The world cup - Before the final

Like a good die hard fan, I threw a party at my place after work for both the Ind Vs Aus and the Ind Vs Pak match. It was made of the kinda stuff that gives something to look back at.


First things first, here is the absolutely hilarious photo that went viral the day after the match.

It's a marvellous piece of work. I saw pretty much half the population upload this and comment "What an angle!" "Beautiful photography", but I'm sure the rest of you with above average IQ will figure out that this has been shopped ;) But it's still shit funny eh?

We had shouted so much during and after the Aussie match the neighbours had come out and started staring at us, smoking through their ears. We were inches away from being complained about to the police.

The day before the Pak match, I was unable to sleep. I got up around 2 AM and turned on some sports channels to listen in on some discussions. I was getting pretty tense and wanted to know if there were any updates, clearly there weren't.

On the day of the toss, my tension grew when I learnt we chose to bat instead of field and also played 3 seamers on a spinners track. Turns out it worked well for us because they were trying to go after spinners. A very poor strategy from them. When Afridi was at crease I kept shouting bowl wide and stump him or even better give him a full toss, he can't hit those. Well enough, Bhajji bowled a wide, that didn't work and the next ball, he gave him a full toss which was hit high in the air. All my colleagues jumped and hugged me as I started shouting "Full toss!!!!  Full toss!!!! Full toss!!!!" even before it was caught at mid off.

Earlier in the day, the Indian batting was telecast at the cafe above my office on a giant screen and the cafe was packed with two thousand people. I picked up two empty tumblers and pulled a free table and played some good music for the entire 50 overs until my fingers became red and swollen.

After the victory, I kept wondering if the neighbours will be pissed at me again. To my surprise the whole neighbour had gone crazy. I went shouting up to the terrace only to find every other terrace in sight crowded by people. Some shouting, some bursting crackers. I started yelling at the top of my voice

"Bring on the Lankans!!  Bring-on-the-Lankans BABY!! " while doing the tapanguchi dance and out of nowhere this half naked drunk guy from the next building jumps onto my terrace and runs towards me and hugs me "Thank you man!! Thank you!! I will remember this day forever!! I love you" and I had absolutely nothing to say to him except smile helplessly. :) You can be the biggest physcho around, but even that doesn't prepare you for an emotionally-charged-half-naked drunk.


Some superstitions:
During the Aussie match
One guy forced to watch the match in the sleeping position for whole of Indian innings.
Another was forced to watch it from outside the house, through the window.
And I was asked to swear without pausing for over 15 seconds.

-- All because India lost no wickets when this combination was on.

During the Pak match
The smokers noticed that whenever someone had lit up, a Paki wicket fell. So it was decided that the smokers would take responsibility of the match on their shoulders and ensure at least one of them were lit up for the entire innings.

At home my usual superstitions revolve around me keeping my foot off the ground when the match is going on. All this is surprising because I am not a superstitious person at all, unless cricket is involved!


I'm writing this post barely moments before The Final.
Sangakkara lost the toss, but because of the noise, the coin was tossed again and he won the second time around and chose to bat, as expected. Another spin friendly track, with red soil, but no Ashwin. Nehra, hero of the semi-final has a fractured pinky. So the clown Sreesanth replaces him.

Its a small ground even by standard of the T20 era.

Either ways, we should win this one easily, despite the Lankans being in form. They haven't put up a good show in India in a loooong time. My prediction is that we should chase down whatever they set(260-280) by losing no more than 4 wickets ;)

Lets see how much of this is true in a few hours.

All the best India, bring the cup back home.

A New claim for 15 minutes of fame

Give the world a man of peace and they call him a bi-sexual and a racist...

...give them a man of violence, they will put him in a room with top-notch security.

Patience my child

A couple of random events presented to you,
simply because I got nothing better to say or do.





Bring forth your stone jars my children

One fine afternoon, I'm having this hellishly intense craving for coffee. And if you knew me you would know I would make Libya look like a sneeze if I didn't get my timely fix of caffeine.

I go to the cafe and get to the coffee machine, but there is this nice elderly gentleman just standing there and filling up his cup with hot steam and I begin to think, why is it labelled as 'hot steam'? Does steam come chilled? I should get me a cup of one of those if they do, but definitely after this cup. And more silly thought when he turned around and probably mistook me for a nice young stranger, because he smiled at me, so I smiled back and before I know it, its two minutes. This gentleman is still standing, with a cup full of near boiling water and just looking at it. I decide not to intrude on whatever this old guy was doing so I waited 30 seconds more. Then I waited 10 more. This was clearly puzzling me cause I had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

For a moment I wondered if the bag of bones had fallen asleep staring into the cup. Or even worse, died.

