The Daily Hypocrite #4 - Crickit Bits

The fourth instalment of The Daily Hypocrite is here with news from the cricketing world and this time with back-links to the original articles so that people who haven't been following some of the news mentioned here, will have an idea about what is actually being spoken.



Harbhajan Singh down with Diarrhoea in West IndiesHarbhajan Singh fractured his pinky finger while he tripped and fell down due to a sudden attack of Explosive Diarrhoea during a practise session. Meanwhile, crickets, board official, ex-cricketers and journalists all over the world have blamed the incident on BCCI refusing to allow UDRS during the series.
"If only BCCI had decided to go with the UDRS, Harbhajan wouldn't have suffered from explosive Diarrhoea" wrote one journalist.
We wonder how many more players have to suffer from how many types of loose motion sicknesses before the BCCI will learn its lesson?


Indian players cheated
Every single cricketer on the Indian World cup winning squad, except Sachin himself, had claimed way before the world cup that they want to win the world cup only for Sachin and Sachin only and not the cup itself.

However, its been a little over three months since the squad won the world cup and they players are protesting that the BCCI are yet to hand over Sachin to them as the reward to take home with. Poor souls. We wonder who gets to keep him though.


Darryl Harper quits International Cricket
News broke out like wildfire recently that Darryl Harper had quit international cricket recently by stepping down from what should have been his last international match, the farewell match. Now, the name does ring a bell, I seem to have heard it somewhere, but I have no idea who the guy is, or which team he played for. I hope he got a fifty at least in his last innings.

Wait, is he Charlie Harper's brother from another mother?


Martin Crowe retires, again. This time *forcefully*
Martin Crowe, cousin to Russel Crowe, surprised a lot of people by announcing that he is going to return to first-class cricket at his ripe old age. But before he could grind his dentures and put up that nitty gritty look to face his first ball, with a not so steady pair of hands, he was not even allowed to step onto the field.

The reason: Abdomen gaurds are compulsory in this neck of the woods where he was to open for and he just couldn't wear it over the adult diaper. Ohhh CRAP!



Dhoni defends decision over not playing Ishanth.
Captain 'Midas' Touch of the Indian (I don't want to shake hands with the person who gave him that name) surprised a lot of people by not bowling Ishanth when England were taking the game away from India and evetually the 2000th test. He said "I was saving his energy so that he could come out and score a triple century while chasing. We had a huge total to follow. But rain spoilt all my plans."
Uhhh...?? We wanted to know how the rain spoilt his plans when it didn't rain after the first innings, but we clearly didn't want to match wit-to-wit with Captain As-Luck-Would-Have-it.





The new support staff
BCCI or as some people like to call it The "Board of Overkill it and then kill it some more" have named their new support staff for the Indian team.

Coach
Team manager
Opening batsmen coach
Middle order coach
Tail-ender coach
Pace bowling coach
Spin bowling coach
Part-time bowling coach
Fielding coach
Slips coach
Keeping coach
Extra cover coach
Deep mid-wicket coach
Third man cum Fine leg coach (for Munaf) (One coach multi-tasking as a result of cost-cutting)
Water boy coach

PsychoTheRapist
Physio

BCCI said that they hoped that the 16 man support staff will be sufficient to groom 11 players to take the field for the upcoming series.

Boy, we don't know, if you ask me I think we will be missing the run-out coach in the England tour!



Broad loses 50% of his pay-check
Stuart Broad was fined on July 3rd for showing Dissent at the match umpire Billy Bowden. Now we don't know what exactly happened out there, but it might have been something like this.

Stuart Broad: Howwzat?
Billy Bowden: No Ball!
Stuart Broad: That's not what your mom said last night.
Billy Bowden: Oh Fine! 
Stuart Broad: That's what SHE said!



--
Sarcasmacus




Previous posts as "The daily Hypocrite":
June - Celebrity news
May - The single Bangalore girl
April - Metrocity

No dumbass it ain't really sexual discrimination

Remember this pic that ran around on line sometime back?

I think people are grossly mistaken. The phenomenon of uneven reactions between girls and boys is not really sexual discrimination, but actually the way God has actually made us.Though both are constantly under a rose-painted illusion, they are very different illusions.

Let me demonstrate with the example of three attention whores (and I mean that in the most unoffensive way) - Guy, Girl 1 and Girl 2. [And if you are expecting me to narrate a love triangle, you are watching way too many hindi movies.]


Scene 1

Girl 1: Ooh la la...I'm femme fatale. I GOTTA upload this photo.

*Uploads photo*

Girl 2: OMG! She looks like a whore. What has she added like 200 kilos? But let me ego massage her, I need her to like MY pic later.

*Like*

*Girl 2 comments - Super like darling! Looking gorgeous. Luv you loads...muah muah :* :* *
*Girl 1 comments- Love you too sweet heart. Miss you hun. muah muah :* :* *

Guy (stalking in the sidelines): Huh! Fuckin lesbos!!



