The perfect girl

Once a man was offered the hands of three beautiful women in marriage.                                               

The first was daughter of a king and was heir to all the riches a man can dream of.

The second was the kindest woman known around.

While the third was the most beautiful.

Who did the man choose?

He choose the one with the biggest boobs.

This was a joke I read long ago (Sorry if you are under 12 and reading this, though thats a slim chance). Though funny and fitting for the male stereotype, I was pretty dissappointed with the ending, since I know that even the biggest jerk will have a better reason for a choice and I wanted to know which of the 3 is the right one to go for.

I have promised to define my own 'perfect' girl at least 3 times, the first being 2 years ago on Orkut. Here is the moment, not even those 3 people are waiting for.

Before we proceed, you should know, I am a guy who doesn't know what he wants. Ask me what I want for my birthday and I probably can't come up with an answer. And there is pretty much nothing You, I or Bill Gates can buy that will make me go wild. This is the inspiration behind the post. Expect the description to evolve over time. Especially since I keep getting the feeling I'm missing something right now, as it is.





At the shallow end of the pool:
Anything above 5'4" (and of course less than, say, 5'11")- Cause I guess, its safe to call myself tall.
Long straight hair - Auuuoooooooooo!! Hoot Hoot! *Insanely stomping on the ground*
Jet black bright eyes - To inspire the poems I write in the future...
Athletic - Enough to accompany me on morning jogs (Which I have planned to restart every morning since Jan 09) :P Not that I would ask her to come with me.



Deep end of the pool:
*Genuine - There are a lot of features that will follow in this description that most people fake for the watching eye. And I can almost always tell when its being faked. God! That will drive me sane!


*Cheerful - Some people hold back when they wanna laugh out loud because they don't wanna be considered immature. Some Laugh out loud on purpose to attract attention, or to let others know that they are enjoying. Either ways would be a pain in the *achoo*. Excuse me. But there is one category, that doesn't hold back a laugh or a taunt or a tease when it has come out involuntarily. Find me a girl from this category.

*Talkative Good at converstaion - Doesn't everyone consider themself talkative? Bitching, Gossiping, crying and making weird noises doesn't really count as talkative. Or to rephrase the feature I would say I want someone good at a conversation. And trust me, Im a good listener. (Though this is not about me).

*Educated (duh!)-Are there any good looking single girls out there who also studied in CBSE? :D


*Loves animals - Girls who go 'chii' everytime they see a stray dog or a cat should be reincarnated as one.

*Kind/compassionate - Shall not talk much about this.

*Nature - You know what really irks me? Complaining that there are too many trees around. That they should be cut to make their lives better, their roads wider and their homes sunnier. I could never be with a girl like that.

*One who is not always saying "Listen! Listen!" - Because they are always bad listeners themselves and thats usually because they are very self centered. There can only be one self centered maniac in a relationship ;)

*Not superstitous - Not a fanatic of religious institutions. A girl who doesn't believe that if she doesn't send that chain mail or SMS forward her favourite God will fail to bless her or bad luck will haunt her for 9 years or a spirit will come and make noisy love to her grandma. I believe in the big guy up there, but Im not stupid.

*Not Opinionated - When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape!

*A little possessive ;) - This is something most people don't like right? I have had some trouble before with a possessive girl who I nearly ended up dating. That saga ended really bad, exactly because she was possessive, but over the top. However, I guess if the person is a little possessive, little, I would take it as a sign of adoration, not insecurity.

*Thank you God for Coffee, Cricket & Chocolates - I don't know how many times I have said that here by now. Anyway, a girl who doesn't like chocolates(Impossible is nothing) - Because I don't wanna share. And a girl who doesn't watch any 'saas bahus', since I would like to watch cricket when its on.

*Movies - Lets me watch movies in peace, without talking to me or trying to cuddle up or whatever. I hate it when people talk when Im watching a movie.