40 more seconds passed and this guy was still staring dead deep into the cup of water, I tapped the on his shoulders and said softly "Sir, it turns into wine only on Sundays".

That did the trick. He immediately disappeared with his cup of hot water and luminous aura.

~~
And if we move to the right, we can see a plate of idlys

A few weeks ago, I'm having dinner at this place I go to usually. I don't remember what I had ordered but I think it was a plate of pooris. This is one of these places where you stand and eat on a table. As I am busy digging into the pooris, I notice this lady, staring into my plate. A glance is pretty common from people at the restaurants, because most people are trying to make their minds about what to get and can't help looking at some other people's orders. So I immediately looked away and continued to eat.

One poori later, I notice that she is still looking at my plate. I gave her a stare trying to unsettle her, she looked at me and went right back to looking at my plate. The unsettler, became unsettled. The unsettlee however, poked at one of her friends and pointed at my plate as if I wasn't even there.

They even had an engaging conversation about my dinner for the next couple o minutes. I'm usually pretty pleased to run into weirdos. Not because I feel right at home with them, but because, they are food for my blog. And if you go around, you probably run into a lot of them and they continue to surprise you every-single-time. But this pair was really killing my apetite.

I waited for a few moments and finally took a few steps towards them and said "Does your cellphone have a camera?"

"Excuse me" she said, with a full nakhra look. She probably thought I was using a lame pick-up line. So I repeated my query.

After glancing at her friend and giggling she said "Yeah, why?"

"Well, you can take a picture of my pooris if you want. I can wait."

Her friend got the joke...she didn't! And, no, it didn't entirely do the trick, but I had to go through only a couple more minutes of that.


~~

There are more to come from weirdville, but that's for another day another post.

The fairer sex

                                                                               
                                                                             
                                                                               
Happy woman's day to all the lovely women in my life.

Where would I be without you?

The World Cup 2011 - My first take!

The problem with Indians is that everybody thinks they are a cricket expert, political analyst, movie reviewer and world class photographer. That's the reason I try not to talk about my take on the game, just so that I don't get lost in the crowd. But going by all the crap talk going on about how India is unfit for the world cup, I had to write just to prove there are a few bloggers out here who are still rooting for the right team.

After Ireland's upset over England and with England winning against South Africa today, the points standings in group B have spread open wider than Mallika Sherawat's legs in her happy place. That should really help the bookies lose a few calories for now. Anyway, people looked like they had been waiting with bated breath to use the word 'Chokers' ever since they picked up the reference from the media and my facebook and twitter has been flooded with it, but little do they realise that the pitch the match was played on was pathetic. However, that doesn't stop me from cooking up jokes on it. This one just hit me in the shower-


Q: What do you call a South African Cricketer who made it to the team on colour quota?

A: A Choke-let!

I used to save these for the SMS group, but thats long dead now, so what the hell?

The Irish have proved that if they stay away from the pubs they can knock around the ball a bit. Against England they were pinching runs like it was St. Patrick's day. Their fielding has been world class too. A few more surprises and they might make it to the quarters.

The tie with England in the last game resulted most apparently due to the carefree attitude towards the England side. It was a screamer of a batting surface. And look, its the English team! They may win the Ashes 5 times in a row, but when it comes to ODIs they are just a bunch of clueless monkeys on the field. They prepare much harder on their comments about the weather and their cups of tea rather than the game.

-Oh dear oh dear, its a cloudy day I'm afraid.
-Looks like we could use a nice cup of tea.
-Oh wondeful, just what I had in mind. What do you reckon we do about the game tomorrow?
-I beg your pardon, What game?

The 7 year old roadkill on the state highway 17 has more life in it than that pitch that was used for the game. If only India had played as seriously as they would have if they were playing South Africa, they might have gotten close to 400, but at the end of the innings they thought that 330 odd was more than enough to handle a bunch of monkeys, right?

By winning today, steadily, India remain the only undefeated team in the group. That should put a cork on all the guys bitching and whining like sixteen year old girls having a panic attack.

 Yuvi becomes the first cricketer to take a 5-pher and score a half century in a world-cup match

There is some concern over the bowling, but that's really most of Piyush Chawla and Sreesanth. I dunno who  slept with the selectors for them to get into the team, but Ojha was a few leagues ahead as a spinner and supposedly the team wanted Vinay Kumar over Sreesanth. I guess they have to now do without these two. Even the Irish hit Chawla for over 7 an over for Pete's sake!