Horny guy (raps): Oh new picture by my crush #23. If I like her pic, she might totally fall for me.

*like*


*Horny guy comments - Hey, beautiful pic :) ♥♥♥  *
*Girl 1: Hey! Thank you sooo much*


Horny guy: Oh I'm good at this. I've got her hook, line and sinker!


Within 10 minutes 14 Girl 2 replicas and 17 Horny guy replicas have liked Girl 1's new pic.


Girl 1: I am THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL EVER!!!!!!!





10 minutes later, Girl 1 likes Girl 2's newly uploaded pic and process starts from the beginning.




--

 Scene 2

Guy: I look so sexy in this photo. Let me upload it.


*Uploads photo*

Girl 2: Hmmm, that's an okay looking photo. But I don't think I should like it, he will think I am too easy.


Girl 1: Hey that's a nice photo, let me like it.

*like*

Guy: SHE LOVES ME!!!!

Five years later, guy has ruined his life in pursuit of Girl 1 and has now taken up drinking cheap local rum bought from stolen money.



--

Gyan:

So you see guys, we think with our dicks. One of the reasons why the ugliest girls in my account gets 20 likes minimum on her profile pic while the most handsome guys get a maximum of 5. Next time you see that happening, don't cry out that it's discrimination. Its all for your own good. Its saving you from turning into a drunk!

That reminds me, I have to change my picture! Kav is in the frame and she is attracting way too many guys and I don't swing both ways.

Count to ten..then start over

I am gonna make a rule..                                                                                                                                                          

Rule: Don't send messages, mails, comments, replies or write a blog when I am pissed.

I also followed the rule today. *Pats self on back*

Test fail!

Absolutely shocked by the decision to draw the third test by India in the Caribbean. The number one test team in the world. They had to prove a point to their detractors that they deserved the place. They had to prove a point to England before their upcoming tour to the country, after all it was the English team that said they are the real number one.

Shameful. Very shameful. From a side which had 7 wickets in hand that included some WC winning players. Seems like test cricket is back to the dark ages of the drawn matches.

F************K

The Daily Hypocrite #3 - Celebrity News

Ok so The Daily Hypocrite is back with our monthly. This time with some spice from the celebrity world.
                                                                           
                                                                      
                                                                  


Aarakshan production scrapped
There have been reports that the production of  Amitabh Bachchan's Aarakshan had been scrapped but actually the protagonist role is split and altered to two roles for the ramped up version.

The new version will have two female lead roles played by Mallika Sherawat and Jacqueline Fernandez (Because it's hard to find Indian women these days who are ready to play the anything-for-a-big-pay-check kinda roles) and so Aarakshan has now been renamed as "Erection".

I don't mean to boast, but come on, we all knew that sooner or later this change was gonna come up? Badoing!





Shah Rukh Sneezed
Now this may look like an article that was paid to be published by SRK himself but I swear on my left nut

(while sitting in my brand new Ferrari) that this not true and we at The Daily Hypocrite thought it was important enough to ruin your fine morning.

However, coming back to the news doing rounds, SRK sneezed while sitting on his commode today morning, it helped him finish up in just 2.5 seconds. A record in Bollywood. This proves hands down that he is the number one Khan in the industry and especially miles ahead of Salmaan Khan who is a wuss.

 Ra.One Rocks!! Death to all Salmaan fans.








Say no to 'Bollywood'
The angry young man of Hindi Cinema (by angry we mean old and by young we mean sick) Mr.Bachchan reckons that the Hindi film industry should not be referred to as 'Bollywood' since it was a mock name given to the industry after the then much established Hollywood.

So in other words he is saying that the industry is so old...it's losing wood! No pun intended.








Aamir gets busy
Aamir Khan is said to have gotten very busy these days. He spends a lot of time in a tiny dark room at his home. Kiran says he goes in there in the morning after breakfast and comes out only for dinner. We tried to catch up with him, but we got no response. After a lot of persistence, we got his publicist on the phone who said "He is busy cooking up a way to create a massive controversy for the eve of his release of Zakhmi which is due in 2012"

Finally it all made sense. I wonder why we didn't think of that.

"So far he has zeroed in on insulting some of the public figures or naming his pet donkey (from Dobhi Ghaat) after Akshay Kumar or Mr Silent Singh. Suggestions are welcome. Anybody whose suggestion is chosen gets to watch the screening of Zakhmi for free with his donkey."

That man Aamir is such a method actor. We love him. *sniff*








Arnie appears on Jerry Springer

Ahh so this is how it all happened. This secret episode airs next week, but this is how he broke the news.

*Jerry* *Jerry* *Jerry*
Jerry: Hello everyone welcome to today's show. Today we have here with us the Ex Guv of Calif, Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Crowd goes wild.


