And it's a girl

India: Twitter and Facebook users from the darkest, dingiest corners of an enchanted Kalispalya, Bangalore to Mandya's Achappan Kopplu were ringing with celebratory cheers

"   And it's a gurllllllll   ^_^   " 

because somewhere in Europe, a lady and a clean-shaven under-sized gorilla man, made a baby. Again.

Sensed a disturbance in the force? It was probably the sound of incoming Whatsapp messages like "Girl Roxxxxzzz Boy Shoxxxxzz", (prepared well in advance to suit either scenario).

TDH, wondering why the hue and cry over a seemingly mediocre news from a for-the-lulz-monarchy, headed over to the UK to find out, and we ran up against the father. He explained, that he is second in line and could be first in line (if the succession is leap-frogged), to be the "monarch" of the United Kindoms and the Commonwealth realms. India is among commonwealth realms.

However, he also explained, the baby was actually a big deal, because a normal man couldn't seduce a nun doing squats in a cucumber field, while looking like this-

Take a good look India. This could be your 'King'

While we agree that those teeth could be used to put the Kola Superdeep Borehole to shame, we still got in touch with the town crier Tony Appleton for some extra sound bites. And he proved to be a joyous and loyal servant.

Hear ye hear ye

Having fully understood Kalispalya's over-the-top obsession with the Royal baby, we headed back to India chanting 'Long live the queen'.

New Firefox add-on auto-comments on anti-Modi articles, calls author paid media

Helsinki. Finnish software start-up Crowd Tech just released a new Mozilla Firefox add-on that enables users to detect any articles with an opinion against Mr.Narendra Modi and automatically generates and posts a comment against the author after calling them "paid media", while offering other customizable abuses.



The announcement took the social media circles by storm. Most people hailed the effort as timely and supportive towards the "Indian youth", but there were a few people who found it appalling. On the company's Facebook page, which got 800,000 likes within a span of an hour, a certain Ritu Roy commented "A Finnish company making something like this? C'mon guys is this what we have become?". However, within 3 minutes, her comment was bombarded with replies calling her a 'Kangressi', 'Congi' and 'educated illiterate' among other things. We tried to contact her but she has now deleted her Facebook profile.



We later got in touch with the company asking why they chose to release an add-on like this, targeted at Indian consumers when the company calls itself a Mobile Apps developer, Mr Juhani Katainen, CEO of Crowd Tech, replied "Start-ups have a tough time cutting into the market, you need investors, you need to build an image and for that you have to grab attention, we just can't waste our time having a conscience. We studied Google search trends for a while, we realised that the Indian audience was huuge. I mean Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga might have some following, but we needed some real numbers."

Click to enlarge: This development model is a success

"Once we realised we are looking at India, our only problem was choosing between supporters of Shah Rukh Khan, Salmaan Khan and Narendra Modi. Some group called 'Akkians' also showed up, but we never understood what they were talking about."



We decided to seek help of an ardent NaMo supporter who goes by his Internet alias "I hate sickiluars" , a techie in a reputed software company, to put to test this add-on which has since gained over 847k users, at the time of writing this article and has in a matter of hours climbed to the top of "Most popular" and "Top rated" sections of the Mozilla add-ons page.














"This is a work of art. It has so many features. It can detect any opinion article on any media and tt has such a huge list of abuses starting from ones like 'congi', 'sickular' etc to serious ones like 'Italian b**ch', 'Go back to f***istan you f***ing ISI spy' all vetted with asterix symbol to avoid profanity filters." says our friend with a twinkle in his eye. "It also seems to have a bit of AI as it suggests '1984' if the article contains '2002' anywhere, 'pappu' in reply to any comment that says 'feku', 'CoalGate/corruption/scam' etc if the article contains 'malnutrition'".



"I think the crowning feature is the auto-comment, where the user doesn't even have to be involved. It leaves a short and crisp 'Paid media' in the comment section of all articles. Sometimes, it leaves this comment on pro-modi articles also,but  I'm sure its a bug that will they fix soon.". Crowd Tech did confirm that they are working on this as a priority.



