'Extinct' species rediscovered:
Bengaluru: Researchers Calvin McNutty and Eddie Hearsvoices, have claimed to have found a rare specimen of a 24-year-old-single-Bengaluru girl recently, while combing through the thick concrete jungles of Bengaluru. The news may come as a pleasant surprise to the thousands of single boys who will drool themselves dry at the prospects. Though, the scientific community had initially been vary and even critical since they doubt the duo's creds.
The search for the species which was funded by The National Geographic, was carried out by the two researchers who are infamous for their claim of finding a live woolly mammoth 5 years ago in Siberia which was found to be just a normal runaway circus elephant with a warm rug on top of it.
Earlier as soon as the news broke out, the entire scientific community had ganged up on McNutty and Hearsvoices, accusing them of giving the whole world a false hope and asked everyone not to get their expectations up. They said, there is no such thing as a 24 year old-single-bengaluru girl, or aliens or Santa Claus and there never will be. They also said that these two researchers were mentally deranged and were on the quest for quick and easy fame.
However, looks like McNutty and Hearsvoices have finally struck gold this time. The girl who is now in a containment facility in the outskirts of Bengaluru was shown by TV cameras to be confirming that she is single. She was shouting "What is this? Why are you doing this to me? Let me out? You can't do this just because I'm single".
McNutty explained how they captured the specimen - "Well, we had our eyes on her for quite a while. She was a regular at the mall. We studied her for a few days. She was attractive but we never saw her with a guy. She could have been a lesbian, but we had to take our chances with her and it paid off in the end. We setup a trap at the coffee shop and waited with a tranquillizer gun. The moment she sat down, I shot her with a strong doze while Hearsvoices ran towards her with a big net. She ran around the shopping mall for about two minutes gradually slowing down at the fourth floor. We had some of the local men to help us with her, because she wasn't going down without a fight."
Dr.Hearsvoices explains the importance of the find - " Yeah, it is a very important discovery. The biggest of my life. I was in tears when we confirmed she was the real specimen. I would like to thank God, my wife, kids and family for standing by me all this while."
He goes on to explain the importance of the find TO THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY - "Oh yeah, this means a lot to the scientific community too, because there is so much we don't know about The 24-yr-old-single-bengaluru girl. Until now, this was just thought to be part of mythology, you know, like the Kraken. Basically we are on the hunt for the gene that can make these girls wait for the right man."
The results of her eye tests and ear tests came out normal, so the theory that she clearly can't hear or see a man around her is ruled out.
"We have collected Blood samples, DNA samples, skin tissue, urine and stool samples" adds McNutty. "We also subjected her to some psychological tests. Turns out she has absolutely NO daddy issues, which could explain a lot about her condition."
When we asked what they planned to do with her Dr.Hearsvoices revealed "Well, basically we are gonna tag her with a radio collar and let her back into the wild."
Initially there were plans of keeping her in the research facility for a longer time and attempt captive breeding so that the species could be kept alive but it was later decided that since the captive breeding programmes are not very successful, she should be let back into the wild.
"This is a very exciting discovery." said Professor Bangsnone, who was not part of the study. "This girl here will unlock a lot of questions about the stone age and how it must have been then."
Though The Daily hypocrite wonders what kind of damage this capture could have done to possibly the only remaining 24-yr-old-single-Bengaluru-girl in the world when we caught up with the girl who appeared very scared and shaken up. This what she had to say to us "I will never be single again. I have learnt my lesson. As soon as I get out of here, I am going to the nearest bar."
The findings are going to be published in a paper in the famous journal - "Science" , in the next edition. You can also catch the whole action in the Nat Geo Documentary "24 yr old Single Bengaluru girl - Fact or Fiction?" which airs sometime in August. We wish Mr.McNutty and Dr.Hearsvoices all the best for their research.
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Sarcasmacus