Arnie: Hi Jerry! Good to be here.


Jerry: Good to know that, so why are you here Arnie? What's going on?


*Crowd goes wild for no reason* ... *Then they suddenly become quiet when they realise Jerry hasn't cracked a joke yet*


Arnie: I've been cheating on my wife Maria, Jerry and I think I should come out to her.


Jerry (With a pretty good imitation): Come on do it.


* Out comes Maria *


Maria: What do you mean you are cheating on me?

Arnie: I have also fathered a son with her.


Maria: After all I did for you.


Arnie: Oh come on, I work hard all day, you just lie there! And these people are never gonna let me run for president anyway.


Maria: You never take care of the kids.


Arnie: The sex is not good.


Maria: How could you do this to our children?


Arnie: Give me another chance?


*Jerry interrupts *


Jerry: Whoa, not so fast, we won't have enough content for the show. So who did you cheat with?


Arnie: Oh this Mexican Hippo who used to clean my place.


Jerry: Whats her name?


Arnie: Lets just call her Baby Mama.


Jerry: Ok, lets meet Baby Mama, here she is.


* Crowd goes wild again*


Big Biiiiig woman walks in -Maria attacks Baby Mama - lots of hair pulling - dress pulling - wardrobe malfunctions - Arnie standing in the corner smoking a cigar - And Jerry intervenes...


Jerry: So, Baby Mama, you used to clean his place correct?

Baby Mama: Oh I cleaned more than that.


*Crowd goes wild*


Jerry: Fine, so do you love Arnie?


Baby Mama: Of course I do.


Arnie: But I don't love you. I love Maria.


Maria: But I don't love you.


Jerry: So you love him, and you love her, and she is pissed as hell? Your marriage has just been Terminated, you all go home alone. We will be right back ladies and Gentlemen.

-

Arnie Trivia for the readers..

Q) If Arnie was screwing around with a  black chick and fathered a son with her...?
A) ...the son would be called SchwarzeNIGGA!



--
Sarasmacus

When is the party happening?

Savings...                                                                                                               
                                                                                                

The most logical of decisions when you want to buy something so badly but can't make up your mind whether you want it or need it. Should you go splashing your hard earned money? Is life really worth it only when spent living for someone else?

Will there ever be one of those days when you don't have to compromise? Where you can take a little wild step to the left and another wilder step to the right and get off course on purpose?

Life can be such a bitch sometimes. Along with the big, really important things, it makes you wait for a long time for the simple things that you wanted all the while. Then it gives it to you for a while or makes you think you have it and then suddenly takes it all away. Its like having a really really good dream, but to be woken up by a room-mate to find out you are back in the real world in the middle of the rat race all over again.

Who is it 'saving' anyway?

It is the one reason why we always compromise most of our desires, in hope of a better, stable tomorrow and unfortunately, tomorrow never dies and it never comes.

Just HIT!

* Working the weekend

* Not going home when I want to unwind the most.

* Ass-kissers at work taking all the credit to my work.


* Laptop having one new problem to the already growing list every week. And its my sole source of entertainment lately.

* People really getting on my nerves with the "You did wrong!"s.

* And I am venting my anger by picking up fights with foul-mouthed guys at the toll booth and the loser who lost my favourite pen.

I can turn green and swell any moment and turn into the Hulk.

I need to chill. Iceman...just HIT!



Hang-In-There. This too shall pass.

None the Visor

I tripped while climbing the stairs on my way upto my house last Thursday, fell and broke the visor of my helmet. Was wondering if this 'little' incident was gonna haunt me for a few days to come, like it always does with me, because The universe seems to be ever so busy in cooking up innovative ways to give me headaches through seemingly irrelevant problems.

But as always I decided to not to let this incident bother me too much, that I would get it replaced as soon as possible once I returned home for the weekend. And again as always, I was busy during the first part of the Saturday and couldn't get it fixed.

Again, I decided to ignore the split visor, I mean how hard can it be? What can it possibly do?

Night ride to the betta
It started falling down on to the front every 2 seconds. And since its a dark visor, I had trouble watching the road as soon as it fell down. It once fell when I was overtaking a car and it was a total blackout there. All I could see was a little red tail lamp thankfully, so I managed to move back into the line behind it. After that I realized that I should drive slowly and carefully. Better safe than sorry.

Morning ride to work
My hometown and work-town are three hours apart. Under bright sunny day, there shouldn't be a problem with the visor. Or that's what I thought. Since the visor is split in half and the bolts are holding em on the helmet separately, they kinda dangle a little further down than usual. This creates a gap/opening at the top. So there is a ribbon of sunlight that gets through the helmet onto my face.

I told myself, 'See? A little sunlight, that's good. See the positive side.' and I rode for the next three hours humming my favourite songs starting with 'Nothing else matters - Metallica'.