Coming to group A:
Things there are as boring as a Hindi movie made to reach the Oscars. There is absolutely no way Kenya, Canada and Zimbabwe are gonna give high blood pressure to the other teams. Hoping for a good fight between Pak Vs NZ. And somebody has to stop the Aussies.


All in All:
My money as of now is on India winning on April 2nd after The God scores his century. In fact, he might call it quits for ODIs then and there. If that doesn't happen? Well you get to come back and rub it in my face.

Go India, Go!

Forget IP Addresses, the world is running outta decent names

An Egyptian couple reportedly named their new born daughter 'Facebook'.
                                                                                         
Their neighbours, not to be left behind decided to name their yet-to-be born daughter as ‘Diaspora’ but all they had was a still-born.


A little known fact about that Egyptian couple is that they also had a son named 'Myspace' but he was lost in some stormy weather a few years ago during a pilgrimage (Kumbh-ka-mela of sorts) and hasn’t been found ever since. They have stopped searching.

- -


My heart goes to the daughter by the way. Imagine growing up into a teenager and realizing that their parents were dull enough to be over-awed by a social networking site, so much so that they thought they could name their daughter after it. It might be The social networking site at the moment, but just a social networking site nevertheless. I gotta say that they are easily impressed. Either that or:


1) They are the biggest geeks ever to walk the face of the earth who also happen to speak fluent Quenya (High-elf).

Mom: I still think ‘Twitter’ sounded better!

2) Lots and lots of tequila, lime and salt during the naming ceremony

“I here-by name my daughter Fauzia Begum, no wait, make that FaceBook, sounds so much cooler”

3) The Egyptian society is still stuck in the Stone Age and they hate their girl child to the bone.

“Girl child...bad! Me Give stupid name!”

4) Mubarak’s men dealt a really serious blow to their heads during the revolution.


If you still don’t get why I feel for the child, let me put you in her shoes. Imagine you were born when India gained independence and your parents decided to christen you ‘All India Radio’. (Or even better, you were born during The American revolution in 1700s and your parents named you 'Horse'). You wouldn’t exactly be the most popular kid in school mate.

Happy V Day

Those of you, like me, whose inhibitions prevent you from taking a plunge into the water..too sad you ain't part of the 12000 crore industry ;)

As for me, yesterday, my cousin got married (speak about timing), and my four aunts were hellishly busy combing the entire wedding hall for a cute chick for me. And I was the good cousin (as always) helping with and running around for the arrangements. Now I have showed up at office with drowsy eyes and a million aching muscles.

And oh, my aunts were unsuccessful. Cheers!

Respect

Getting hammered with a pornstar on a private pad on a Tuesday night. I would really like to know what he does on Friday night. Respect!

Narnia and Gaddam resign

In the last week of December both Gaddam and Narnia (mentioned in The Office - Part I) put in their papers and left the office. So I am sorry to inform you that you won’t be hearing any funny incidents about them again. And you probably should skip this post if you haven't read the others, cause that might seriously harm my image. ;)

The Legend of Narnia

The first to go was Narnia. She had sent a mail with all the blah-blahs that you usually get to read on anybody's good bye post and in addition to all that she had specifically asked for some of us to meet her before she left and during this, we were supposed to give her one piece of advice so that she could "become a better person for the rest of her journey. You can be completely honest with me, I won’t feel bad.".

I read the last line again

"You can be completely honest with me, I won’t feel bad."

The good old voice in my head gave out a thunderous, but wonderous “Muhahahahaha”.

You see, this girl had a pretty bad attitude and we all hated it. Some of our work depended on her work and she never completed her work on time and was the least courteous soul I had seen on earth.

And I the kind of guy, If you give me the license to kill, I would solve the problem of over population. She had pretty much done something like that when she asked me also to give her a piece of advice. I wanted to tell her to tone down her arrogance. Trust me it sounds nicer than the way I planned it. In reality I was not keen on meeting her, but I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind. It seems very brutal for a last day chat, but hey, I’m Iceman.

She sent a mail later asking us to meet at 5:30PM in the café. Or at least, that’s what I thought. When I finally went to the café I noticed I was the only person she was meeting. Slightly taken aback, I sat down with my coffee and exchanged a few pleasantries and we lost track for about 7-8 minutes. Then she said “Before I go I want to tell you one little thing if you wouldn’t mind” I smiled and said “I wouldn’t mind if you slap me right now”. She went on “Haha..no, but seriously, all I wanted to say was that you are a bit too arrogant. Try to work on it, if you can’t at least hide it”. Somewhere in my heart, a fat man and little boy were going bonkers and I think there was a little smoke coming outta my ears. She continued “If you have anything to say, something similar, you can.”. So I put down my coffee and replied as cold as possible, “Yes, in fact I had something similar in mind, but I think you are getting late to go home”.