*Intelligence (Most important) - Intelligent chicks are such a total turn on! (Even if I was, say, 3 on a scale of 1-10)
I often come across situations while chatting when people give a puzzled look because they are having trouble keeping up and then there are few people I know who are right up there with you when having a complicated discussion. Unfortunately some are men and the girls are taken. My luck(Or my arrogance which you guys were waiting to point out :P).

*Doesn't complain when I am neck deep in introspection -Other wise this is how it usually goes
"What are you thinking about?"
"You are so mysterious, its scary"
"Why don't you share anything with me?"
"Don't you love me anymore?" (Throw in a few sniffs and crocodile tears)
"Is there someone else?"
"Its that girl from your class isn't it? You are always speaking about her"
When everything fails - "Sweety, I trust you, just tell me whenever you are ready ok?"
And finally "Umm..listen..we need to talk..."

Before I can blink, I am speaking to someone on the phone rubbing my forehead and back to thinking that I am gonna die single.

I am a thinker. I think therefore I am. A fellow blogger would know. Maybe I should go after the blogger chicks, but then again, they are all taken too.


These are my...

HUMBLE

...requirements. This decription was last edited/updated on 25th December 2010.
Does she exist? Well, I better wait for my miracle or realise a few years down the lane that she ain't happening, so that I can come back and trim this post.

As of today, my life is complicated enough. Even though some of the evenings do get a little too quiet, I rather not rock the boat while sailing in choppy waters. But writing this was fun! So much for not knowing what I want eh?

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day

First of all - Happy World Aids day. All you naughty kids out there - Play safe! :D

I hope you are landing on this post after reading The Office part II - I see dumb people as this is a continuation of that series.

Now coming to the story, Gaddam, is my colleague. I usually don't take names, but I'll make an exception here(With the risk of my blog being traced down by people from the office - because this incident has now become a legend in my office and I am infamously a part of it).

He is the most famous employee in my entire department. He is known for his dangerous english that would make Shakespeare roll over in his grave.

We are sitting in this meeting, some 8-11 of us, my manager is also part of it and we are having a very serious moment when suddenly Gaddam barges in and yells loudly to my manager

"Vamsi fingered me"

An immediate pin drop silence fell over the discussion room and all eyes zoomed in on our local celebrity.

The project manager asked "I didn't hear you properly"

"Vamsi fingered me, I swear I have nothing to do with it" he replied.

Now the room went from confusion to total shock. Everybody are now wondering if they were looking at a sexual harassment suit, should they be happy with the excitement? Should they be embarassed that this happened in our project? How did this even happen?

Well, not me. I was least bothered about what this meant and just wanted to quip.

So I asked "Did you like it?"

The more younger crowd started giggling but the manager and the seniors maintained the horror in their faces. However, my manager did give me a stern 'shut the f up' stare. So I did just that. Professional.Corporate. wtvr!

Gaddam paused a while before replying to me "Why are you asking like that? Even you fingered me that day. You know I don't like it"

The joke was on me. The focus of all the dead serious faces shifted from Gaddams stupid ass face to mine. I felt my nerves swell up and could literally hear my heart beating. The only things going through my head were 'what? who? finger? GADDAM?? His face - full of confidence - truth - but how? when?'

I have never cursed in my office, but what the hell? There is always a first time and that was when I said

"Gaddam...What..the..FUCK are you talking about?"

Manager intervened "Gaddam can we take this up later? I don't think we are all speaking on the same wavelength here and we in a meeting"

I didn't care about the manager anymore "You can't just walk in and yell any home-made nonsense into our face"

Gaddam fought back "What? Atleast you were justified in fingering me that day, I am not blaming you only yaaa, please don't be angry with me, I trust you, but Vamsi should not have fingered me"

Who the hell was Vamsi and why did he finger Gaddam?

"Gaddam, I have absolutely no clue what has happened to you. You are going mad. You need rest." I said.

Project manager was agreeing with me "Yes, I think thats a good idea. Why don't you..."