After I reached office and was making my way upto my floor and to my cubicle, every single person, starting with the security guard to the colleagues seemed to wanna take a second look at me. I thought that it was either because of the ruffled hair which is usual after the ride or maybe I was looking very cute today ( Hey, you can never lose hope man!).

When I reached the rest room and looked in the mirror, I finally realized the 3 hours of sunlight had created a peculiar tan on my face starting from my right temple, over my eyes, ending at my left temple, making me look like frikkin' raccoon!

Damn you Universe!

One of the architects even christened me 'Robin hood'.







I officially declare war on The universe, thus giving rise to the term 'Starting a losing battle'.

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore Girl

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore (Bengaluru) Girl

                                                                                                                                                               
'Extinct' species rediscovered:

Bengaluru: Researchers Calvin McNutty and Eddie Hearsvoices, have claimed to have found a rare specimen of a 24-year-old-single-Bengaluru girl recently, while combing through the thick concrete jungles of Bengaluru. The news may come as a pleasant surprise to the thousands of single boys who will drool themselves dry at the prospects. Though, the scientific community had initially been vary and even critical since they doubt the duo's creds.

The search for the species which was funded by The National Geographic, was carried out by the two researchers who are infamous for their claim of finding a live woolly mammoth 5 years ago in Siberia which was found to be just a normal runaway circus elephant with a warm rug on top of it.

Earlier as soon as the news broke out, the entire scientific community had ganged up on McNutty and Hearsvoices, accusing them of giving the whole world a false hope and asked everyone not to get their expectations up. They said, there is no such thing as a 24 year old-single-bengaluru girl, or aliens or Santa Claus and there never will be. They also said that these two researchers were mentally deranged and were on the quest for quick and easy fame.

However, looks like McNutty and Hearsvoices have finally struck gold this time. The girl who is now in a containment facility in the outskirts of Bengaluru was shown by TV cameras to be confirming that she is single. She was shouting "What is this? Why are you doing this to me? Let me out? You can't do this just because I'm single".

McNutty explained how they captured the specimen - "Well, we had our eyes on her for quite a while. She was a regular at the mall. We studied her for a few days. She was attractive but we never saw her with a guy. She could have been a lesbian, but we had to take our chances with her and it paid off in the end. We setup a trap at the coffee shop and waited with a tranquillizer gun. The moment she sat down, I shot her with a strong doze while Hearsvoices ran towards her with a big net. She ran around the shopping mall for about two minutes gradually slowing down at the fourth floor. We had some of the local men to help us with her, because she wasn't going down without a fight."

Dr.Hearsvoices explains the importance of the find - " Yeah, it is a very important discovery. The biggest of my life. I was in tears when we confirmed she was the real specimen. I would like to thank God, my wife, kids and family for standing by me all this while."

He goes on to explain the importance of the find TO THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY - "Oh yeah, this means a lot to the scientific community too, because there is so much we don't know about The 24-yr-old-single-bengaluru girl. Until now, this was just thought to be part of mythology, you know, like the Kraken. Basically we are on the hunt for the gene that can make these girls wait for the right man."

The results of her eye tests and ear tests came out normal, so the theory that she clearly can't hear or see a man around her is ruled out.

"We have collected Blood samples, DNA samples, skin tissue, urine and stool samples" adds McNutty. "We also subjected her to some psychological tests. Turns out she has absolutely NO daddy issues, which could explain a lot about her condition."

When we asked what they planned to do with her Dr.Hearsvoices revealed "Well, basically we are gonna tag her with a radio collar and let her back into the wild."

Initially there were plans of keeping her in the research facility for a longer time and attempt captive breeding so that the species could be kept alive but it was later decided that since the captive breeding programmes are not very successful, she should be let back into the wild.

"This is a very exciting discovery." said Professor Bangsnone, who was not part of the study. "This girl here will unlock a lot of questions about the stone age and how it must have been then."

Though The Daily hypocrite wonders what kind of damage this capture could have done to possibly the only remaining 24-yr-old-single-Bengaluru-girl in the world when we caught up with the girl who appeared very scared and shaken up. This what she had to say to us "I will never be single again. I have learnt my lesson. As soon as I get out of here, I am going to the nearest bar."

The findings are going to be published in a paper in the famous journal - "Science" , in the next edition. You can also  catch the whole action in the Nat Geo Documentary "24 yr old Single Bengaluru girl - Fact or Fiction?" which airs sometime in August. We wish Mr.McNutty and Dr.Hearsvoices all the best for their research.

--
Sarcasmacus

The Ten commandments for every Indian going abroad

With apologies to people who feel they have been doing this and thus feel very offended, hurt, blah blah...
                                                                                                                                                   

The Ten commandments

1) Thou shall update your on line status to "Homesick :(" minutes after landing.











