple sell brains?

The man with the wooded leg - Arr that's me

After the fall, I had a bit of limp in my step for about two weeks. There is this wanna-be in my office who always tries to fake his accent, trying to sound all American and is always yapping at others trying to prove his knowledge of the west. Reminds me of someone from my college, but this guy is slightly better, but irritating all the same. He comes up to me and raises his hand hinting at me to give him a Hi-5 and I know he wont go away until I do give him one, but stubborn as I am to prove my ignorance of his existence that I refuse to even look away from my monitor let alone give him a Hi5.
After waiting for around 20 seconds yelling repeatedly "Dude! Dude!" he gives up.


The americano: What are you doing?
Me: Something we people call 'work'.
The Americano: Haha! Thats funny yo, thats so funny. You have good sense of humour, just like the Americans.


At this point Im wondering if I threw a stick, he would go away.



Americano: Chill man, chill. by the way, I've always wanted to ask you, I have noticed you have a limp. Can I ask what happened?


I was wondering  'Always'???.



Me: I will tell you about it, but cross your heart and tell me that you won't mention my bad leg again?


The Americano(now elated): Yes Bro, Never again.


Me: You must take this to your grave.


The Americano (Now listening with all the strength in his nervous system): Wow..yes. I swear. I have always waited for a moment like this in my life. I think you and I can be best friends. Ya know..two dudes, just hanging out and sharing stuff. So tell me whats with the leg.

This guy makes me sad! Anyway, I turned my face towards the window, brought up the most dramatic look ever and said "Veitnam!"


Its been three weeks since this happened, I haven't run into him again. Mission Accomplished!!

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day
As I said, this one deserved a seperate mention. So follow the link and read it. Based on the reactions I get, I may or may not come back with more short stories from this circus where I perform.

Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..

Does anyone remember the old Nerolac ad from 1991 (around that time)?

The one where they play music with the paint brushes by beating them on the ladder and empty nerolac boxes and stuff?
                                                                                                                                                                                

I want the video. I don't want the cheezy Shah Rukh Khan version with all the over acting and stuff. Don't gimme suggestions like "Try googling it" or "Check on youtube" cause that's the first thing anyone would do.

If you have it, please let me know. I want I want I want!!
Maybe someone reading this has it or collected it or recieved it in a forward or something - hopefully.


Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..
Deewaron ko jab sajaana ho..
Nerolaaac..Nerolac!

(No, this ain't an endorsement :P)


--
Edit:
Thank you Anonymous and Thank you Anusha, Im guessing you are both the same people :P

I got the video within 2 hours of posting this. Anusha mailed it to me. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
A big >:D< to you.

Its 47 seconds and its awesome. I watched it quite a few times already. Nostalgia...*sniff*!

I told you so..

I didn't think I would be writing today at all. Cause you see, I should have been working right now at office and at office as you know we have limited access to the internet.

So does that mean I didn't leave to my work town? I did. In fact it was raining heavily and despite repeated scoldings and warnings from dad, mum and aunt, I got on my bike and took off.

Of course, half an hour after Humpty Dumpty (More like Skimpy Wimpy) had a big fall on the road. Iceman got little booboos here and there that are no big deal(Seriously, I'm fine!), but my poor old bike is damaged.

To add insult to injury, I have been listening to "I told you so"s all day along.

--
I forgot to let you know - My helmet saved me! Otherwise My last post -Introspection and The Five year plan would have ironically, been my last!

Introspection and The Five year plan

I'm a true Gemini. The only person who will know my deepest desires and plans will be me. Here I attempt to go against that trait and publish for all to see, a small fraction of what I wouldn't have preferred to disclose, usually...

---

Recently a person asked me a question out of the blue – “So tell me about you. What are you good at?”

She had me completely stunned. I had no answer at all. Time and again such incidents should not keep reminding me that I have been a loser all my life. I think it's high time I do something so that I don't have to face the situation again. Oh about the answer? I told her one of my original Rajnikant jokes and she forgot to repeat her question later or decided not to.

It led me to think of what I want to do in the next five years. So I put down a list and somehow I feel it is connected to me being a step more productive in life. Don’t ask me how. Also these are the list of things don't require the Gods to descend upon middle earth to help me finish it off. The plan is open to tweaking and additions mind you. As long as it doesn't mess with the basic idea. Here it is-

* Pay off the education loan

            This might be the most important of them all. There are some things I would finally want to get for myself. Before I go crazy with that idea, I need to pay off my loan first. Helps the conscience ;)

* Buy a car with no mortgage

            I am a biker dude - No doubt. This is for the family. Some car. We never had one.