"No! I am not mad. That guy sits onsite, how the hell can he know what I am going through? He can't finger me like that all of a sudden. There are hundreds of us in this project he can finger whenever he wants" said a more furious Gaddam.

Onsite? Gaddam-Dangerous-English-Onsite guy. Now finally the whole thing flashed into my head.

"Oh my God! Thank God.." I exclaimed and turned to my manager "He is trying to say Vamsi pointed his finger at Gaddam for some screw up. I had taken him to task last week for messing up the svn commit, today Vamsi has probably got him for something else. He has translated word to word from Telugu"

And before the whole thing sunk in to audience the manager said "Ok, Gaddam we got what you are saying, Ill take it up with Vamsi. You need to watch your temper. And team, I think we are done with the meeting, we can take up the rest of the issues on call, hopefully nobody will talk about Gaddam's dramatic scene after this?" and dismissed the meeting. I was cleared of all charges to walk a free man. Somehow, all along, in my mind I knew all this would be nothing at the end of the day, but couldn't help worrying whether this was something actually serious. Its worth mentioning that the managers composure was impressive throughout.

Its been nearly two months and still all those guys and girls from the meeting ask me "Did you finger Gaddam today?"

Gad-damn-it!

The office Part II - I see dumb people

I know the last one was good, but I had decided not to write again about work, but the incidents that happen over here just plague my mind to just come back and write one more. If you liked the last one, you will like this one too. The very last story was slightly lengthy, so I decided to write a seperate one for that, but it is linked here anyhow and is probably the best in the series.

Today I will tell you about the characters I have to encounter at office.

Bubbling brook

The faces a person is most likely to remember here when it comes to strangers are those that belong to the unfortunate souls that are seated very close to the Rest room area. Of course, it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes to cleanliness or aroma, but I imagine it must be very annoying to have people walking around (With that OMG! OMG! :S look) all day.

Bubbling Brook is a lady in her mid-30s who sits right at the corner of the office where we have to turn left just before entering the restroom. She seems like a lonely soul and for good reason. I had thought I had seen it all when once I saw her smiling wildly at her monitor and drooling. Yep! I said drooling. I usually walk very fast and I could have never been sure if I could trust what I saw. And then I got sure, my eyesight was perfect. I witnessed the phenomenon a couple of times more. I don’t know if it’s some kind of a disorder she has, but I never wanna know what was on her screen every time I saw her drooling.

I avoid going to the restroom from that side now!

Revenge of the Sith

This is the guy I run into daily at the restroom (What’s with the restroom?). On first look you would think he has fallen straight out of a coconut tree into this company. But look at him again and he has that forever angry look like as if he has come here to avenge the murder of his nanny. His eyebrows seem like they are eternally held together in a scornful look. Probably the only thing missing in the entire getup is a shining Machete. Even when he is patiently combing his well oiled coconut coir-like hair he has his angry git look. And if he ever turns to look at you, it is as if he just met his nemesis and you are never sure if he going to pull out his super lethal oily comb and slash away “Die you nanny killer die die die!!!”

I always maintain 6 feet of distance between him and me. Hey, better safe than sorry!

Alanis Morissette

This name applies to everybody here who find it funny that I wash my hands with soap before and after breakfast/lunch/dinner. Now I have all the more reason not to shake hands with anyone.

Me: You bought your girlfriend a condom for her birthday? What’s wrong with you?

Alanis Morissette: Relax, It’s not like I washed my hands with soap BEFORE and AFTER lunch. what do you know about relationships anyway?

Me: ????? I don’t think there is even a reply to that.

Alanis Morissette: Guys we have finally won an argument with Iceman. Thanks to our Teamwork...

Me: ...And your untouchable sense of hygiene.

Tale of two techies:

GanteGiri (Techie 1): I am thinking of buying an iPod. (This dope is always busy wondering what he should think he should buy next.)

The Other guy (Techie 2): Buy the one from Apple.