2) Thou shall finally upload a decent picture of yourself, taken abroad.

3) Thou shall attempt to get laid.

4) Thou shall bombard us with updates of every monument you visited abroad, even if you couldn't care less about Indian history and its historical places.

5) Thou shall immediately move people from 'friends' list to the 'acquaintance' list.

6) Thou shall not reply to pings from 'those Indians'.

7) Thou shall post jokes/comments specific to a small group of people.

8) Thou shall talk about how deep you are and how things have changed inside you or remained the same.

9) Thou shall make it a point to repeatedly tell us about how patriotic you are and how you want to do 'something' for your country!

And finally instead of focussing on your studies/job..

10) Thou shall be frustrated to the point of suicide when you find out, that the world doesn't-really-care!!

The downside of 'Brutally Honest'

Apart from the obvious downsides of being brutally honest like unintentionally hurting the subject, or being hated to the core of their bones and also of being accused of enjoying the brutality more than the honesty itself, I encountered just one more of them a few months ago..
                                                                                                   
It is the fact that people are just waiting with bated breath for you to make ONE-TEENSIE-WEENSIE mistake and they all come like six-ton rugby players and jump on your ass and squish you like a rat. Then they rip off your soul with their teeth like cooked meat, then they swallow it, then they digest it and then they fart it out with no remorse!

It so happens that one of my friends bought me this really neat shirt for my B'day, last year, that says "I'm cute but psycho"

Yeah Right!!

And after a lot of thought I figured, since its a gift, I will HAVE TO wear it at least once. Especially to a place where you have new friends, since that is where me and my immaculate sense of honesty and sarcasm would have inflicted least damage - My office. Turns out it was a bad idea. Seems like I need less than a few days to "spread the joy". Here are the three things I had to hear the whole day..

They gave a loooong look at the shirt and said:

* "Haha...yes you are a psycho" (This was from the nicer guys and gals.)

* "What were you thinking when you bought that?"  (Some of them)

* "No...you are not cute" (Rest of them)


Unfortunately, they didn't even come close to being as cool as me when they are delivering 'Brutally honest'. If someone had an ugly-ass face and if I were to catch that someone wearing that shirt here is what I would say:

* "Haha cute? Then I'm Pippa Middleton"

* "I'm sorry...you lost me at cute"


* "What did the shopkeeper say when he saw you pick this shirt?"

* "I agree with your shirt, it IS kinda cute."

*
Me:  "Hey you are not just cute, you are God Damn Haawt and sizzling sexy. Your booty shivers me timbers"
UglyAssFace: "Haha..come on, are you kidding?"
Me: "Yes, but you started it."

LOSERS! They get one chance and they mess it up. Shut up, sit tight and let the pros do their thing! These guys need a role model.

Happy Bday Miss One hundred

                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                             

Ok so there is this entire ceremony that is supposed to be done when we have the 100th follower but I had decided against it, because no matter what I do, it seems to be held as boasting.

I do remember when the feature came out, I requested, pleaded and threatened my friends to hit it and raced to something like 8-10. Its taken quite a while to get to 3 figures. I guess I ain't such a good blogger after all Or maybe you have to be a nice guy? ;)


However, Mish, who had turned into my 100th follower yesterday also happens to be having her Bday today. So all the more reason eh? Though she did hit the button without so much as reading the headline of the latest post, which doesn't seem to serve its purpose. Anyway...

Happy B'day Mish have a great year ahead and thnx for the follow to you and the 99 others. You all rock!
Now please don't click un-follow just to piss me off guys :D

And do read the last post! The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity A few reactions won't hurt.

The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity

Introducing the all new The Daily Hypocrite, your soon-to-be favourite newsletter on EVERYTHING, carrying in-depth articles by our energetic and enthusiastic journalist - Sarcasmacus. We "await" your "feedback" with "fingers crossed", like a 3 year old waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, but before you rush to pick up the pen, postcard and stamp, here is the first news piece.                                   
                                                                                                          
New four lane highway - Get to work early

Bengaluru: The new four lane highway from Bommanahalli Circle to Outer ring road which was under construction for the last three and a half  years by Ashok Cunning's NIICE! has now been completed and now open to public for commuting. Initially there was a lot of scepticism as to why there was a need for another road between the two points as they were already connected by a 6-lane highway, shouldered by a two lane service road, shadowed by the flyover, but Mr.Cunning pointed out that the new 1 and a half kilometer shortcut-highway will save a full 7 seconds of commuting time between Bommanahalli circle and Outer Ring road. Bengalureans were satisfied with this reasoning.

Earlier the project ran into rough waters when Mr.Gowda had started the 'Construction nillisi' (Halt construction) andolan. After waiting in vain for an eye-opening life changing speech, the press finally asked for the reason for the protests. He replied by saying 'What am I protesting?' . They say age is a very harsh mistress of the mind. Very true indeed. When the storm in the tea cup died down, NIICE! had to contend with numerous court cases.