* Spend all my money - Once!

            Money makes the world go round. So make it go round. However I don’t intend to feature this plan in any other 5 year plan ever.

* Tell a girl You love her and mean it.

Note: I know this not something that can be "done" or "achieved" at will. Save me your gyan! And No, I have never said it to anyone with or without meaning it or whatever. Stop assuming. Wait, keep assuming, it’s more fun this way, like the time you all thought I screwed someone at work. Anyway, I hear all you singles shouting against it (or now wondering if you should)..trust me - I've been there, done that! At the end of five years from today I will be closing in on my 30s and will be only 20 years away from settling down ;) 

* Add 7 kilos

             Yeah Yeah Yeah..wtvr!! Maybe this should be achieved before my previously listed plan, otherwise I will just end up being rejected.

* Don’t let this list turn into a bucket list

            Self explanatory.

I considered adding 'Higher studies' in there. But then, I am not really sure I can. At this point, it would take a miracle. In that case, the list would say: 

-Turn into a superhero

-Save two million lives from peril

-Improve forest cover

-Reverse Global warming

-Get the beautiful girl For your very own Happily Ever After

---

A little note of interest before we go –

I asked about 6-7 people about what I should do to make my life more worth it. (No I am not suffering from depression. It’s the result of a bit of introspection.)

Around five people gave me only one instant reply – Write a book!

Now I don’t see myself doing that, so putting that to rest – What would you suggest? You can also tell me about your five year plan. Maybe your list will help me improve mine ;)

---

Let us revisit this list in the Sweet November of 2015 and see if I walked the walk.

Waiting for Deepavali leave

There is a holiday declared on Nov 1st and 5th. So I just have to apply 3 days of leave (Which I don't have anymore in the first place) in order to enjoy 9 days of vacation. I approached my manager in August and September for the approval of the same. [BTW My manager and my team lead have taken an oath to ruin my life, but that's another story]. He has denied both the times.


His reason is that since I am more local I can't be granted the leave since there are scores of other people waiting in line.

Looks like it ain't happening!

Insomnia

I am one cursed soul. I don't know what I have done to anger the Gods, what sins I have committed, but they are definitely super pissed at me.

I suffered from Insomnia when I was studying BE somewhere around 4-5 sems. And people usually make it sound cool because you are still all funny and cheerful in the day and the guy doesn't even sleep? Trust me..it ain't that cool.

Then I suffered again a few weeks towards the end of BE. The sick thing was that the first time I suffered, nobody at home or around believed me. One fine day, around 3 AM when a neighbour had problems and they came out to ask me for help, called out in a very low tone and I sprang out and opened the door. They believed me now! Oh yeah! Why would a guy lie about insomnia? I just don't get it. Well, nobody ever really believe the things that go on with me. For example, people at my work place wont believe I have a habit of writing. (I refuse to name the blog - which helps their case). New people I get to know don't believe I used to talk a lot..its a long list.

Anyway, after the holidays started in the June of 2009, I used to sleep 10-12 hours a day. Most people thought I was making up for all the lost sleep.

When I didn't suffer from insomnia, the Gods ensured I got no sleep with numerous well orchestrated plans. First you all know about the attack of the street lights? I wrote about it. Then the attack of Akon, thanks to my roommate who carefully placed his computer speakers next to my pillow and played it all night as he studied each and every single fucking day, with the lights on. I wrote about that also.

I came out of that PG, rented a house, got rid of that room mate, occupied an entire bedroom for myself (Call me selfish, I just want my sleep). Now apart from the fact that I sleep on the floor, and there are a bunch of Tamilians who seem to laugh like little girls till 1AM for no apparent reason, I did manage to get some sleep, until last month.

The Insomnia is back!

The tossing and the turning. The uncontrollable drowsiness. The headache. I can't take it no more. You know what the worst part is about insomnia? You gotta come up with something to think for the entire 8-10 hours you are tossing and turning on your bed. That usually doesn't happen and so you are left with thinking about all the useless trash in the world.

"How would it be if my eyes were blue?" (I can already think of a comment coming up on this - 'Thuu..you would look uglier')

"My manager, he is such an asshole. Maybe I could follow him on the way home and smash a stone on his head when he turns into a dark alley"

Then I rub my eyes for a while. Turn right..adjust my knees or hands or whatever, throw the rug around, turn the pillow over.