When asked if he wished for any additional features he was very quick to point out a few "To begin with, it should be 'kangressi' and not 'congressi', the later sounds too polite IMHO. Secondly, it should allow multiple usernames because sometimes we have to leave contradicting comments, like blaming the west, saying they don't understand India, when they call NaMo communal or violent, but embracing articles where they support him by saying things like 'SEE SEE EVEN AMREEKA LIKES HIM'", but he sums up with "A lot of people are losing their jobs everyday because they are spending too many office hours searching and commenting on anti-Namo articles, Crowd Tech is doing a really noble job by reducing that time, saves a lot of jobs, I would like to see more add-ons like this".

"Vikas Purush"

Meanwhile, a source from inside Crowd Tech tells us that they are making a mobile app that helps users to write open letters to Pappu, every time he opens his mouth. The last we heard, Chethan Bhagat was very keen on its development. Let's just say that Mr.Modi is 'Vikas Purush' indeed, inspiring such brave new (software) development and not just within India.

The Daily Hypocrite #4 - Crickit Bits

The fourth instalment of The Daily Hypocrite is here with news from the cricketing world and this time with back-links to the original articles so that people who haven't been following some of the news mentioned here, will have an idea about what is actually being spoken.



Harbhajan Singh down with Diarrhoea in West IndiesHarbhajan Singh fractured his pinky finger while he tripped and fell down due to a sudden attack of Explosive Diarrhoea during a practise session. Meanwhile, crickets, board official, ex-cricketers and journalists all over the world have blamed the incident on BCCI refusing to allow UDRS during the series.
"If only BCCI had decided to go with the UDRS, Harbhajan wouldn't have suffered from explosive Diarrhoea" wrote one journalist.
We wonder how many more players have to suffer from how many types of loose motion sicknesses before the BCCI will learn its lesson?


Indian players cheated
Every single cricketer on the Indian World cup winning squad, except Sachin himself, had claimed way before the world cup that they want to win the world cup only for Sachin and Sachin only and not the cup itself.

However, its been a little over three months since the squad won the world cup and they players are protesting that the BCCI are yet to hand over Sachin to them as the reward to take home with. Poor souls. We wonder who gets to keep him though.


Darryl Harper quits International Cricket
News broke out like wildfire recently that Darryl Harper had quit international cricket recently by stepping down from what should have been his last international match, the farewell match. Now, the name does ring a bell, I seem to have heard it somewhere, but I have no idea who the guy is, or which team he played for. I hope he got a fifty at least in his last innings.

Wait, is he Charlie Harper's brother from another mother?


Martin Crowe retires, again. This time *forcefully*
Martin Crowe, cousin to Russel Crowe, surprised a lot of people by announcing that he is going to return to first-class cricket at his ripe old age. But before he could grind his dentures and put up that nitty gritty look to face his first ball, with a not so steady pair of hands, he was not even allowed to step onto the field.

The reason: Abdomen gaurds are compulsory in this neck of the woods where he was to open for and he just couldn't wear it over the adult diaper. Ohhh CRAP!



Dhoni defends decision over not playing Ishanth.
Captain 'Midas' Touch of the Indian (I don't want to shake hands with the person who gave him that name) surprised a lot of people by not bowling Ishanth when England were taking the game away from India and evetually the 2000th test. He said "I was saving his energy so that he could come out and score a triple century while chasing. We had a huge total to follow. But rain spoilt all my plans."
Uhhh...?? We wanted to know how the rain spoilt his plans when it didn't rain after the first innings, but we clearly didn't want to match wit-to-wit with Captain As-Luck-Would-Have-it.





The new support staff
BCCI or as some people like to call it The "Board of Overkill it and then kill it some more" have named their new support staff for the Indian team.

Coach
Team manager
Opening batsmen coach
Middle order coach
Tail-ender coach
Pace bowling coach
Spin bowling coach
Part-time bowling coach
Fielding coach
Slips coach
Keeping coach
Extra cover coach
Deep mid-wicket coach
Third man cum Fine leg coach (for Munaf) (One coach multi-tasking as a result of cost-cutting)
Water boy coach

PsychoTheRapist
Physio

BCCI said that they hoped that the 16 man support staff will be sufficient to groom 11 players to take the field for the upcoming series.