GanteGiri: No the iPods that Apple make are costlier and don’t have many features. What do you say Iceman?

Me: Does Apple sell brains?

The man with the wooded leg - Arr that's me

After the fall, I had a bit of limp in my step for about two weeks. There is this wanna-be in my office who always tries to fake his accent, trying to sound all American and is always yapping at others trying to prove his knowledge of the west. Reminds me of someone from my college, but this guy is slightly better, but irritating all the same. He comes up to me and raises his hand hinting at me to give him a Hi-5 and I know he wont go away until I do give him one, but stubborn as I am to prove my ignorance of his existence that I refuse to even look away from my monitor let alone give him a Hi5.
After waiting for around 20 seconds yelling repeatedly "Dude! Dude!" he gives up.


The americano: What are you doing?
Me: Something we people call 'work'.
The Americano: Haha! Thats funny yo, thats so funny. You have good sense of humour, just like the Americans.


At this point Im wondering if I threw a stick, he would go away.



Americano: Chill man, chill. by the way, I've always wanted to ask you, I have noticed you have a limp. Can I ask what happened?


I was wondering  'Always'???.



Me: I will tell you about it, but cross your heart and tell me that you won't mention my bad leg again?


The Americano(now elated): Yes Bro, Never again.


Me: You must take this to your grave.


The Americano (Now listening with all the strength in his nervous system): Wow..yes. I swear. I have always waited for a moment like this in my life. I think you and I can be best friends. Ya know..two dudes, just hanging out and sharing stuff. So tell me whats with the leg.

This guy makes me sad! Anyway, I turned my face towards the window, brought up the most dramatic look ever and said "Veitnam!"


Its been three weeks since this happened, I haven't run into him again. Mission Accomplished!!

Gaddam Sexual Harassment Day
As I said, this one deserved a seperate mention. So follow the link and read it. Based on the reactions I get, I may or may not come back with more short stories from this circus where I perform.

Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..

Does anyone remember the old Nerolac ad from 1991 (around that time)?

The one where they play music with the paint brushes by beating them on the ladder and empty nerolac boxes and stuff?
                                                                                                                                                                                

I want the video. I don't want the cheezy Shah Rukh Khan version with all the over acting and stuff. Don't gimme suggestions like "Try googling it" or "Check on youtube" cause that's the first thing anyone would do.

If you have it, please let me know. I want I want I want!!
Maybe someone reading this has it or collected it or recieved it in a forward or something - hopefully.


Jab ghar ki ronak badani ho..
Deewaron ko jab sajaana ho..
Nerolaaac..Nerolac!

(No, this ain't an endorsement :P)


--
Edit:
Thank you Anonymous and Thank you Anusha, Im guessing you are both the same people :P

I got the video within 2 hours of posting this. Anusha mailed it to me. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
A big >:D< to you.

Its 47 seconds and its awesome. I watched it quite a few times already. Nostalgia...*sniff*!

I told you so..

I didn't think I would be writing today at all. Cause you see, I should have been working right now at office and at office as you know we have limited access to the internet.

So does that mean I didn't leave to my work town? I did. In fact it was raining heavily and despite repeated scoldings and warnings from dad, mum and aunt, I got on my bike and took off.

Of course, half an hour after Humpty Dumpty (More like Skimpy Wimpy) had a big fall on the road. Iceman got little booboos here and there that are no big deal(Seriously, I'm fine!), but my poor old bike is damaged.

To add insult to injury, I have been listening to "I told you so"s all day along.

--
I forgot to let you know - My helmet saved me! Otherwise My last post -Introspection and The Five year plan would have ironically, been my last!

Introspection and The Five year plan

I'm a true Gemini. The only person who will know my deepest desires and plans will be me. Here I attempt to go against that trait and publish for all to see, a small fraction of what I wouldn't have preferred to disclose, usually...

---

Recently a person asked me a question out of the blue – “So tell me about you. What are you good at?”