"Maybe I should rob a bank. THEN I could buy that DVD writer for the laptop"

"I think I will make a good robber" And now my Imaginarium starts creaking into action. 'Ladies and gentlemen, this will only take a minute. Put your belongings into this bag, and you behind the counter, push that button and Ill blow your head off, you sir Ill take that iphone also, you madam, you got a nice rack...' that's when the robbery scene turns into something else, but lets not talk about that now. I'm sure you people know by now I have got a pretty good imagination.

Anyway, that doesn't really help, cause you really wanna start counting sheep (which doesn't work if I do either) but the moment you start counting, the sheeps turn into anything.. Dirt Bikes, Bottles of..err...mazaa, Pamela Andersons..

This goes on till dawn when I can hear people start to wake up, some start sweeping, others start weeping. And now I am really cursing myself for losing so much time and pull the blanket over the head trying to get the last few minutes of sleep.

That's when I usually get some sleep..a long series of 20 second sleep intervals..I think. Probably what's kept me alive.

I have cut down the intake of coffee, hoping that it is what is causing the insomnia, not working. A tablet of citrizine has always helped me get some sound sleep. But I wouldn't resort to pills. Any other ideas?

Say NO!

This is a story told to me by one of my colleagues. I dunno if she made it up herself or heard about it from someone else like me, but I felt it is definitely worth a mention. Her description was a little more sober, but it had the same killer ending.

It is the actual story of one of the guys who work at the same place as I do. He is your usual rockstar wanna be. The kind who think you become super cool the moment you start playing the guitar and get laid every hour, but like every other idiot of his kind, has no sense in music whatsoever. He has his eyes sunken deeply into his skull like all the life has been sucked outta him.

The story describes how he went into drugs and is facing a lot of trouble. I seriously can't remember his name, but for the sake of this narration lets assume it is Lumbadada (cause Im sure his name also starts with L). It starts with Lumbadada as a 8 year old kid.

Lumbadada, was very sad as a little kid. He was shit ugly. So he could never land a chick. He always hoped that when he grew older, he would stop looking like his neck was balancing a ball of dung. He waited, he waited, then he waited some more. Then he started looking like he was 92.

No girl ever liked him. No girl would even look at him.

One fine day, he snapped. He decided that by hook or by crook, he was going to get himself a girl. Even if it was the last thing he would do. So he tried DRUGS to get girls.

Desperate
Resort to
Using
Guitar
Strings to get girls.

Anyway, his life still sucks.

And as far the as the story is concerned. I gave her a standing applause!

Im sure in his case, all the chicks do only one thing, they

Say NO!

One Sinful Night

Friday evening it is, everybody's in casuals,
Somehow it has gone on a little longer than usual.
That's because he was asked to work the weekend,
Now he knew it, the world was about to end.

TGIF no more, he sat there alone,
Tying loose ends, breaking the back bone,
As the lights switched off one by one,
There she was standing, speaking on the phone.

Two of the loneliest souls in the world,
So to have stayed back this late, wasn't absurd.
Their eyes met and smiles appeared,
The air of awkwardness had disappeared.

"Coffee?" He asked, as if he had known her forever.
"Yess!!" She said, like she had waited forever.
A cup of coffee, a chocolate pastry, won't it be fun?
Little did they know, their sinful night had just begun.

The date was a done deal in the blink of an eye,
and yet they weren't done, they wanted more tonight.
"I hate to go back to my room, my room-mates are all gone"
"Well, then lets go to your place and extend this conversation?"


It was raining as they both headed to his house, soaking wet,
The phone calls were already made, the excuses were set.
His intentions might have been innocent, expectations light,
But all his beliefs, principles and conscience were readying for a fight.

And then it started, when she spotted his bottle of Vodka,
Just right, to awaken their admirable chutzpa
He turned on the music, dignity went for a toss,
Went to the guy next door and borrowed some grass.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll,
Under the influence of alcohol,
Fuck all the rules, rules are for fools,
Virginity, after all, is not all that cool.

Sweaty palms, loud moans, names taken in whispery breaths,
scratched backs, liberated souls, lightly tugging her jet black tress.
With Led Zepplin, Guns and Roses and Metallica in one playlist,
Bare bodies, cold marble floor, dim lit light and clasped fists,


"Take a chance, live your life,
Absolutely no point in always being right."
Everything he was against, he was now embracing,
This one sinful night, his heart was racing.


A sense of completeness all the way to his core,
Sinned he has, but now he feels pure.
How can sense of purity come from a night like this?
His conscience is an evil genius I am sure.

Should I say this was all a dream and end this song?
Fantasy! Never happened, nothing really went wrong?
Or should I admit, that there is a new kid in town?
That the rude old guy we knew, loved, is now moving On?