Laughing she got up “See this is what I love about you, it’s my last day and you don’t mind asking me to go” and gave me the usual hug and the peck on the cheek and as she turned to pick up her bag my curiosity got the better of me and  I asked “But really? I was arrogant with you? When?” I personally put up my best professional behavior at work, so even though its common for people to tell me that I’m rude, miserable, sarcastic, brutal all the time, it was definitely a surprise to get it from a colleague. She said “Haan, remember the very first day we met? I was so friendly with you, I’m usually never like that with people at office and you refused to even give me your name. I had to find out from my neighbour. Seriously, what was your problem? I felt so insulted that day.”

Again, If you had read the July post in which Narnia was mentioned, you would understand what she just said.

I thought for a moment if it was better to explain to her but then again, I felt too lazy to do it, so I just heaved a big sigh and said “aah..never mind!”

I am very choosy lately about who I add on social networks what with all my offensive status messages, rude comments and all, so I avoid adding my colleagues. This means this is how our last meeting will end - Interesting and Hellishly Ironical.

--
God Damn Gaddam

And of course, our latest celebrity on this page, Gaddam also resigned and he too sent an emotionally charged email and all the blah blah blah. Fortunately he did not ask me to meet him privately too. But we did meet at a team mates cubicles. At the moment he was all set with his backpack and lunch box ready to walk out of those doors one final time after shaking hands with all of us of course. A few more people assembled when they saw him bidding good byes. I noticed that all the people present there were the same people who were in that forgettable meeting I have told you about. So when he finally came to shake hands with me, all boys and girls started sniggering at the awkwardness that seemed to be inevitable soon.

I thought I would entertain them with the legend one last time and asked Gaddam loudly, but as if I was whispering it to him

“So Gaddam, do you want me to finger you one last time?”.

Roars of laughter followed as we expected a shy response from him but Gaddam smiled and replied

“We are not colleagues anymore, so you can come and finger me any day you want!”

followed by an even louder  roar of laughter, good enough to grab the attention of the entire floor. And it’s a pretty big floor.

The team mates had mocked us every single day after that meeting and yet he never really understood the real meaning of what he had said!

Mind Hung up - Press any key to continue

The whole gang was here at the same place, at the same time at full leizure after over a year and had planned a trip - but it was cancelled, because of me.

All the friends are gone now, back to their work towns far far away, the weekend that was supposed to be fun has gone past in lightning fast speed.


Haven't packed the bags yet for the journey to follow and the bike is just not behaving.

Yet to decide whether to leave today at 5PM or extended the cozy stay at home for another 12 hours and leave in the morning.

And how are ya gonna leave? Trust the bike won't break down in between towns or wake up before the birds and take the bus?

I hate taking the city bus to office. I hate crowds and you always have to be on gaurd.

 - Too much man...too much.

Captain's log...

...star date Twenty Eleven. Me and my team (my alter ego) found ourselves on deck at exactly 0600 hrs with a body ache and a light case of the rhino. After much thought I decided to inform call of the mission to travel to the work galaxy and stay at home for another day.

I shall continue with the mission journey tomorrow again at 0600 hrs. Over and out.

In simpler words, I applied leave cause I had a cold.


Its gonna be a restful but boring day, but hey! I'm half way through and now wishing I didn't have to leave tomorrow. Damn!

And a quick recommendation while we are here - watch Little Miss Sunshine. It was on my list of movies to watch for over 4 years, had never found the time. Its story of one hellishly dysfunctional family -
A divorced and married again, nicotine addicted mom.
Her son from the first marriage who is on a vow of silence for 9 months running.
A bankrupt dad who is the stereotype crap self help book writer obsessed about winning.
His dad, who is a heroine snorting, foul mouthed, but yet the sweetest grandpa.
The mom's bro who is a gay 'preeminent Proust scholar in America' with suicidal tendencies.
and lastly the little girl who is Super cute! She is the star of the movie. Im now a fan of this actress - Abigail Breslin. (She was cute in Signs and Zombieland too.)
The story is set around their journey to a beauty pageant to which the girl is shortlisted to enter. Totally loved, do watch it, if ya haven't already.

--
I hate having to stay away from home for such a long time. Somebody find a way out!