She had me completely stunned. I had no answer at all. Time and again such incidents should not keep reminding me that I have been a loser all my life. I think it's high time I do something so that I don't have to face the situation again. Oh about the answer? I told her one of my original Rajnikant jokes and she forgot to repeat her question later or decided not to.

It led me to think of what I want to do in the next five years. So I put down a list and somehow I feel it is connected to me being a step more productive in life. Don’t ask me how. Also these are the list of things don't require the Gods to descend upon middle earth to help me finish it off. The plan is open to tweaking and additions mind you. As long as it doesn't mess with the basic idea. Here it is-

* Pay off the education loan

            This might be the most important of them all. There are some things I would finally want to get for myself. Before I go crazy with that idea, I need to pay off my loan first. Helps the conscience ;)

* Buy a car with no mortgage

            I am a biker dude - No doubt. This is for the family. Some car. We never had one.

* Spend all my money - Once!

            Money makes the world go round. So make it go round. However I don’t intend to feature this plan in any other 5 year plan ever.

* Tell a girl You love her and mean it.

Note: I know this not something that can be "done" or "achieved" at will. Save me your gyan! And No, I have never said it to anyone with or without meaning it or whatever. Stop assuming. Wait, keep assuming, it’s more fun this way, like the time you all thought I screwed someone at work. Anyway, I hear all you singles shouting against it (or now wondering if you should)..trust me - I've been there, done that! At the end of five years from today I will be closing in on my 30s and will be only 20 years away from settling down ;) 

* Add 7 kilos

             Yeah Yeah Yeah..wtvr!! Maybe this should be achieved before my previously listed plan, otherwise I will just end up being rejected.

* Don’t let this list turn into a bucket list

            Self explanatory.

I considered adding 'Higher studies' in there. But then, I am not really sure I can. At this point, it would take a miracle. In that case, the list would say: 

-Turn into a superhero

-Save two million lives from peril

-Improve forest cover

-Reverse Global warming

-Get the beautiful girl For your very own Happily Ever After

---

A little note of interest before we go –

I asked about 6-7 people about what I should do to make my life more worth it. (No I am not suffering from depression. It’s the result of a bit of introspection.)

Around five people gave me only one instant reply – Write a book!

Now I don’t see myself doing that, so putting that to rest – What would you suggest? You can also tell me about your five year plan. Maybe your list will help me improve mine ;)

---

Let us revisit this list in the Sweet November of 2015 and see if I walked the walk.

Waiting for Deepavali leave

There is a holiday declared on Nov 1st and 5th. So I just have to apply 3 days of leave (Which I don't have anymore in the first place) in order to enjoy 9 days of vacation. I approached my manager in August and September for the approval of the same. [BTW My manager and my team lead have taken an oath to ruin my life, but that's another story]. He has denied both the times.


His reason is that since I am more local I can't be granted the leave since there are scores of other people waiting in line.

Looks like it ain't happening!

Insomnia

I am one cursed soul. I don't know what I have done to anger the Gods, what sins I have committed, but they are definitely super pissed at me.

I suffered from Insomnia when I was studying BE somewhere around 4-5 sems. And people usually make it sound cool because you are still all funny and cheerful in the day and the guy doesn't even sleep? Trust me..it ain't that cool.

Then I suffered again a few weeks towards the end of BE. The sick thing was that the first time I suffered, nobody at home or around believed me. One fine day, around 3 AM when a neighbour had problems and they came out to ask me for help, called out in a very low tone and I sprang out and opened the door. They believed me now! Oh yeah! Why would a guy lie about insomnia? I just don't get it. Well, nobody ever really believe the things that go on with me. For example, people at my work place wont believe I have a habit of writing. (I refuse to name the blog - which helps their case). New people I get to know don't believe I used to talk a lot..its a long list.

Anyway, after the holidays started in the June of 2009, I used to sleep 10-12 hours a day. Most people thought I was making up for all the lost sleep.