Somewhere in the Himalayas

On a trip to the snowy Himalayas, most normal people would have a cold, utter some words of amazement, some have a snowball fight, while a few have an imagination enough to build a snowman. It must be obvious now, that people around me are a tad better than normal.

Kav(Almost seen in the picture) and Anush(who refused to pose with me) built an Iceman.

Yes girls, I am just as cute as that guy. Totally!

Why do they even play in SL?

I can't remember one match. ONE EFFIN MATCH that they played in Lanka without rains or the fears of it.

Remember the 2002 Champions trophy final?

That place shouldn't be allowed to host cricket matches at all.

Why is it even a country?

The office

A lot of people have been complaining to me that I have become shockingly silent and less energetic. Enough to enquire if I am sick. I hope this post will explain everything and clear all doubts.

At the Cafe :

Halli Gowda: Maga, you know what?

Iceman: What? (Which actually sounds like - Do I have an option not to know?)

Halli Gowda: I have decided something.

Iceman: Hmmm. (Not again?)

Halli Gowda: (Now speaking to everybody at the table, who has become interested) I have decided to become a football fan.

Iceman: Must have been a tough decision.

Halli Gowda: No maga. Nothing like that. I was sitting at home yesterday, when the thought came to my head. What do you say?

Iceman (Rolling my eyes): You “decided” to become a fan? (Looking around to see if anybody finds this weird)

Halli Gowda: Yeah. Football…football fan.

Nobody seemed to find it weird.

Iceman: You do what your heart tells you. Go make us all proud. (Banging my head on a wooden table – in my imagination.)

During a net meeting :

This is the kind of meetings where your desktop can be seen and sometimes (depending on permissions) can be controlled by a person on some other computer machine far away. Then we also call each other up so that we can discuss whatever is going on, on the screen.

Voice at the phone: Open that excel sheet.

The leader opens the excel sheet.

Voice: Right jao (Go right. – Indicating him to  scroll right)

Leader scrolls right on the sheet.

Voice. Aur right jao (Go further right)

Leader scrolls more.

Voice: Aur jao (Go more)
This goes on for about 12-14 times and we are all standing and wondering what he might have written in that sheet so far right after all the empty cells, because in MS Excel, there is no outer limit to how far you can scroll, the sheet just keeps growing. This happened long enough to have a commercial ad in between.

Voice: Aur right jao

*Pause*

Voice: Sorry, I meant left. Go left.

Fail!

Another day another meeting:

Teammate: Hi, meeting eeej about tuh istart. Caam een.

Iceman: ok.

Teammate: You aarr presser no?

Iceman: No, coder. What is the role of a presser? (trying to sound all corporate and technical)

Teammate: No role. But someone told me you are presser.

Iceman: Who told? I am not so experienced to be put into such high level roles. You must be confused with someone else…?

Teammate: That only, no experience no? Presser, said like that manager.

Iceman (Seriously doubting my own knowledge about the industry): Manager told you that I have been assigned this ‘presser’ role?

Teammate: Arrey, you just phinissed your gra-ju-yesan no?

Iceman(Now, banging my head on a marble table – in my imagination):  Oh got it. Yes I am a presser. (Fresher).

The leader: Haha, you must be very absent minded, you phorgot that you were presser?

Iceman: Yeah. I’ll be forgetting more than that from now on.

At the room:

The Headless Horseman: I have decided to quit drinking.

Iceman: What?

The Headless Horseman: I know.

Iceman: When did you start?

The Headless Horseman: The other day I tasted a bit of that Vodka. My uncle thinks I am getting fat.

Iceman: Where do you guys come up with these life changing decisions?

Processes processes:

If there is one thing that people here complain about work around here, it is the numerous processes to be followed than actual work. Even farting requires a permission which has to be obtained by sending a mail to a certain so-and-so and CC to your manager and department head for approval and it doesn’t get approved for about a week by when you have got tons of shitty ideas and plots developed by holding back your fart.

I had to mail a certain Narnia (Of course the name is fucking changed. But it sounds close.), asking for access to a high priority code execution environment. She did not reply and nor did she do her side of the job, which got me into an online fight with her and well I never got access to the environment. Remember, the seemingly nicey-dicey but cut-throat world of corporate is not a place cut-out for people like me. I just had to be happy with cursing Narnia to be stuck to her seat for the rest of her life wherever she sat in any of the offices of my company in the world.

Cute girl:

Recently, I was given a task which had to be carried out on a colleague’s machine because of the favourable setup. She sat at the far opposite corner of the floor. As me and my teammate sat down to get down and dirty with the task, I noticed that her neighbour was pretty damn cute. Someone I had noticed a few times at the café. No make-up, pure cute. I couldn’t stop turning around to look at her and was pretty distracted. She had been noticing this too and I feared pissing her off. For the rest of the day I got busy on phone calls to the manager and other people related to the task and had no time be distracted (Yeah, I know!).