Boy, we don't know, if you ask me I think we will be missing the run-out coach in the England tour!



Broad loses 50% of his pay-check
Stuart Broad was fined on July 3rd for showing Dissent at the match umpire Billy Bowden. Now we don't know what exactly happened out there, but it might have been something like this.

Stuart Broad: Howwzat?
Billy Bowden: No Ball!
Stuart Broad: That's not what your mom said last night.
Billy Bowden: Oh Fine! 
Stuart Broad: That's what SHE said!



--
Sarcasmacus




Previous posts as "The daily Hypocrite":
June - Celebrity news
May - The single Bangalore girl
April - Metrocity

The Daily Hypocrite #3 - Celebrity News

Ok so The Daily Hypocrite is back with our monthly. This time with some spice from the celebrity world.
                                                                           
                                                                      
                                                                  


Aarakshan production scrapped
There have been reports that the production of  Amitabh Bachchan's Aarakshan had been scrapped but actually the protagonist role is split and altered to two roles for the ramped up version.

The new version will have two female lead roles played by Mallika Sherawat and Jacqueline Fernandez (Because it's hard to find Indian women these days who are ready to play the anything-for-a-big-pay-check kinda roles) and so Aarakshan has now been renamed as "Erection".

I don't mean to boast, but come on, we all knew that sooner or later this change was gonna come up? Badoing!





Shah Rukh Sneezed
Now this may look like an article that was paid to be published by SRK himself but I swear on my left nut

(while sitting in my brand new Ferrari) that this not true and we at The Daily Hypocrite thought it was important enough to ruin your fine morning.

However, coming back to the news doing rounds, SRK sneezed while sitting on his commode today morning, it helped him finish up in just 2.5 seconds. A record in Bollywood. This proves hands down that he is the number one Khan in the industry and especially miles ahead of Salmaan Khan who is a wuss.

 Ra.One Rocks!! Death to all Salmaan fans.








Say no to 'Bollywood'
The angry young man of Hindi Cinema (by angry we mean old and by young we mean sick) Mr.Bachchan reckons that the Hindi film industry should not be referred to as 'Bollywood' since it was a mock name given to the industry after the then much established Hollywood.

So in other words he is saying that the industry is so old...it's losing wood! No pun intended.








Aamir gets busy
Aamir Khan is said to have gotten very busy these days. He spends a lot of time in a tiny dark room at his home. Kiran says he goes in there in the morning after breakfast and comes out only for dinner. We tried to catch up with him, but we got no response. After a lot of persistence, we got his publicist on the phone who said "He is busy cooking up a way to create a massive controversy for the eve of his release of Zakhmi which is due in 2012"

Finally it all made sense. I wonder why we didn't think of that.

"So far he has zeroed in on insulting some of the public figures or naming his pet donkey (from Dobhi Ghaat) after Akshay Kumar or Mr Silent Singh. Suggestions are welcome. Anybody whose suggestion is chosen gets to watch the screening of Zakhmi for free with his donkey."

That man Aamir is such a method actor. We love him. *sniff*








Arnie appears on Jerry Springer

Ahh so this is how it all happened. This secret episode airs next week, but this is how he broke the news.

*Jerry* *Jerry* *Jerry*
Jerry: Hello everyone welcome to today's show. Today we have here with us the Ex Guv of Calif, Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Crowd goes wild.


Arnie: Hi Jerry! Good to be here.


Jerry: Good to know that, so why are you here Arnie? What's going on?


*Crowd goes wild for no reason* ... *Then they suddenly become quiet when they realise Jerry hasn't cracked a joke yet*


Arnie: I've been cheating on my wife Maria, Jerry and I think I should come out to her.


Jerry (With a pretty good imitation): Come on do it.


* Out comes Maria *


Maria: What do you mean you are cheating on me?

Arnie: I have also fathered a son with her.


Maria: After all I did for you.


Arnie: Oh come on, I work hard all day, you just lie there! And these people are never gonna let me run for president anyway.


Maria: You never take care of the kids.


Arnie: The sex is not good.


Maria: How could you do this to our children?


Arnie: Give me another chance?


*Jerry interrupts *


Jerry: Whoa, not so fast, we won't have enough content for the show. So who did you cheat with?