Street dogs - just as good as any other

                   

                                                                                                                                              

Somewhere a puppy is alone and on the street waiting to be eternally faithful to a master kind enough to shelter it.

 

Adopt a puppy today!

The song of seven Xs

I bring here the song of my seven ex-s,
that must raise some eye brows.
Let me not waste your time anymore,
This is how the story goes...

The first thought I needed anger management,
While my second girl was way too huge.
I realised I lacked the nice guy element,
When they all said I was a douche.

The third left me for a richer guy
The fourth for a less arrogant one
The fifth left for a meatier man,
By then, I knew I was nearly done!

Finally number six, came walking into my life,
she was a real keeper, the kind to take home to mum,
But one issue came up too many times, ending in a strife,
She was pissed that I knew too many girls and boys she knew none.

And Im confused whether to smile or frown,
when my roomie walks into my room - in vain,
Kicks me hard in the shins and says-
"Wake up, you are dreaming of girls once more, we will be late for work, again"

This might have been just a song and nothing more to read,
but I put a question to you now, its answer will I need,
What would my seventh girl leave me for, how will it all bleed?
The hint for the riddle plainly lies in the word 'seven' indeed!

Death of a blog

How do blogs die?                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                                        
I am the kind of guy who believes in burning out. The blog is one exception where I may seem to fade away, but in reality, I am just a regular blogger who has wandered into a fog (as thick as pea soup) in the gloomy heart of London waiting patiently for an Indian summer.

Though still the same ordinary guy chosen by almighty to go through extra-ordinary(I believe!) situations, I once used to withold the things I went through just to write here. Now everybody I meet comes to know of it before it ends up here.

There are a few posts in the drafts bin I will publish, But I wondered if it was time to take a break after that? Or if it was the end of the insanity? I thought about it for a few days and said,
Screw this Sh!t..
I can't quit!!
(Only because it rhymes.)

After this little drizzle in a tea cup, I think I better pimp my blog, but of course - ain't got the patience for it.

My other option was to start another blog anonymously (I mean really really anonymously), which will mean none of you will ever come to know about it.

Oh the things I could tell you if my pesky cousin (we call her 'Ratty' with love) didn't submit hourly updates of my blog to my mum.

Ma, I love you, can you please stop wondering if I am doing crack or the neighbourhood girl?

Happy new year '11

I hope the year brings everything in a better quality, quantity and spirit than the years that passed!


Thank you all for the wishes. My year has taken off with a total bang. My network carrier decided to disconnect my phone at 0000hrs exactly, because there were some documents missing. (Which I did submit yesterday morning!). What an Idea sirji?
However, its not clear what disconnect really means, because some calls are getting through while most calls get 'call rejected' signal. In some cases, I recieve missed calls *slaps forehead* Most messages are getting through too. However, I am unable to respond or call back. So have to thank you here for now, Thank You! Again, for all the wishes and Happy new year :)

The perfect girl

Once a man was offered the hands of three beautiful women in marriage.                                               

The first was daughter of a king and was heir to all the riches a man can dream of.

The second was the kindest woman known around.

While the third was the most beautiful.

Who did the man choose?

He choose the one with the biggest boobs.

This was a joke I read long ago (Sorry if you are under 12 and reading this, though thats a slim chance). Though funny and fitting for the male stereotype, I was pretty dissappointed with the ending, since I know that even the biggest jerk will have a better reason for a choice and I wanted to know which of the 3 is the right one to go for.

I have promised to define my own 'perfect' girl at least 3 times, the first being 2 years ago on Orkut. Here is the moment, not even those 3 people are waiting for.

Before we proceed, you should know, I am a guy who doesn't know what he wants. Ask me what I want for my birthday and I probably can't come up with an answer. And there is pretty much nothing You, I or Bill Gates can buy that will make me go wild. This is the inspiration behind the post. Expect the description to evolve over time. Especially since I keep getting the feeling I'm missing something right now, as it is.





At the shallow end of the pool:
Anything above 5'4" (and of course less than, say, 5'11")- Cause I guess, its safe to call myself tall.
Long straight hair - Auuuoooooooooo!! Hoot Hoot! *Insanely stomping on the ground*
Jet black bright eyes - To inspire the poems I write in the future...
Athletic - Enough to accompany me on morning jogs (Which I have planned to restart every morning since Jan 09) :P Not that I would ask her to come with me.



Deep end of the pool:
*Genuine - There are a lot of features that will follow in this description that most people fake for the watching eye. And I can almost always tell when its being faked. God! That will drive me sane!