At the end of the day, as she (the cute girl in the neighbouring cubicle) got up to go home or the café or wherever she was going, she lost her balance and bumped into me.

Cute girl: Hey, sorry J

Iceman: That’s alright.

Cute girl: You seem to be having a hectic day?



Iceman: No, I guess it’s a simple job, but I’m new to this.

Cute girl: Ok. I have no idea what you are doing, but I can help..?

Iceman (Speaking to myself): “Fuck work, put your moves on her, this is your chance.”
(Now speaking loudly) Haha, that’s very nice of you, but no thanks. I’m almost done. And your name is?

Cute girl: I’m Narnia. And you are?

Iceman (Crash-Boom-Bang):  Never mind!
FML!

NOTE: I might and probably will lose my sense of humour very soon. Please bear with me then.

Forty thousand fists in the air

*Quick Post*

Looks like I have crossed 40k.  I like numbers :) Dunno after these many years, if that's a good number or a bad number. I just know that when I started, I would have been happy to know this would happen.

Thank you

In other news, I realised some blogs are missing. Some time ago someone had asked me why I deleted a story after publishing it. Not realising what had happened, I assumed I deleted it and didn't realise it. Now I see that 2 more blogs from around same time are missing. Happened to anyone else?

In yet another news, I just read "The crazy snake guy" and trust me, two months on, I didn't get some parts of it myself. (That should set me back a few readers. Sucks when you all you have are few readers.). It gets crazier when I read my diary, though I hardly read them both.

Of all the insane things I have done this year...

...this has gotta be the most insane.


I return home every weekend. This weekend was not the same. I had a weekend party to organize along with a few others for my company and my cousins wedding on Sunday.

As eventful as it was, missing my sleep and being so tired and all, I was already missing home. I have no clue how people stay away from their home towns for so long. But once you have lived here, you have lived.

Drowsy and tired, I convinced myself that this week would be over and soon it would be Friday, as I folded all my clothes and put in my suitcase in order (Yes, still living out of my suitcase.). Soon I realised it was almost 8 and took my room mate out so that he could buy a cellphone (He has a knack of having his cell phones stolen.). When we were finally having dinner, still drowsy eyed, two people messaged me that Monday was a holiday. And just like that, without any logic or fore thought, I got on my bike and rode 150 odd Kilo meters home.

If deciding to drive 150 KMs in under a second at night (to be at home for just ONE day) and then actually going through with the idea wasn't insane enough, coming home after doing 150 KMs and blogging about it the first thing definitely is.

I wonder what happened to my room mate.

What's with the media anyway?

Finally the world cup is here, its underway, its better than ever and people are busy talking about anything but!



Vuvuzella my ass!! (Not literally.)

Breaking news

I seem to be able to access blogger from office :D

I hope this ain't temporary. I may not be able to write lengthy stories from here..but atleast I will be able to approve the comments and stuff in real time. Don't like waiting all weekend for that.

Had a long weekend, with cousin getting married (To a guy who seems to wear lipstick) and all. Couldn't go back home. And this pleasant little surprise when I got back today. Was on leave this Monday.


Ok, lemme get back to the world of zombies now. They are all scratching their nails against the glass while drooling on it. I'll go throw them a chicken or something.
Bye

Crushed Ice

It was a really long time ago that I wondered how insane it would be to list all my crushes and the stories related. It's not a long list, but it would definitely be a long post. And of late, most of you hate my long posts (along with my short, medium and medium-short posts). So I decided to not go ahead with trying out that idea. But I will talk about some significant incidents. For example...

My First Crush

She was this girl in my class, who used to come on my school bus. I had never had an actual crush before, and this one really confused me. Having been brought up with a lot of boys AND girls, I never saw much of a difference between both. All that changed one fateful day when she walked past the window beside which I was seated inside the bus, with those earrings.

Yes, it was those earrings that did the trick, sorry if you were expecting something more romantic like long shining hair, or hips that swayed side to side like a plantain leaf in the warm afternoon wind, or a voice so sweet that you needed three shots of insulin to digest her "hello", but I'm not much of a romantic writer.

Back to the crush. She appeared in my dreams that night. I don't really remember seeing her face at all. Just her earrings and her voice, the way I imagined it - hoarse and loud, but lovable. I still remember the dream, it was just as weird as those earrings(Come to think of it, the earrings were not that weird).