Arnie: Oh this Mexican Hippo who used to clean my place.


Jerry: Whats her name?


Arnie: Lets just call her Baby Mama.


Jerry: Ok, lets meet Baby Mama, here she is.


* Crowd goes wild again*


Big Biiiiig woman walks in -Maria attacks Baby Mama - lots of hair pulling - dress pulling - wardrobe malfunctions - Arnie standing in the corner smoking a cigar - And Jerry intervenes...


Jerry: So, Baby Mama, you used to clean his place correct?

Baby Mama: Oh I cleaned more than that.


*Crowd goes wild*


Jerry: Fine, so do you love Arnie?


Baby Mama: Of course I do.


Arnie: But I don't love you. I love Maria.


Maria: But I don't love you.


Jerry: So you love him, and you love her, and she is pissed as hell? Your marriage has just been Terminated, you all go home alone. We will be right back ladies and Gentlemen.

-

Arnie Trivia for the readers..

Q) If Arnie was screwing around with a  black chick and fathered a son with her...?
A) ...the son would be called SchwarzeNIGGA!



--
Sarasmacus

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore Girl

The Daily Hypocrite #2 - The Single Bangalore (Bengaluru) Girl

                                                                                                                                                               
'Extinct' species rediscovered:

Bengaluru: Researchers Calvin McNutty and Eddie Hearsvoices, have claimed to have found a rare specimen of a 24-year-old-single-Bengaluru girl recently, while combing through the thick concrete jungles of Bengaluru. The news may come as a pleasant surprise to the thousands of single boys who will drool themselves dry at the prospects. Though, the scientific community had initially been vary and even critical since they doubt the duo's creds.

The search for the species which was funded by The National Geographic, was carried out by the two researchers who are infamous for their claim of finding a live woolly mammoth 5 years ago in Siberia which was found to be just a normal runaway circus elephant with a warm rug on top of it.

Earlier as soon as the news broke out, the entire scientific community had ganged up on McNutty and Hearsvoices, accusing them of giving the whole world a false hope and asked everyone not to get their expectations up. They said, there is no such thing as a 24 year old-single-bengaluru girl, or aliens or Santa Claus and there never will be. They also said that these two researchers were mentally deranged and were on the quest for quick and easy fame.

However, looks like McNutty and Hearsvoices have finally struck gold this time. The girl who is now in a containment facility in the outskirts of Bengaluru was shown by TV cameras to be confirming that she is single. She was shouting "What is this? Why are you doing this to me? Let me out? You can't do this just because I'm single".

McNutty explained how they captured the specimen - "Well, we had our eyes on her for quite a while. She was a regular at the mall. We studied her for a few days. She was attractive but we never saw her with a guy. She could have been a lesbian, but we had to take our chances with her and it paid off in the end. We setup a trap at the coffee shop and waited with a tranquillizer gun. The moment she sat down, I shot her with a strong doze while Hearsvoices ran towards her with a big net. She ran around the shopping mall for about two minutes gradually slowing down at the fourth floor. We had some of the local men to help us with her, because she wasn't going down without a fight."

Dr.Hearsvoices explains the importance of the find - " Yeah, it is a very important discovery. The biggest of my life. I was in tears when we confirmed she was the real specimen. I would like to thank God, my wife, kids and family for standing by me all this while."

He goes on to explain the importance of the find TO THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY - "Oh yeah, this means a lot to the scientific community too, because there is so much we don't know about The 24-yr-old-single-bengaluru girl. Until now, this was just thought to be part of mythology, you know, like the Kraken. Basically we are on the hunt for the gene that can make these girls wait for the right man."

The results of her eye tests and ear tests came out normal, so the theory that she clearly can't hear or see a man around her is ruled out.

"We have collected Blood samples, DNA samples, skin tissue, urine and stool samples" adds McNutty. "We also subjected her to some psychological tests. Turns out she has absolutely NO daddy issues, which could explain a lot about her condition."

When we asked what they planned to do with her Dr.Hearsvoices revealed "Well, basically we are gonna tag her with a radio collar and let her back into the wild."

Initially there were plans of keeping her in the research facility for a longer time and attempt captive breeding so that the species could be kept alive but it was later decided that since the captive breeding programmes are not very successful, she should be let back into the wild.