Pammy Paanwala had filed a case citing reasons that his paan shop would be demolished and that he would be broke and the govt would have to pay a compensation running into crores to make up for the loss. After convincing him that his paan shop was only a wooden dabba that can be moved one and half kilometers to the east, the court ordered that the construction be resumed. Pammy paanwala was just one of the many cases the court had spit out of the court and onto the clean side-walks, just like his many customers.

In the melee, The Mannina Maga (Son of the soil) - Mr.Gowda returned to the limelight saying he now remembered the reason for his protests and had brought with him 7000 villagers from his home town, claiming that the highway was being built on the farmers lands that was forcefully taken away from them. When we caught up with one of the farmers who had shown up in support of the protest as to how many acres of land he had lost, all he had to say was this:
"Food?.....Where is all the food?....Are we going to get our food now or after all the shouting and pillaging?"
Anyway, the court had to convince the farmers again that there was no agricultural land in the heart of Bengaluru and that there had been some sort of a mistake.

Now that the highway has finally been completed, Bengalureans are breathing a sigh of relief that they can save 7 seconds for 5 days a week. The newspapers, including ours, are happy that they had material to write about. Mr.Gowda got his yearly fix of the limelight, he is sure to win the next elections. And Mr.Cunning is just happy that he had such a lovely gift to give to the society. All in all everybody is happy with this win-win situation.

The 1500 meter project is said to have cost 78 crores, furnishing included and about half the cost has been borne by the Govt. funding. The auditing for this funding was done by a new auditing company started by none other than, Mr.Clean AKA Suresh Kalmadi.

The other half of of the 78 crores will be raised by tolling the road for the next 20 years. The tolling rates are yet to be announced and are expected sometime next week until when the drive through will be free of cost.

As for the traffic conditions of the rest of Bengaluru, well, you are all still f*cked.
--
By Sarcasmacus
(AKA Sarcasmacuss)

Alien carcuss? Are you kiddin me?

Here is the video that went berserk on the net a few days back. You might wanna disable the annotation thingies cause they are annoying.

Let us get once thing clear, I am very interested in this Alien stuff and about search for new worlds out there. It might be easy to slip a hoax past a believer in aliens(which I am not), but is it so difficult to make out that this ain't real?

- The 'carcuss' is very real looking.
- It happened just after a UFO crash.
- Shot very close to the area with UFO sightings.

Those are the only things that add up. What doesn't add up is the fact that it was in a deserted place in Serbia where there were no other witnesses.

Let's assume these guys wanted to be popular, but let us also assume they are telling the truth, that there WAS a real dead alien they found. Also assuming that they were smart, what else would they have done?
They would have shot a careful video of the alien and posted it on Youtube to gain instant fame? Check.

Then, while one guards the body, the other goes back to civilization, alerts the media asking them to witness their discoveries before the officials show up and then alert the authorities so that the discovery goes down as 'official'. Unchecked Unchecked Unchecked.


So long suckers! Better luck next time.

Sarcasmacus

"Soldier! Take off your helmet and tell me your name..."
                                                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                        
                                                                       
My name is Maximus Decimus Sarcasmacus.

Son to- a mom who thinks I should be dating like a spoilt rich teen and a dad who thinks I should be drinking like one,


Befriended by the most forgiving souls in the world, who can put with all my shit even after all these years, and never once say 'I don't even know who you are any more' no matter how many times they discover something new about me.

Master to one naughty dog, who thinks I'm the best human in the world and will love me unquestionably even if I suddenly shout in his ears to startle him when he is deep in sleep, every single day,

Owner of a hard drive that has the most awesomest collection of Music and Movies, enough to last me way beyond retirement even if I watch three good movies a day...

...and I shall continue to have my kick ass life!

Happy Earth day

Now I know you guys want nothing to do with Earth day any more unless there is a perverted joke to go with it, but I'll try to wish you without a perverted joke anyway ;)

Happy Earth day!

See that wasn't so tough? Now go plant a tree...or should I say, at least for today, don't cut a tree?

Image from last blog. What would this place be without a tree?

(Earth day is not just about trees. But it is a lot about it too.)

Anyway, here are three stories to share which is related to the topic. And the third one is very very recent.


1) I don't like what the world has come to when it comes to ecology. I once lived in a house which had the landlords in the same building. Their daughter had scored good marks in science writing about how trees maintain the ecosystem, how they prevent global warming, about how they reduce the carbon foot print...and at the end of the day, she wanted all the trees inside our building cut down because it was too "shady" and "foresty" and ultimately had her way cause her folks agreed. I could understand her mum and dad being dim-witted morons, but at least she was educated with science. Guess we have to change the definition of education.