Before we continue with the story, I must tell you that she belongs to one of those ultra decent categories. Won't see a boy, won't hear a boy, won't.. Because boys are EVIL!! Well, now she is a bit more relaxed now though.

I thought about her and that dream for the next five days during class, at home, on the football field. Everywhere. Yes. That was my first real crush. She broke the ice, so I guess she will be a legend some day (She better be)

How I got over her

You know how people say that the first crush is really special and you have a weakness for her and all? Well, not really.

This thinking and day dreaming lasted for five days. After that, the school closed for the Dasara vacations and when we came back, I didn't remember anything no more. Only when I finally became friends with her 8 years later, that I suddenly remembered everything and haven't forgotten ever since. I found it very funny how I had forgotten about it. Since I was cool about it, I told her how I had a 5 day crush on her once and Good Lord she totally freaked out and ran amock all around town for the next one month.

" Ahh...that monster said he has a crush on me. Now I have lost all my purity. My squeaky clean image..its destroyed. Nobody will marry me. Why GOD WHY? WHY ME??? "



The Grand Finale (Last crush)

Zooming past all the other mediocre crushes, I bring you to the very last crush, which happened quite a years ago despite being my last. Well, she was this immigrant from Antarctica, she ruled a kingdom there (Queen of ice). She didn't say so, but she was so cold that we could take a guess.

Another good guess could have been that she was a robot from the future/alien planet.

"Feelings? What are these feelings you speak about? Are they the paper things you hang in the toilet? Where I come from, they call them tissue paper."

Thank GOD I never gave her a rose. If I ever did, she would look at it with absolute curiosity for the next ten minutes, the would have bitten off the top, crunched it like a Cadburies 5 star and then spit it in my face complaining that I gave her something that wasn't sweet/juicy enough.

Seriously, at 2 feet 7 inches and 14 microns tall, she was so full of herself, that you could bet your cojones off that when she is finally six feet under, she would turn into a manure mine if you know what I mean.

Brain Versus Heart - How I got over her

You know how all the negative traits of a person vanishes when you have a crush on her? It was the same with me. I never saw how she was close to a star wars character than a normal one as long as I was totally hammered over her. All that changed one fateful afternoon when we met right after lunch.

She might have been a messy eater all along and I never noticed it, until then, or maybe that particular day she had been really messy. Clearly, she had some stuff on her cheek. (To put it in a nutshell. Because the detailed truth might make it gross. Plus I have a weak stomach for such things myself.). So as one last favour to my last crush, I told her to wipe her slimy face, when nobody was looking. And now that I had seen that..I had seen it all.

I mean clearly, I did not want a girlfriend with whom I could guess what she had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last three days. No sir.

Score one for the brain. Brain 4 - Heart 0.

Good thing she doesn't read my blog. Or she might fry my ass with a plasma ray gun or a laser bazooka that is likely to be hidden in her bionic arm.


Somewhere in between - my 2nd or 3rd crush..no 2nd..no wait 3rd.

Explaining only my first and last crushes did seem like selling a used shoe for couple a thou. So here is a freebie in the pack.

I dunno which number she comes into. Oh wait...she was the 2nd. Or so I think. Anyway, she was this childhood friend. She had shown that she had a hint of liking to me and for a lot of years that made me uncomfortable. But after I got over my crush of Britney Spears, I started looking at my real life options.

By the way, yes, I am not including Britney Spears in the list. Its just way too lame when people put celebrities on the their list of crushes.

"Hey, who was your first crush?"

"No, its a secret"

"Hey please tell me" (Say its me! Because you were mine)

"No..but I had only like three"

"Cmon, please tell me" (Oh wow, my chances have gone up, but who the hell are the other two losers?)

"Ok. Aamir Khan, Richard Gere and George Clooney"

"Oh so nice" (Bitch!)

Never happened to me but I have seen guys complain about this a lot. So I didn't put celebs on my list. I didn't want to be a bitch.

Sorry about the off topic, so lets get back to talking about my 2nd. So she was this only girl I was close to at that point in time. Eventually I ended up with a teeny tiny crush on her.

How I got over her

Sad story. True story (All of the stories on my blog b.t.w). One fine day she had asked me to meet her when she was visiting my college. I had never made a move on her and had never planned to. Well that's me. But I was meeting her after a really long time. We had just kept in touch over the net and the phone, busy with our own lives. So we finally meet and I get a close up of her and find that she had really brown teeth. Good God!

Score one for brain. Brain 2 - Heart 0


I know. I know. I am a jerk!