When I didn't suffer from insomnia, the Gods ensured I got no sleep with numerous well orchestrated plans. First you all know about the attack of the street lights? I wrote about it. Then the attack of Akon, thanks to my roommate who carefully placed his computer speakers next to my pillow and played it all night as he studied each and every single fucking day, with the lights on. I wrote about that also.

I came out of that PG, rented a house, got rid of that room mate, occupied an entire bedroom for myself (Call me selfish, I just want my sleep). Now apart from the fact that I sleep on the floor, and there are a bunch of Tamilians who seem to laugh like little girls till 1AM for no apparent reason, I did manage to get some sleep, until last month.

The Insomnia is back!

The tossing and the turning. The uncontrollable drowsiness. The headache. I can't take it no more. You know what the worst part is about insomnia? You gotta come up with something to think for the entire 8-10 hours you are tossing and turning on your bed. That usually doesn't happen and so you are left with thinking about all the useless trash in the world.

"How would it be if my eyes were blue?" (I can already think of a comment coming up on this - 'Thuu..you would look uglier')

"My manager, he is such an asshole. Maybe I could follow him on the way home and smash a stone on his head when he turns into a dark alley"

Then I rub my eyes for a while. Turn right..adjust my knees or hands or whatever, throw the rug around, turn the pillow over.

"Maybe I should rob a bank. THEN I could buy that DVD writer for the laptop"

"I think I will make a good robber" And now my Imaginarium starts creaking into action. 'Ladies and gentlemen, this will only take a minute. Put your belongings into this bag, and you behind the counter, push that button and Ill blow your head off, you sir Ill take that iphone also, you madam, you got a nice rack...' that's when the robbery scene turns into something else, but lets not talk about that now. I'm sure you people know by now I have got a pretty good imagination.

Anyway, that doesn't really help, cause you really wanna start counting sheep (which doesn't work if I do either) but the moment you start counting, the sheeps turn into anything.. Dirt Bikes, Bottles of..err...mazaa, Pamela Andersons..

This goes on till dawn when I can hear people start to wake up, some start sweeping, others start weeping. And now I am really cursing myself for losing so much time and pull the blanket over the head trying to get the last few minutes of sleep.

That's when I usually get some sleep..a long series of 20 second sleep intervals..I think. Probably what's kept me alive.

I have cut down the intake of coffee, hoping that it is what is causing the insomnia, not working. A tablet of citrizine has always helped me get some sound sleep. But I wouldn't resort to pills. Any other ideas?

Say NO!

This is a story told to me by one of my colleagues. I dunno if she made it up herself or heard about it from someone else like me, but I felt it is definitely worth a mention. Her description was a little more sober, but it had the same killer ending.

It is the actual story of one of the guys who work at the same place as I do. He is your usual rockstar wanna be. The kind who think you become super cool the moment you start playing the guitar and get laid every hour, but like every other idiot of his kind, has no sense in music whatsoever. He has his eyes sunken deeply into his skull like all the life has been sucked outta him.

The story describes how he went into drugs and is facing a lot of trouble. I seriously can't remember his name, but for the sake of this narration lets assume it is Lumbadada (cause Im sure his name also starts with L). It starts with Lumbadada as a 8 year old kid.

Lumbadada, was very sad as a little kid. He was shit ugly. So he could never land a chick. He always hoped that when he grew older, he would stop looking like his neck was balancing a ball of dung. He waited, he waited, then he waited some more. Then he started looking like he was 92.

No girl ever liked him. No girl would even look at him.

One fine day, he snapped. He decided that by hook or by crook, he was going to get himself a girl. Even if it was the last thing he would do. So he tried DRUGS to get girls.

Desperate
Resort to
Using
Guitar
Strings to get girls.

Anyway, his life still sucks.

And as far the as the story is concerned. I gave her a standing applause!

Im sure in his case, all the chicks do only one thing, they

Say NO!

