Aforementioned person in beforementioned resume for your presitigious organisation

I am currently pouring through a few resumes that have been mailed to me by people for an interview at my office. I don't mind poor language, but sometimes, some just strike that crazy chord.

Here, take a look at one that made me cry, I can't make this stuff up:




"Dear sir/madan,

I am myself herewith kindly enclosed inside my resume for your good cansideration..."







*facepalm with napalm*

Miss Korea

So if you take all the contestants for Miss Korea beauty pageant and put them in one GIF...

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt the long pause on this blog with a (seemingly) racist post (which is not, cause I didn't say anything at all). Now please carry on.

Strange but true

Great lines:

1) All dabba SMS forwards have two lines in the body, the first being an unwanted line, followed by a completely nonsensical second line.

2) And then they all eat a banana!

Strange but true. Good night. Sweet dreams.

 You know that feeling when you are having a soul to soul conversation on the SMS and now you are waiting for a very important reply to a very important question and your friend seems to be taking forever, so you decide to go to the kitchen and have a very quick glass of water and when you are doing that - "Tink" the ringtone for the text sounds and you run and dive onto the bed catch hold of the cell and scramble to read the answer and then you see that its one of those "Touching/Great/Lovely" lines in a forward from someone who is in your address book but you can't really remember who it is?

 Those kind of forwards make Gerard Butler very angry. That's when he makes some animal love to his wife and heads for war with the sender.

"This is for that Forwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard"

Yes, I'm gonna sample only four of those forwards here, particularly, the three most wonderful Shakespearean quotes that I have received, feel free to mention the ones you have received.

Here goes -


Great lines said by Shakespeare:
 Don't trusted the believed one,
And don't believed the trusted one.


I am totally trusted that Shakespeare will believed this and quoted like this wonly.

________________________


Shakespeare says:
Its not necessary to share everything between true friends.
But it is necessary that what you share must be true.



Turn to Shaky when you are wondering if its okay to lie to your friends.

________________________


I always "happy"
You know why? Because I dont expected anything from anyone!!
Expectations always hurt.
--
Sheiksphere


Shakespeare will roll over in his grave three times if he hears about this,

1) Because, they decided to change his name to - Sheiksphere. Probably because, when they tossed a rich sheik out of a human canon straight into the Stratosphere, during the grand opening ceremony of the world's tallest building in 2011, they found his trajectory to be poetic and just as dramatic as Shakespeare's legendary marvels..

2) Because, they think he used double quotes on the first lines, implying he was actually being sarcastic when he said - I always "happy"

3) "Oh no my grammar teacher keeel me"

________________________

Get out of office and get a girlfriend.
--
Narayan Murthy (Infosys founder.)


This is particularly disturbing, because his mail to the whole Infosys foundation was over 300 words long and went pretty viral. The mail was about staying late at work and how its an unhealthy practice. Somewhere in between he mentions this and the SMS crackpots jumped onto it and turned it into a forward.



"OMG, until now, the thought had never crossed my mind, but if the Infosys founder has said it, maybe I MUST get a girlfriend? Murthy Maama...lets hit the road."



________________________

 And now, just for the kicks, my contribution to the SMS world. Something I had sent out years ago on the now inactive SMS group - 


SMS is a funny thing bro, because you can type any shit you want and attribute the quote to anyone.
--
Mahatma Gandhi.

5 Things I learnt from the IT industry

Its been two years since I started working in the IT industry. I can't really say that I became a better engineer and not feel guilty about saying it, but I can say that there are a few nitty-gritty details I picked up during this long walk on a stony path with naked feet.



Here, I list a select five of them, so that you can be better armed and armoured for your life in the IT world in case you didn't know these already. There are a few more things I learnt, but more than 5 facts would make it a really long post.





Hope you like it! Here goes -


#1 There are no humans, there are resources

It took me a while to get my head around this word 'resource'. Two managers/team leads in discussion often sound like T-1000s from 2100, who have come back in time to rule over earth and are now playing 'Captain Davy Jones' with us.

"I will give you my resource for one day, but you should give me two of your resources next week"

"Why ask for two? Take four. My resources are your resources. Use them."

Its really really bad to hear this especially when I am one of the resources they are talking about it - And they are gonna 'USE ME'

#2 No issues

This is the first in the standard book of IT replies. "No issues". Its so common, that you won't even realise when someone has actually uttered this phrase. In fact, if you are an IT person, who finds this irritating and try to voice your concern about the irritatingly excessive use of it, I assure you, your colleagues will have 'No issues' with it.

I have often noticed, that if you tell your manager a huge story about how your work is going, they just can't wait for you to get to the end of your story so that they can simply dismiss you by saying

"Oh is it? No issues."