*Cheerful - Some people hold back when they wanna laugh out loud because they don't wanna be considered immature. Some Laugh out loud on purpose to attract attention, or to let others know that they are enjoying. Either ways would be a pain in the *achoo*. Excuse me. But there is one category, that doesn't hold back a laugh or a taunt or a tease when it has come out involuntarily. Find me a girl from this category.

*Talkative Good at converstaion - Doesn't everyone consider themself talkative? Bitching, Gossiping, crying and making weird noises doesn't really count as talkative. Or to rephrase the feature I would say I want someone good at a conversation. And trust me, Im a good listener. (Though this is not about me).

*Educated (duh!)-Are there any good looking single girls out there who also studied in CBSE? :D


*Loves animals - Girls who go 'chii' everytime they see a stray dog or a cat should be reincarnated as one.

*Kind/compassionate - Shall not talk much about this.

*Nature - You know what really irks me? Complaining that there are too many trees around. That they should be cut to make their lives better, their roads wider and their homes sunnier. I could never be with a girl like that.

*One who is not always saying "Listen! Listen!" - Because they are always bad listeners themselves and thats usually because they are very self centered. There can only be one self centered maniac in a relationship ;)

*Not superstitous - Not a fanatic of religious institutions. A girl who doesn't believe that if she doesn't send that chain mail or SMS forward her favourite God will fail to bless her or bad luck will haunt her for 9 years or a spirit will come and make noisy love to her grandma. I believe in the big guy up there, but Im not stupid.

*Not Opinionated - When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape!

*A little possessive ;) - This is something most people don't like right? I have had some trouble before with a possessive girl who I nearly ended up dating. That saga ended really bad, exactly because she was possessive, but over the top. However, I guess if the person is a little possessive, little, I would take it as a sign of adoration, not insecurity.

*Thank you God for Coffee, Cricket & Chocolates - I don't know how many times I have said that here by now. Anyway, a girl who doesn't like chocolates(Impossible is nothing) - Because I don't wanna share. And a girl who doesn't watch any 'saas bahus', since I would like to watch cricket when its on.

*Movies - Lets me watch movies in peace, without talking to me or trying to cuddle up or whatever. I hate it when people talk when Im watching a movie.


*Intelligence (Most important) - Intelligent chicks are such a total turn on! (Even if I was, say, 3 on a scale of 1-10)
I often come across situations while chatting when people give a puzzled look because they are having trouble keeping up and then there are few people I know who are right up there with you when having a complicated discussion. Unfortunately some are men and the girls are taken. My luck(Or my arrogance which you guys were waiting to point out :P).

*Doesn't complain when I am neck deep in introspection -Other wise this is how it usually goes
"What are you thinking about?"
"You are so mysterious, its scary"
"Why don't you share anything with me?"
"Don't you love me anymore?" (Throw in a few sniffs and crocodile tears)
"Is there someone else?"
"Its that girl from your class isn't it? You are always speaking about her"
When everything fails - "Sweety, I trust you, just tell me whenever you are ready ok?"
And finally "Umm..listen..we need to talk..."

Before I can blink, I am speaking to someone on the phone rubbing my forehead and back to thinking that I am gonna die single.

I am a thinker. I think therefore I am. A fellow blogger would know. Maybe I should go after the blogger chicks, but then again, they are all taken too.


These are my...

HUMBLE

...requirements. This decription was last edited/updated on 25th December 2010.
Does she exist? Well, I better wait for my miracle or realise a few years down the lane that she ain't happening, so that I can come back and trim this post.

As of today, my life is complicated enough. Even though some of the evenings do get a little too quiet, I rather not rock the boat while sailing in choppy waters. But writing this was fun! So much for not knowing what I want eh?

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day

First of all - Happy World Aids day. All you naughty kids out there - Play safe! :D

I hope you are landing on this post after reading The Office part II - I see dumb people as this is a continuation of that series.

Now coming to the story, Gaddam, is my colleague. I usually don't take names, but I'll make an exception here(With the risk of my blog being traced down by people from the office - because this incident has now become a legend in my office and I am infamously a part of it).

He is the most famous employee in my entire department. He is known for his dangerous english that would make Shakespeare roll over in his grave.

We are sitting in this meeting, some 8-11 of us, my manager is also part of it and we are having a very serious moment when suddenly Gaddam barges in and yells loudly to my manager

"Vamsi fingered me"

An immediate pin drop silence fell over the discussion room and all eyes zoomed in on our local celebrity.

The project manager asked "I didn't hear you properly"

"Vamsi fingered me, I swear I have nothing to do with it" he replied.