2) The last house I lived was a bigger nightmare. I had to get into loud mouthed fight with aunties who wanted the trees in my house cut. All because dry leaves would fall into their compound. And somehow it was ok for their plastic waste to fly into ours. Not withstanding the god-forbidden uncultured women, we did have the trees cut, but not until I had cursed their entire bloodline to rot in hell without a drop of water.

3) I was sitting at lunch, the day before yesterday afternoon when I saw these two people sitting at the table opposite me with a board that said 'Celebrate Earth day - Plant a tree.' and the rest of the print was kinda finer so I kept squinting to check what it was. They were a boy and a girl who seemed completely uninterested in attracting a crowd at all. If there was anything they were interested in, it was each other. They looked more like the kind who get into all this social causes and charity shit so that they can add something on their resume or tell their uncles and aunties about how good a job they are doing in their free time, or brag about it on Facebook or some nonsense like that.. They had a few pamphlets to give away and be on their way perhaps. As I kept squinting and reading the board, I could make out that they were asking for 99 bucks to plant a tree somewhere and promised to take care of it for 10 years. Suddenly they both got up and the girl went away towards the lunch counter and the boy came straight towards me. He was about 5 feet high with spikes that were crying out loud "I'm a kool dude...I swear!". I figured that he was coming to ask me if I was interested. And I was, all I had to do was go to the ATM. In fact I was wondering if I should pay for at least 3 trees, when he stopped, bent towards me and whispered in my ear

"If you stare at my girlfriend again, I will beat you up!"

I couldn't help laughing at the comedy of it all. I just giggled at him and said "Ok sir". I wonder if they would have got some sort of credit for getting some trees sponsored. Damn!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm just glad I have planted a few trees when I could. Not necessarily on Earth day. Because its legal to plant one on any day of the year you know, you just got to get your ass out and plant one. However, the last few saplings I planted seems to have withered away and the area I am in now has enough trees wherever they can be planted. But for places where they aren't, need to find a system to make it stick. Anybody got ideas?

Can I live here someday?

*Sigh :)* Looks like a place straight outta my imagination...

Somebody find me a 50x40 site on the side

Snow white and The Pimple

Pimples, aren't they annoying? Over centuries and centuries of just showing up, they seem to have perfected their timing - for showing up at the wrong place, at the wrong times. Like one of my ex-girlfriends when I was cheating on her.

The first question most people asked me after I started working was "Do you like anybody there? Anyone interesting?". The truthful answer is no, there is no one interesting here (I'm not going off-topic, please bare bear with me here). But...and there is always a big 'but' large enough to make Sir.Mix-A-lot have a fatal heart attack, there is this one cute chick, who unfortunately happens to be a couple of years senior.

Its unfortunate because we have built a pretty good rapport and I'm pretty sure that its illegal in some countries to be as cute as that. Every time she talks, I hear Chariots of fire in the background and she starts moving in slow motion.

This happened a few weeks ago when I'm sitting at someone's cubicle, thinking about how disastrous my life has become, you know with all the slavery and all when I see her rushing towards me from some hundred feet away, frantically waving her hands at me, with a million watt smile, her snow white face glowing like a Deepavali flower-pot. I looked around to see who she could be waving at with so much enthusiasm. This didn't look like a friend-to-friend smile-cum-wave at all. This was the face of a woman in love. Trust me peepal, I know one when I see one. There was nobody around and by the method of elimination, she was comin-cha-get- *drum rolls*- ME!! Yoo-hoo!

All of sudden, my life wasn't disastrous any more. Everything went from black & white to kick-ass High def. Chariots of fire started playing again. I saw her running towards me in super-slo-mo, slowly leaping through the air, her long black tress jumping around her shoulders. My pupils dilated and there were tsunamis in my heart as I shouted to myself in my mind "There IS a GOD!!".

She was only 10 feet away from me when suddenly she noticed this giant pimple on my nose, Rrrrrrrright between the eyes. The DJ playing the background track jerked his disc, making that big 'screeeech' sound and she herself let out a wild, sharp shriek in horror and skid on her high heels because she didn't like the direction she was heading to. She probably slipped and fell backwards immediately but I didn't notice it since the melon-sized pimple was blocking my vision.

The next thing I remember, she is gasping for breath with her hand on her chest, eyes so wide open that they reminded me of a slender loris. I asked her what happened, so she tried to regain composure and tried really hard to smile at me but the horror remained on her face when she said "Nothing".

"You were about to tell me something?"

"No...me?...haha...noooo?....now why would I do that?....Ok bye!"


And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the thing started to constantly hurt like hell and on top of that I had to hear these lines for the rest of the week -

Person1 - "What's that?" (With fingers pointing at my nose)
Iceman - "Christmas decoration! You like it?"