Chances are, they haven't paid attention to you at all. The secret lies in the tone of your voice. If it seems like you are giving them a status report of your task, there is a good chance of your manager replying with "No issues"

However, if the tone of your voice suggests that you are making an excuse to not complete the task, he will pay more attention.

Just try this. Go to your manager and start speaking in the status report tone, which often sounds like you are hurrying through it, with an overwhelmingly positive attitude, with a sense of accomplishment, twinkling eyes, ear to ear smile as you move towards the end the speech with the tone in which you seem to seeking his blessing and say

"...and so, going by the statistics, tonight I want to bang your wife like a barbarian after a 7 year isolation"


I swear, there is a probability= 0.99 that your manager says

"Oh is it? No issues!"




#3 "The question"

Every IT guy dreads the day, he is asked...The question

This is the question that has no correct answer. The question is...

"Are you busy?"

There are only two ways to answer this question:
                    - Yes or No. Wait, you can stay silent and get fired. Anyway, I made a flowchart to better explain the outcomes for this question.

I have heard people talking:

Girl: Hey! Sup? Why the long face?

Boy: The manager...he...asked me....The Questionnnn!!!

*Everybody who over heard this gasps loudly*

Boy: Yeah..


Girl: Oh no..not...THE QUESTION??


Boy: :(


Girl: Look at the bright side..


Boy: What bright side!!!


Girl: You have one less day to live.


Boy (Now smiling): Oh yeah :)




#4 Convex mirror age decoder


This is a very important warning going out to all you guys who either in or about to be in the IT industry. Avoid entering discussions about the age of the person you are talking to. No matter how many people you have seen in your day, you will get an IT persons age wrong.

"A Techie's face is younger than it seems"



 I have prepared a formula for deducting a persons age, which also requires an experienced hand to use it.


Suppose, x is the age of the person;

If, x seems to be aprox 40 or above, take your best guess, say Y and deduct it by 12 years.

If, x seems to be approx 55 or above, take your best guess, Y and deduct it by 23 years.


I hadn't derived this formula yet when the below discussion happened with a senior colleague over a cuppa.

Angry Young Man (AYM): So you are a fresher is it? How many years experience do you have?

Iceman: Just 3 months. Im coming straight off training in fact, so even that can't be counted. What about you?

AYM: What do you think?

Iceman: I don't know you should tell me.


AYM: How old do I look?

Iceman (Oh noo!! Not the age!): Come on. I don't want to talk about our age.

AYM: Oh relax. Im a cool guy. Im your friend. Im curious to know your answer, tell me.

Now I wondered: Okay, so he looks at least 55. But he might have aged more because of work pressure and stuff, so he should be actually 45, but let me say 40 to be on the safer side and make him happy.

Iceman(Confidently): You look only 40. Are you 40?


AYM: What??? I look 40????


Iceman: Ummmm....Older?


AYM: I'm 32. Are you done with your coffee? Lets go back to our desk.

A 35 yr old specimen of IT professional

#5 Murderous rage

Ok. If there is one thing I never understood, was the hype that surrounded Kolaveri Di. But the thing that actually generated some murderous rage in my usually so 'Don't give a rat's ass' composure was when EVERY SINGLE GUY who had a kid decided to record his son or daughter singing the damned song.

Everyone in the team were made to watch the video, which they did, smiling ear to ear, say "Your kid is sooooo cuteee!!!" , then give the phone back to them and whisper to us while walking back to his desk "Don't watch it, that kid is fuckin retarded."


The trouble was every time one of these over-obsessed dad's brought one of these recordings to work, they played the song over and over and over again all day and though I always politely refused to watch the video, I had to go through the audio.


Heard they now have an assembly at Infosys campus at 9 AM everyday where all of the work force stand in out in attention as Kolaveri Di is played out on speakers. Can anyone confirm that please?


Apparently this song is now the official Anthem of all the men in the IT Industry because they have all been dated and then coldly dumped by some chick-u. I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a sea of Devdases and Chandramukhis. Does anyone have a gun?

Timeline

I recently got "The timeline" (you have to say that like you would say "The death star" or "The Millennium Falcon").

The moment I realised I could get it before they decided to activate on their own will, I jumped at it and got it. Not that I was eagerly waiting for it, but because its one of the most irksome, 'destroy-your-private-life' kind of feature, especially for people like me, that facebook has released yet.

It's a feature where all your past posts, activites etc etc, can be easily surfed through in a brand new interface. Its basically a quicker archive.

I had to get it quickly because I wanted to know what sort of shit I had posted ages ago and what should definitely not be there for my detractors to see and what could land me in trouble with my company or relatives etc.