Now the room went from confusion to total shock. Everybody are now wondering if they were looking at a sexual harassment suit, should they be happy with the excitement? Should they be embarassed that this happened in our project? How did this even happen?

Well, not me. I was least bothered about what this meant and just wanted to quip.

So I asked "Did you like it?"

The more younger crowd started giggling but the manager and the seniors maintained the horror in their faces. However, my manager did give me a stern 'shut the f up' stare. So I did just that. Professional.Corporate. wtvr!

Gaddam paused a while before replying to me "Why are you asking like that? Even you fingered me that day. You know I don't like it"

The joke was on me. The focus of all the dead serious faces shifted from Gaddams stupid ass face to mine. I felt my nerves swell up and could literally hear my heart beating. The only things going through my head were 'what? who? finger? GADDAM?? His face - full of confidence - truth - but how? when?'

I have never cursed in my office, but what the hell? There is always a first time and that was when I said

"Gaddam...What..the..FUCK are you talking about?"

Manager intervened "Gaddam can we take this up later? I don't think we are all speaking on the same wavelength here and we in a meeting"

I didn't care about the manager anymore "You can't just walk in and yell any home-made nonsense into our face"

Gaddam fought back "What? Atleast you were justified in fingering me that day, I am not blaming you only yaaa, please don't be angry with me, I trust you, but Vamsi should not have fingered me"

Who the hell was Vamsi and why did he finger Gaddam?

"Gaddam, I have absolutely no clue what has happened to you. You are going mad. You need rest." I said.

Project manager was agreeing with me "Yes, I think thats a good idea. Why don't you..."

"No! I am not mad. That guy sits onsite, how the hell can he know what I am going through? He can't finger me like that all of a sudden. There are hundreds of us in this project he can finger whenever he wants" said a more furious Gaddam.

Onsite? Gaddam-Dangerous-English-Onsite guy. Now finally the whole thing flashed into my head.

"Oh my God! Thank God.." I exclaimed and turned to my manager "He is trying to say Vamsi pointed his finger at Gaddam for some screw up. I had taken him to task last week for messing up the svn commit, today Vamsi has probably got him for something else. He has translated word to word from Telugu"

And before the whole thing sunk in to audience the manager said "Ok, Gaddam we got what you are saying, Ill take it up with Vamsi. You need to watch your temper. And team, I think we are done with the meeting, we can take up the rest of the issues on call, hopefully nobody will talk about Gaddam's dramatic scene after this?" and dismissed the meeting. I was cleared of all charges to walk a free man. Somehow, all along, in my mind I knew all this would be nothing at the end of the day, but couldn't help worrying whether this was something actually serious. Its worth mentioning that the managers composure was impressive throughout.

Its been nearly two months and still all those guys and girls from the meeting ask me "Did you finger Gaddam today?"

Gad-damn-it!

The office Part II - I see dumb people

I know the last one was good, but I had decided not to write again about work, but the incidents that happen over here just plague my mind to just come back and write one more. If you liked the last one, you will like this one too. The very last story was slightly lengthy, so I decided to write a seperate one for that, but it is linked here anyhow and is probably the best in the series.

Today I will tell you about the characters I have to encounter at office.

Bubbling brook

The faces a person is most likely to remember here when it comes to strangers are those that belong to the unfortunate souls that are seated very close to the Rest room area. Of course, it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes to cleanliness or aroma, but I imagine it must be very annoying to have people walking around (With that OMG! OMG! :S look) all day.

Bubbling Brook is a lady in her mid-30s who sits right at the corner of the office where we have to turn left just before entering the restroom. She seems like a lonely soul and for good reason. I had thought I had seen it all when once I saw her smiling wildly at her monitor and drooling. Yep! I said drooling. I usually walk very fast and I could have never been sure if I could trust what I saw. And then I got sure, my eyesight was perfect. I witnessed the phenomenon a couple of times more. I don’t know if it’s some kind of a disorder she has, but I never wanna know what was on her screen every time I saw her drooling.

I avoid going to the restroom from that side now!

Revenge of the Sith

This is the guy I run into daily at the restroom (What’s with the restroom?). On first look you would think he has fallen straight out of a coconut tree into this company. But look at him again and he has that forever angry look like as if he has come here to avenge the murder of his nanny. His eyebrows seem like they are eternally held together in a scornful look. Probably the only thing missing in the entire getup is a shining Machete. Even when he is patiently combing his well oiled coconut coir-like hair he has his angry git look. And if he ever turns to look at you, it is as if he just met his nemesis and you are never sure if he going to pull out his super lethal oily comb and slash away “Die you nanny killer die die die!!!”