"This is a very exciting discovery." said Professor Bangsnone, who was not part of the study. "This girl here will unlock a lot of questions about the stone age and how it must have been then."

Though The Daily hypocrite wonders what kind of damage this capture could have done to possibly the only remaining 24-yr-old-single-Bengaluru-girl in the world when we caught up with the girl who appeared very scared and shaken up. This what she had to say to us "I will never be single again. I have learnt my lesson. As soon as I get out of here, I am going to the nearest bar."

The findings are going to be published in a paper in the famous journal - "Science" , in the next edition. You can also  catch the whole action in the Nat Geo Documentary "24 yr old Single Bengaluru girl - Fact or Fiction?" which airs sometime in August. We wish Mr.McNutty and Dr.Hearsvoices all the best for their research.

--
Sarcasmacus

The Daily Hypocrite #1 - Metrocity

Introducing the all new The Daily Hypocrite, your soon-to-be favourite newsletter on EVERYTHING, carrying in-depth articles by our energetic and enthusiastic journalist - Sarcasmacus. We "await" your "feedback" with "fingers crossed", like a 3 year old waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, but before you rush to pick up the pen, postcard and stamp, here is the first news piece.                                   
                                                                                                          
New four lane highway - Get to work early

Bengaluru: The new four lane highway from Bommanahalli Circle to Outer ring road which was under construction for the last three and a half  years by Ashok Cunning's NIICE! has now been completed and now open to public for commuting. Initially there was a lot of scepticism as to why there was a need for another road between the two points as they were already connected by a 6-lane highway, shouldered by a two lane service road, shadowed by the flyover, but Mr.Cunning pointed out that the new 1 and a half kilometer shortcut-highway will save a full 7 seconds of commuting time between Bommanahalli circle and Outer Ring road. Bengalureans were satisfied with this reasoning.

Earlier the project ran into rough waters when Mr.Gowda had started the 'Construction nillisi' (Halt construction) andolan. After waiting in vain for an eye-opening life changing speech, the press finally asked for the reason for the protests. He replied by saying 'What am I protesting?' . They say age is a very harsh mistress of the mind. Very true indeed. When the storm in the tea cup died down, NIICE! had to contend with numerous court cases.

Pammy Paanwala had filed a case citing reasons that his paan shop would be demolished and that he would be broke and the govt would have to pay a compensation running into crores to make up for the loss. After convincing him that his paan shop was only a wooden dabba that can be moved one and half kilometers to the east, the court ordered that the construction be resumed. Pammy paanwala was just one of the many cases the court had spit out of the court and onto the clean side-walks, just like his many customers.

In the melee, The Mannina Maga (Son of the soil) - Mr.Gowda returned to the limelight saying he now remembered the reason for his protests and had brought with him 7000 villagers from his home town, claiming that the highway was being built on the farmers lands that was forcefully taken away from them. When we caught up with one of the farmers who had shown up in support of the protest as to how many acres of land he had lost, all he had to say was this:
"Food?.....Where is all the food?....Are we going to get our food now or after all the shouting and pillaging?"
Anyway, the court had to convince the farmers again that there was no agricultural land in the heart of Bengaluru and that there had been some sort of a mistake.

Now that the highway has finally been completed, Bengalureans are breathing a sigh of relief that they can save 7 seconds for 5 days a week. The newspapers, including ours, are happy that they had material to write about. Mr.Gowda got his yearly fix of the limelight, he is sure to win the next elections. And Mr.Cunning is just happy that he had such a lovely gift to give to the society. All in all everybody is happy with this win-win situation.

The 1500 meter project is said to have cost 78 crores, furnishing included and about half the cost has been borne by the Govt. funding. The auditing for this funding was done by a new auditing company started by none other than, Mr.Clean AKA Suresh Kalmadi.

The other half of of the 78 crores will be raised by tolling the road for the next 20 years. The tolling rates are yet to be announced and are expected sometime next week until when the drive through will be free of cost.

As for the traffic conditions of the rest of Bengaluru, well, you are all still f*cked.
--
By Sarcasmacus
(AKA Sarcasmacuss)