And I was surprised. There wasn't a single such thing. The most common feedback I ever got was that I was blunt, rude and the blah. And yet, there weren't a lot of posts I would have cared to delete. Though I did hide about 4 posts from my timeline, plainly because they were outright silly. Or maybe all our posts sound silly 2 years later. As a result of this, two years were blown straight out of the timeline.

I was even more surprised to see the scarcity of my posts. I don't think I found over 20 status messages over so many years. Glad to know that I ain't among the feed flooders.

Facebook has been known to make a mess of good things a little too often. After going through this new feature I must say I have to say its a work of art. Lemme explain why.

1) You are less likely to delete your account now, because it seems more like your memories are attached to it. Trust me, some of your own old posts might make you smile. Besides, I know some of you jobless folks. You have spent half your life on the site and your poor employers even paid you for it.



2) It makes it easy for the advertisers to collect info on you and target user specific ads.

3) Even though it will eventually be activated to everyone, some of you can do so right away. Absolutely genius move this. Why?
Facebook has learnt from its past mistakes. Everytime they made a change, they messed up. People hated it, protested and eventually just learnt to live with it than leave. This time, its voluntary. So even though this is by far the biggest privacy concern, nobody will realise it.
 - One person uses it.
 - Realises that his/her friends don't have it.
 - They brag about it. (And my dear cynics, this is not what I am doing.)
 - Their friends activate it.

And so the water trickles. The sheep jump into the pit on their own and facebook doesn't have to lift a finger.




All said and done:
There is one thing I do like in this new change though. And that is the "Cover". I loved it. I Chose something nice for mine and trust me I didn't break my head too long over it.


Lastly, the timeline made me realise one more thing. It has been the longest standing social network ever. According to my observation, the successful ones last for 3 years. People seem to simply migrate to something else after that. Myspace, Orkut..so on. FB has stuck on for 5 years. Wonder what will be the next big thing. I have high hopes on Diaspora. I had very discreetly mentioned in one of my posts --> "Forget IP addresses the world is running outta good names"

In India, ofcourse, the facebook boom happened around 2009 when suddenly people started flooding the network. I think I had 36 friends here till 2009. Now it stands at a little over 500. That's actually less, when compared to some of my "So nice to know you...hey! Are you on facebook?" kinda friends.

I have been considering closing my account for quite a while. The only reason I haven't is not the love of the site but the fact that all my friends are there and is the best way to stay in touch. However, I do love twitter. Its like an addiction. Sadly 95% of my friends don't seem to know about twitter. Its short and sweet, unlike me, yet.

(Disclaimer: This post doesn't endorse any site. Nor trash it.)

BTW, did you know that, if you delete your account, your photos are still retained. Wonder how on earth they could make money from that? Something tells me, I don't want to know the answer to that question.

Social-life-ka-boom warning system: Once you activate the timeline, you have 7 days before its published, so hurry up if you have skeletons in the closet ;)

An alien ate my homework

"I don't even know what that means!"

Right! 


"I would. I want to. But I can't, because my cousins also follow it and I don't want them to know that I do too."

Whaaaaat?


"You know you are awesome. A person should not need some external entity to provide solace to the question of whether anybody likes what you have to say or write on an open expression platform. Besides, you are a cynic. Your beliefs and idealogies are hardly motivated by the opinions of other people, I know this for a fact, so why does it matter?"

So that's a No then?

"I was about to, but just when I typed the first letter a trojan that had infected my computer acted up and the whole system was frozen for all eternity so I couldn't, there was smoke and everything, I was so scared. They had to give me an injection to calm me down. Sorry.."

I am now thinking of taking up drinking Charlie Sheen style. And without water.


"Hey I did..I seriously did, I even took a picture of it on my phone as proof, but someone stole my phone."

I wish I had a gun.



These are some of the replies that have succeeded a typical conversation like this:

Person: Hey checked out your blog. It was awesome!
Iceman: Yeah? Thanks. Do leave comments when you read something you like.
Now, go read the post from the beginning.





While considering the amount of effort you guys are putting into coming up with these elaborate excuses, there are two things that come to my mind

1) I need to seriously stop asking people for comments. After all, my obsession is only with numbers and NOT a good hard ego-massaging..

2) Advice some of you to try writing screenplays for sci-fi movies.
    Cause people accept anything that happens in a sci-fi movie.


And the biggest wake up call is to completely disable comments on my posts (Which is how it was when I initially started writing), before someone comes up with something like this:


- I wanted to, but I write my comments on a sheet of paper first and check for spalling mishtakes and grammatical errers, yes, I always doing because me perfect always, and when i doing this, suddenly suddenly a crow coming and taking the sheet of paper from me and swallowing while sitting on the coconut tree.