(And just so you know, I won't be revealing/confirming the names of any of these chicks online or offline, at any cost. Thank you)

I am the kind of guy who gives the rest a bad name. But give it a thought..imagine me saying

"I like my girlfriend's teeth like I like my coffee...BROWN!"

Thank you brain. All of you are free to go ahead and call me a douche, but believe you me. If it wasn't for my brain and its quick reflexes, I wouldn't be as awesome as I was today and I wouldn't have written a single story on my blog.

And if you must know about my celebrity crushes, they were Catherine Zeta Jones, Britney Spears, Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra and maybe lately Katrina Kaif. In that order.

I know that I am a guy who is single by choice. By second choice. But given a choice, I would still opt to wait for the perfect girl. One who doesn't feel I tarnished her squeaky image by being with her, or has a "Guess what I had for lunch" face, or has a...oh well, you get the picture. Or maybe, I will turn into the crazy snake guy.


Perfect girl...are you there?

Confusions, Confusions Go away

Too bad. Too bad. There were people around me confused about stuff, now they are all so clear about their future, about what they want. And here I am, almost 24, still not clear about where I am going, why I am going.

Life changing steps freak me out. I have never planned anything. Things always just seem to work out. But what if I run out of luck?

You get the drift. I can't be like this forever. I don't want to know my future, I like being surprised, but I want a little more clarity on the decisions I am gonna be taking.

Please God Please, tell me whether I should buy a DVD writer or wait for a Blue-Ray reader?

Send me a sign. (Or maybe money to buy both).

The Crazy snake guy

You know you are gonna die alone in the basement of your house at a pretty old age (and then nobody will notice your dead) when you start seeing only two comments waiting to be published on your new post after you login to your blogger dashboard after a week.

Lets just for a while, screw that I don't care policy and seriously think of how a person gets used to seeing 8-12 comments waiting to be published the very next day of writing a new story. How your world has gone from being ignored without purpose, to being ignored on purpose, out of jealousy that he is now the all la-di-da writer in our midst. What can he write that I can't. And you can sense that vibe of well confined appreciation. You know you have secretly motivated bloggers here, there and everywhere. You get one hundred unique hits a day. Forty percent of those bookmarked visits coming from outside your country. You are finally, really the king of your world.


And then, life happens. It doesn't wait around for you to wonder if you have a choice between being a mostly-secretly appreciated writer but not good enough to so much as buy your own pen and going with the flow. Anyway, there is no choice. You can go with the flow and hope that both can be juggled, or just wait for another miracle. And then you start wondering if you are making it all a big deal? It was good while it lasted, and eventually you will run out of things to say. Nobody will realise your aren't there. Remember, only dead things go with the flow, and so did I. I had never cared and will never.

But you just know, that every time you see only two comments (From nice people because..well they are nice and has nothing to do with my blog) waiting not so eagerly for my approval, that you are dying alone after maybe spending the last twenty years rearing cats or lizards or some other strange animal you hate right now and doesn't give a crap about your blog, so that you can scare little children with it. When that happens, please give away my pets to the zoo.

All of a sudden, things change. You see a new follower. You have no idea why you care, but you are now not so sure about the you-are-dying-alone theory. I will probably die with that guy? Eww I certainly hope not. Will look like a gay couple committed suicide because they were ashamed to come clean (No pun intended) about their relationship. And if it is a girl, its like getting two followers at once. So with that new follower, life is all rosy. Rosier than the cheapest Golconda wine stain. So you immediately get on and start typing that story you were thinking about in the bus, until you realise, that the new follower is not aware of the commenting "facilities" either. So its back to watching the hit meter get just 2 unique hits on a lucky day. (Isn't it ironical that I am talking about YOU, yes YOU my dear reader and just one other person.)

You type out a joke about the facts of your life and the only comment you get is like "Oh that was bad", I almost pull my scalp out while tugging at my hair shouting "IT DID NOT REALLY HAPPEN, ITS A JOKE" but you realise, they can't hear you. And there is no way to make my point any more either.

Seriously, make sure you give away my pets to the zoo (they probably won't bite).

Looking for a house again

I'm so fcukin tired of looking for a house. All the guys who got posting in the same city along with me are now looking for a house with me. And come Monday I have to start looking for a house again. Can't I throw me feet up for a while? I had enough house searching only recently back in hometown. My family shifted only weeks ago. And I didn't even get to unpack.

Come ON!

Maybe I must consider a career in Real Estate. "Oh you will just love this house, the window opens to a view of two cows and many many flies and you know what? You can wake everyday to the smell of that dung..just like the good old country side. You will wonder if you are really living in a metro. And here is a bonus package, you get to fist fight with the civilized neighbours everyday for different reasons, turning you into a real man."