One Sinful Night

Friday evening it is, everybody's in casuals,
Somehow it has gone on a little longer than usual.
That's because he was asked to work the weekend,
Now he knew it, the world was about to end.

TGIF no more, he sat there alone,
Tying loose ends, breaking the back bone,
As the lights switched off one by one,
There she was standing, speaking on the phone.

Two of the loneliest souls in the world,
So to have stayed back this late, wasn't absurd.
Their eyes met and smiles appeared,
The air of awkwardness had disappeared.

"Coffee?" He asked, as if he had known her forever.
"Yess!!" She said, like she had waited forever.
A cup of coffee, a chocolate pastry, won't it be fun?
Little did they know, their sinful night had just begun.

The date was a done deal in the blink of an eye,
and yet they weren't done, they wanted more tonight.
"I hate to go back to my room, my room-mates are all gone"
"Well, then lets go to your place and extend this conversation?"


It was raining as they both headed to his house, soaking wet,
The phone calls were already made, the excuses were set.
His intentions might have been innocent, expectations light,
But all his beliefs, principles and conscience were readying for a fight.

And then it started, when she spotted his bottle of Vodka,
Just right, to awaken their admirable chutzpa
He turned on the music, dignity went for a toss,
Went to the guy next door and borrowed some grass.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll,
Under the influence of alcohol,
Fuck all the rules, rules are for fools,
Virginity, after all, is not all that cool.

Sweaty palms, loud moans, names taken in whispery breaths,
scratched backs, liberated souls, lightly tugging her jet black tress.
With Led Zepplin, Guns and Roses and Metallica in one playlist,
Bare bodies, cold marble floor, dim lit light and clasped fists,


"Take a chance, live your life,
Absolutely no point in always being right."
Everything he was against, he was now embracing,
This one sinful night, his heart was racing.


A sense of completeness all the way to his core,
Sinned he has, but now he feels pure.
How can sense of purity come from a night like this?
His conscience is an evil genius I am sure.

Should I say this was all a dream and end this song?
Fantasy! Never happened, nothing really went wrong?
Or should I admit, that there is a new kid in town?
That the rude old guy we knew, loved, is now moving On?

Somewhere in the Himalayas

On a trip to the snowy Himalayas, most normal people would have a cold, utter some words of amazement, some have a snowball fight, while a few have an imagination enough to build a snowman. It must be obvious now, that people around me are a tad better than normal.

Kav(Almost seen in the picture) and Anush(who refused to pose with me) built an Iceman.

Yes girls, I am just as cute as that guy. Totally!

Why do they even play in SL?

I can't remember one match. ONE EFFIN MATCH that they played in Lanka without rains or the fears of it.

Remember the 2002 Champions trophy final?

That place shouldn't be allowed to host cricket matches at all.

Why is it even a country?

The office

A lot of people have been complaining to me that I have become shockingly silent and less energetic. Enough to enquire if I am sick. I hope this post will explain everything and clear all doubts.

At the Cafe :

Halli Gowda: Maga, you know what?

Iceman: What? (Which actually sounds like - Do I have an option not to know?)

Halli Gowda: I have decided something.

Iceman: Hmmm. (Not again?)

Halli Gowda: (Now speaking to everybody at the table, who has become interested) I have decided to become a football fan.

Iceman: Must have been a tough decision.

Halli Gowda: No maga. Nothing like that. I was sitting at home yesterday, when the thought came to my head. What do you say?

Iceman (Rolling my eyes): You “decided” to become a fan? (Looking around to see if anybody finds this weird)

Halli Gowda: Yeah. Football…football fan.

Nobody seemed to find it weird.

Iceman: You do what your heart tells you. Go make us all proud. (Banging my head on a wooden table – in my imagination.)

During a net meeting :

This is the kind of meetings where your desktop can be seen and sometimes (depending on permissions) can be controlled by a person on some other computer machine far away. Then we also call each other up so that we can discuss whatever is going on, on the screen.