I always maintain 6 feet of distance between him and me. Hey, better safe than sorry!

Alanis Morissette

This name applies to everybody here who find it funny that I wash my hands with soap before and after breakfast/lunch/dinner. Now I have all the more reason not to shake hands with anyone.

Me: You bought your girlfriend a condom for her birthday? What’s wrong with you?

Alanis Morissette: Relax, It’s not like I washed my hands with soap BEFORE and AFTER lunch. what do you know about relationships anyway?

Me: ????? I don’t think there is even a reply to that.

Alanis Morissette: Guys we have finally won an argument with Iceman. Thanks to our Teamwork...

Me: ...And your untouchable sense of hygiene.

Tale of two techies:

GanteGiri (Techie 1): I am thinking of buying an iPod. (This dope is always busy wondering what he should think he should buy next.)

The Other guy (Techie 2): Buy the one from Apple.

GanteGiri: No the iPods that Apple make are costlier and don’t have many features. What do you say Iceman?

Me: Does Apple sell brains?

The man with the wooded leg - Arr that's me

After the fall, I had a bit of limp in my step for about two weeks. There is this wanna-be in my office who always tries to fake his accent, trying to sound all American and is always yapping at others trying to prove his knowledge of the west. Reminds me of someone from my college, but this guy is slightly better, but irritating all the same. He comes up to me and raises his hand hinting at me to give him a Hi-5 and I know he wont go away until I do give him one, but stubborn as I am to prove my ignorance of his existence that I refuse to even look away from my monitor let alone give him a Hi5.
After waiting for around 20 seconds yelling repeatedly "Dude! Dude!" he gives up.


The americano: What are you doing?
Me: Something we people call 'work'.
The Americano: Haha! Thats funny yo, thats so funny. You have good sense of humour, just like the Americans.


At this point Im wondering if I threw a stick, he would go away.



Americano: Chill man, chill. by the way, I've always wanted to ask you, I have noticed you have a limp. Can I ask what happened?


I was wondering  'Always'???.



Me: I will tell you about it, but cross your heart and tell me that you won't mention my bad leg again?


The Americano(now elated): Yes Bro, Never again.


Me: You must take this to your grave.


The Americano (Now listening with all the strength in his nervous system): Wow..yes. I swear. I have always waited for a moment like this in my life. I think you and I can be best friends. Ya know..two dudes, just hanging out and sharing stuff. So tell me whats with the leg.

This guy makes me sad! Anyway, I turned my face towards the window, brought up the most dramatic look ever and said "Veitnam!"


Its been three weeks since this happened, I haven't run into him again. Mission Accomplished!!

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day
As I said, this one deserved a seperate mention. So follow the link and read it. Based on the reactions I get, I may or may not come back with more short stories from this circus where I perform.

Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..

Does anyone remember the old Nerolac ad from 1991 (around that time)?

The one where they play music with the paint brushes by beating them on the ladder and empty nerolac boxes and stuff?
                                                                                                                                                                                

I want the video. I don't want the cheezy Shah Rukh Khan version with all the over acting and stuff. Don't gimme suggestions like "Try googling it" or "Check on youtube" cause that's the first thing anyone would do.

If you have it, please let me know. I want I want I want!!
Maybe someone reading this has it or collected it or recieved it in a forward or something - hopefully.


Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..
Deewaron ko jab sajaana ho..
Nerolaaac..Nerolac!

(No, this ain't an endorsement :P)


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Edit:
Thank you Anonymous and Thank you Anusha, Im guessing you are both the same people :P

I got the video within 2 hours of posting this. Anusha mailed it to me. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
A big >:D< to you.

Its 47 seconds and its awesome. I watched it quite a few times already. Nostalgia...*sniff*!

I told you so..

I didn't think I would be writing today at all. Cause you see, I should have been working right now at office and at office as you know we have limited access to the internet.

So does that mean I didn't leave to my work town? I did. In fact it was raining heavily and despite repeated scoldings and warnings from dad, mum and aunt, I got on my bike and took off.

Of course, half an hour after Humpty Dumpty (More like Skimpy Wimpy) had a big fall on the road. Iceman got little booboos here and there that are no big deal(Seriously, I'm fine!), but my poor old bike is damaged.

To add insult to injury, I have been listening to "I told you so"s all day along.

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I forgot to let you know - My helmet saved me! Otherwise My last post -Introspection and The Five year plan would have ironically, been my last!