I'm sure I have it in me.

Yeah..we looked into two houses so far..both were rubbish. I wish I was just rich enough to live alone. I didn't have to worry about walking into the house after work to a bunch of room-mates watching porn(Seriously, I don't get the point or kicks in watching someone else do it, call me what you want) with so much intensity that if they had focussed so much on work or studies, they would be my landlord rather than my room-mates. Or someone playing Akon or Malayalam movie songs at full volume at the middle of the night.

I'm not complaining...I have just always been this private guy when it comes to my personal space. All this room-mates thing feels so invaded upon.

I can only hope that this week that I get at least, AT LEAST a good house for a good price, in a good locality(Without cows and flies), I don't mind being without a bit of personal space for a while now.

The week that wows

Ok. Here is my week in a nutshell.

* Got the big news, I'm not gonna be posted away, I'm STAYING RIGHT HERE! I'm so relieved.


* Rode at 120+ on India's second longest bridge.

* Got to see the Satyam campus and its WICKED!! Seriously..its way better than infy or whatever campus I have seen so far in real or on TV/news. It beats most of the college campuses too. The architecture (is above average, if not best), the trees, and oh the BIG tree..the banyan. Just awesome. Its so much put into an average amount of area. Sad that the organisation had a bumpy time in the recent past.

* Appeared for a cricket team selection just for the hell of it, bowled a bit and got selected.

* Bought myself a Beautiful Betta (Fighter Fish). He is a curious little devil.

* Was told I will be put into a dev role when everyone around is getting testing.

* And my cabin... (HEAVA-A-A-A-NNN!).
Its at the corner, got a big window in front of me. Even though most cabins have 4 people sharing it, because of the location of this one, it has a BIG (And I mean Big!!) pillar right behind me, which makes it a one person cabin. Nobody would know if I did the Manipuri tribal dance in it.

* Got a very important letter.

* I finally decided to completely quit coffee (Outside home - Hey! Terms & Conditions always apply dude). And I went the entire 123 hours without coffee. Had a big bucket of coffee when I got back home though. Twice.
So as long as I'm outta town, my famous "Thank you God for Chocolate, Cricket and Coffee" becomes "Thank you God for Chocolate, Cricket and Katrina Kaif"

* And no, I didn't visit that Plastic surgeon

Christ kill me now..

One fine day at the cafe-

Chick: Hey Ice, I wanna help you get a girlfriend.


Me(Shocked and confused): Why?

Chick: Cause ya Gosta Gosta Get one..and I'm pretty good at this, believe you me.

Me(Now feeling a bit pumped up): Umm...alright...you gotta be open minded right? Why not.

Chick: Ok. Now first of all, I know this great plastic surgeon in Bangalore....

Not in this life...or next

The news is that on Monday I will get the big decision. The decision that will tell where I am headed.

A little birdie told me I will be posted out of the state and it will be the

END OF AN ERA!

The guy/gal/it who posts me outta state is a   %&($()   #&%(*   .!..

I am never going to the location down south, especially. Believe you me. I will stop the bus on the state border and hang myself on a tree instead. Maybe, I will hop across the border to piss on them and back before I hang myself.

I will probably post an update about it on my twitter, unless of course I'm fuming enough to make hell shit in its pants, which is likely the case, so don't wait for it.

Dear Andrew Fcuking Hughes

I heard you damaged your brain when you sat down hard last week. That's pretty sad, especially because nobody will be able to tell the difference.

I read your last piece (of shit). I am sure that this is the closest you will get to T20...ever.

Anyway, I really suggest you take an aspirin and lie down. Otherwise all that excitement you got from writing your stupid ass article might give you a heart attack. Or even better, you might smudge your vision if you end up peeing in your old age diapers.


Not yours,

Ice.

Weekends...!

I'm gradually beginning to dread weekends. They have become the busiest days of my week.

Once called Mr.24x7 Online...I hardly spend 20 minutes online now.

Anyway, I just got home. On my way here in the bus, I had a guy with a fat ass sitting next to me and I hardly had any space to sit. I heaved a sign of relief when fat ass got off mid-way and a woman with a fatter ass sat next to me(almost on me) and squeezed me half to hell by pushing my poor straw-like body against the body of the bus.

I have been missing blogging. You still remember the 'Save our bloggers' campaign right? Only 1411 real bloggers left. Do your bit to save us. Or should I upload a cute picture of me sleeping? (Yes cute, I'm good at Photoshop)

I need a break. I think I'll go to sleep.