Voice at the phone: Open that excel sheet.

The leader opens the excel sheet.

Voice: Right jao (Go right. – Indicating him to  scroll right)

Leader scrolls right on the sheet.

Voice. Aur right jao (Go further right)

Leader scrolls more.

Voice: Aur jao (Go more)
This goes on for about 12-14 times and we are all standing and wondering what he might have written in that sheet so far right after all the empty cells, because in MS Excel, there is no outer limit to how far you can scroll, the sheet just keeps growing. This happened long enough to have a commercial ad in between.

Voice: Aur right jao

*Pause*

Voice: Sorry, I meant left. Go left.

Fail!

Another day another meeting:

Teammate: Hi, meeting eeej about tuh istart. Caam een.

Iceman: ok.

Teammate: You aarr presser no?

Iceman: No, coder. What is the role of a presser? (trying to sound all corporate and technical)

Teammate: No role. But someone told me you are presser.

Iceman: Who told? I am not so experienced to be put into such high level roles. You must be confused with someone else…?

Teammate: That only, no experience no? Presser, said like that manager.

Iceman (Seriously doubting my own knowledge about the industry): Manager told you that I have been assigned this ‘presser’ role?

Teammate: Arrey, you just phinissed your gra-ju-yesan no?

Iceman(Now, banging my head on a marble table – in my imagination):  Oh got it. Yes I am a presser. (Fresher).

The leader: Haha, you must be very absent minded, you phorgot that you were presser?

Iceman: Yeah. I’ll be forgetting more than that from now on.

At the room:

The Headless Horseman: I have decided to quit drinking.

Iceman: What?

The Headless Horseman: I know.

Iceman: When did you start?

The Headless Horseman: The other day I tasted a bit of that Vodka. My uncle thinks I am getting fat.

Iceman: Where do you guys come up with these life changing decisions?

Processes processes:

If there is one thing that people here complain about work around here, it is the numerous processes to be followed than actual work. Even farting requires a permission which has to be obtained by sending a mail to a certain so-and-so and CC to your manager and department head for approval and it doesn’t get approved for about a week by when you have got tons of shitty ideas and plots developed by holding back your fart.

I had to mail a certain Narnia (Of course the name is fucking changed. But it sounds close.), asking for access to a high priority code execution environment. She did not reply and nor did she do her side of the job, which got me into an online fight with her and well I never got access to the environment. Remember, the seemingly nicey-dicey but cut-throat world of corporate is not a place cut-out for people like me. I just had to be happy with cursing Narnia to be stuck to her seat for the rest of her life wherever she sat in any of the offices of my company in the world.

Cute girl:

Recently, I was given a task which had to be carried out on a colleague’s machine because of the favourable setup. She sat at the far opposite corner of the floor. As me and my teammate sat down to get down and dirty with the task, I noticed that her neighbour was pretty damn cute. Someone I had noticed a few times at the café. No make-up, pure cute. I couldn’t stop turning around to look at her and was pretty distracted. She had been noticing this too and I feared pissing her off. For the rest of the day I got busy on phone calls to the manager and other people related to the task and had no time be distracted (Yeah, I know!).

At the end of the day, as she (the cute girl in the neighbouring cubicle) got up to go home or the café or wherever she was going, she lost her balance and bumped into me.

Cute girl: Hey, sorry J

Iceman: That’s alright.

Cute girl: You seem to be having a hectic day?



Iceman: No, I guess it’s a simple job, but I’m new to this.

Cute girl: Ok. I have no idea what you are doing, but I can help..?

Iceman (Speaking to myself): “Fuck work, put your moves on her, this is your chance.”
(Now speaking loudly) Haha, that’s very nice of you, but no thanks. I’m almost done. And your name is?

Cute girl: I’m Narnia. And you are?

Iceman (Crash-Boom-Bang):  Never mind!
FML!

NOTE: I might and probably will lose my sense of humour very soon. Please bear with me then.