Person2 - "Hey Icema...OH DEAR LORD!!"
Iceman - "Why don't you sit down and have a glass of water? I'll come back later"


Person3 - "Hey..Oh what the hell is tha..."
Iceman - "Pimple"


Person4 - "Hey! Is that a...??"
Iceman - "Yes"


Person5 - "Hey..."
Iceman - "Its called a pimple...GET OVER IT YOU FUCKIN MORON!!"
Person5 - "Relax, I just wanted your bike keys."

So by the end of day 5, to avoid all the shrieking, gasping and fainting -
Iceman - "Make a hole people, big pimple coming through"

And how can I forget this one -
Person6 - "Oh Lord what's that on your neck...oh thank God, it's just your face!"

The horrible little thing had become such a popular figure that they even give it a name -

"The big pimp"

full with celebrity status. Talk about irony! It did everything the opposite of a pimp.


However, the story is not yet over. Turns out the cute chick had actually come to say something to me. But I'm tired of typing today, so I will talk about that one later, even though I hate committing myself to writing about something in the (near) future, so we will see how this one goes.

As for the The Pimple, I must say we Indians are truly sentimental fools. When Mr.Big Pimp, finally found his calling and vanished into oblivion, he was greatly missed at the office. I think they are secretly planning to make him the company mascot with action figures and all. I take it as a sign that I need to change companies soon. Life is back to Black & white, with scratches on film, horrible actors and no sound.

The world cup - Before the final

Like a good die hard fan, I threw a party at my place after work for both the Ind Vs Aus and the Ind Vs Pak match. It was made of the kinda stuff that gives something to look back at.


First things first, here is the absolutely hilarious photo that went viral the day after the match.

It's a marvellous piece of work. I saw pretty much half the population upload this and comment "What an angle!" "Beautiful photography", but I'm sure the rest of you with above average IQ will figure out that this has been shopped ;) But it's still shit funny eh?

We had shouted so much during and after the Aussie match the neighbours had come out and started staring at us, smoking through their ears. We were inches away from being complained about to the police.

The day before the Pak match, I was unable to sleep. I got up around 2 AM and turned on some sports channels to listen in on some discussions. I was getting pretty tense and wanted to know if there were any updates, clearly there weren't.

On the day of the toss, my tension grew when I learnt we chose to bat instead of field and also played 3 seamers on a spinners track. Turns out it worked well for us because they were trying to go after spinners. A very poor strategy from them. When Afridi was at crease I kept shouting bowl wide and stump him or even better give him a full toss, he can't hit those. Well enough, Bhajji bowled a wide, that didn't work and the next ball, he gave him a full toss which was hit high in the air. All my colleagues jumped and hugged me as I started shouting "Full toss!!!!  Full toss!!!! Full toss!!!!" even before it was caught at mid off.

Earlier in the day, the Indian batting was telecast at the cafe above my office on a giant screen and the cafe was packed with two thousand people. I picked up two empty tumblers and pulled a free table and played some good music for the entire 50 overs until my fingers became red and swollen.

After the victory, I kept wondering if the neighbours will be pissed at me again. To my surprise the whole neighbour had gone crazy. I went shouting up to the terrace only to find every other terrace in sight crowded by people. Some shouting, some bursting crackers. I started yelling at the top of my voice

"Bring on the Lankans!!  Bring-on-the-Lankans BABY!! " while doing the tapanguchi dance and out of nowhere this half naked drunk guy from the next building jumps onto my terrace and runs towards me and hugs me "Thank you man!! Thank you!! I will remember this day forever!! I love you" and I had absolutely nothing to say to him except smile helplessly. :) You can be the biggest physcho around, but even that doesn't prepare you for an emotionally-charged-half-naked drunk.


Some superstitions:
During the Aussie match
One guy forced to watch the match in the sleeping position for whole of Indian innings.
Another was forced to watch it from outside the house, through the window.
And I was asked to swear without pausing for over 15 seconds.

-- All because India lost no wickets when this combination was on.

During the Pak match
The smokers noticed that whenever someone had lit up, a Paki wicket fell. So it was decided that the smokers would take responsibility of the match on their shoulders and ensure at least one of them were lit up for the entire innings.

At home my usual superstitions revolve around me keeping my foot off the ground when the match is going on. All this is surprising because I am not a superstitious person at all, unless cricket is involved!


I'm writing this post barely moments before The Final.
Sangakkara lost the toss, but because of the noise, the coin was tossed again and he won the second time around and chose to bat, as expected. Another spin friendly track, with red soil, but no Ashwin. Nehra, hero of the semi-final has a fractured pinky. So the clown Sreesanth replaces him.

Its a small ground even by standard of the T20 era.

Either ways, we should win this one easily, despite the Lankans being in form. They haven't put up a good show in India in a loooong time. My prediction is that we should chase down whatever they set(260-280) by losing no more than 4 wickets ;)

Lets see how much of this is true in a few hours.

All the best India, bring the cup back home.